CHRIS: When oo surrounded be people, and ears hang limp from jab jaw, and shout, shout fucking gobs! And sudden know 'tis self own sound that driven thee to daft...
When oo last at party, kissing floor, fag ash tongue, oo gritty crunch begobben... and even morning disinfectant slurper... ugh...
And when ee lie kerari still, to seek relief from feigning dead. Then so-called friends leave 'hind, be sparkly. "Is he dead? Ah well. Whassoon telly?"
Then welcome. Mm.
Oo taz welcome, in Blue Jam (echoes)
DOCTOR: Mrs Bell?
MRS BELL: Yes?
DOCTOR: I'm afraid it's not good news.
MRS BELL: Oh...
DOCTOR: Um... as you know, in that kind of collision, obviously a lot of damage can occur.
MRS BELL: Right...
DOCTOR: And, er, I was in the theatre all the time. We'd heard it was pretty bad, but when they actually took his helmet off... ha ha, I didn't... er... it was like his head had caught fire from the inside or something. It was... It was absolutely gross. We legged it. We freaked and legged it!
MRS BELL: You... you legged..?
DOCTOR: It smelled like a canteen lunch! Ha, it was... we were all hiding down the corridor. By the coffee machine. And it was like, "Did you see, he was still breathing?" We couldn't believe that he was still alive, honestly! We ran back and looked through the glass, and we could see that his arm was moving! Eventually it was a nurse who actually told us we had to go back in. Um, but by that time he'd gone. Down to the mortuary, I think.
MRS BELL: Mortuary?
DOCTOR: Yeah, yeah. You don't want to see that.
MRS BELL: I...
DOCTOR: I honestly don't think you would, it'd do your head in.
MRS BELL: Mm...
DOCTOR: I mean, really...
MRS BELL: ...
DOCTOR: Real mess. One of the worst things I've seen.
MRS BELL: I don't...
DOCTOR: Ha ha, it was gross! Really bad.
MRS BELL: Mm...
DOCTOR: Um, I'm very sorry. Probably best if you had a cup of tea and went home; tried to forget about all this.
MRS BELL: ...
DOCTOR: Okay, ciao!
VOICE: Here she comes, being wheeled on a trolley / Mary Anne Hobbs being wheeled on a trolley / Every corner of her great big head / Supported by a wooden buttress / And when she smiles, it looks like an exploded pig / All the children run screaming from the park / The air is full of bawling / Please cover her up with a tarpaulin.
(knock) MAN: Hello?
MARIA: Hello.
MAN: Are you Maria?
MARIA: Yes.
MAN: ...
MARIA: Where's the body?
MAN: Um, here.
MARIA: How did it happen?
MAN: Oh... er, we had a fight. He fell down the stairs... banged his head on the step.
MARIA: Right. Listen carefully, and do exactly as I say. I need buckets, a saw, an axe if you've got one, a bread knife, a mop, rubber gloves, and some juice.
MAN: ...Juice?
MARIA: Yes, please. Orange, please.
MAN: Oh, right.
MARIA: ...
MAN: ...
MARIA: Hurry up!
MAN: Okay! Coming.
MARIA: Right. Now, everything I cut off, you put into the bucket. Feet first. Hold his shin.
MAN: ...
VICTIM: GAH! AAH! AAAAH! AAAAH!
MARIA: Shit!
(three gunshots) MAN: Jesus, you fucking killed him!
MARIA: Shut up!
MAN: You shot him!
MARIA: Shut up!
MAN: But he was still alive!
MARIA: Be fucking quiet!
MAN: ...Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit...
(phone rings) MARIA: Get the phone.
MAN: Hello? Um... yes...
MARIA: Who is it?
MAN: (It's one of the neighbouurs.)
MARIA: Tell them it was the boiler.
MAN: Um, y-yeah, it was the boiler. ...Um, n-no, yeah, no, it was the boiler.
MARIA: It was the fucking boiler, now mind your fucking business! (hangs up) MAN: What did you do that for!?
MARIA: Shut up and help me saw up the man!
MAN: I can't...
MARIA: Don't argue, just chop him up!
MAN: ...
MARIA: ...
MAN: ...
MARIA: We're in a real hurry now...
MAN: ...
MARIA: ...
MAN: ...
(doorbell) MARIA: Answer it and tell them to go away.
MAN: ...
MARIA: ...
MAN: Er... hello...
POLICEMAN: Everything all right, sir? We've heard there were some loud bangs.
MAN: Er... yeah...
POLICEMAN: Do you mind if I come in for a moment, sir?
MAN: Well, it's... there was a...
POLICEMAN: What's that? ...Oh my god.
MAN: Yeah, um... There's... been an accident.
MARIA: He killed the man.
MAN: What!?
POLICEMAN: What, love?
MARIA: He killed the man.
POLICEMAN: Is that right, sir?
MAN: I hired her... I hired you to sort this out!
POLICEMAN: I think you'd better come with us.
MAN: You fucked it up!
MARIA: I AM only four.
POLICEMAN: Come on, sir...
MAN: You said you could sort it out!
MARIA: I did try!
MAN: You said you'd done this before!
POLICEMAN: Come on...
MARIA: I am only four...
MAN: I'll fucking get you!
MARIA: I am. Four years and three months. ...Chopped up man, chopped up man, chopped up man, chopped up man, chopped up man, chopped up man, chopped up man, chopped up man, chopped up man, chopped up man...
MAN: Yes, um, I'd like a case of the Couvé Napa, please.
LICENSEE: Mm-hm. Um, sorry, are you eighteen?
MAN: Um... oh, yes, I'm forty five. Is there a discount on..?
LICENSEE: It's just that you don't... look it.
MAN: Well that's, uh, that's very flattering. Do you have a case of this one..?
LICENSEE: It's just that a lot of under-eighteens do look, you know, forty plus these days.
MAN: Um... yes, I suppose some of them do, but... I just want a case of the Couvé Napa.
LICENSEE: Have you got any documentary proof of your age? Driving license, birth certificate?
MAN: Well, actually I don't, um, but...
LICENSEE: Well, I'm sorry, I can't sell alcohol to anyone under eighteen.
MAN: Isn't it obvious I'm over eighteen?
LICENSEE: Well... you know... you say that, you know, but if it turns out you're not...
MAN: Well look, look at the grey hair.
LICENSEE: Hmm...
MAN: I'm quite obviously well above the legal age, so...
LICENSEE: That could be makeup.
MAN: Oh, come on, aon't be silly. I am actually in a hurry. My wife's already serving the hors doevres. I've got some important guests for dinner, and I would just like to have a case of this wine.
LICENSEE: I'm sorry, but as I say, I've got to be certain, otherwise I could lose my job.
MAN: Um... look, I'm sorry, but I do actually have to buy a case of wine. I'm quite obviously old enough to buy it.
LICENSEE: Well, that could be false hair.
MAN: False hair, don't be ridiculous! Tell me, how old are you?
LICENSEE: I'm twenty five.
MAN: Well, I've been buying alcohol in shops like this for over... since before you were born! In fact I was here last night, buying some cigarettes!
LICENSEE: Well, yeah, you can buy cigarettes at the age of sixteen.
MAN: Oh, so you think I'm over the age of sixteen, but I'm not eighteen?
LICENSEE: You're obviusly older than sixteen.
MAN: How old does that make me?
LICENSEE: Well, seventeen.
MAN: Oh, for god's sake. You think I'm seventeen!?
LICENSEE: Yes. About seventeen.
MAN: Okay, okay! I am seventeen! I'll be eighteen next birthday, which is in two weeks time! Now, I've got my wife at home, and she's a lot older than me. I'm under adult supervision, so... Look, there's no-one here, I won't tell anybody, so could you please sell me the Couvé Napa?
LICENSEE: I'm afraid I can't sir.
MAN: Why not!?
LICENSEE: Well, you just told me you're seventeen.
MAN: Oh, this is fucking ridiculous!
LICENSEE: I'm not allowed to sell alcohol to anyone under...
MAN: Look, I've got people waiting! I've got important guests, I've had a very stressful day, I don't have time for this!
LICENSEE: I'm sorry, son. Off you go.
MAN: All I want is a case of wine!
LICENSEE: All right, you've had a good joke.
MAN: I could get you fired for this.
LICENSEE: Don't threaten me.
MAN: Do you want to lose your job?
LICENSEE: Go on, son.
MAN: Oh, for fuck's sake, this is bloody absurd!
LICENSEE: You're being very immature...
MAN: Look, I'm getting really annoyed about this! Can you just sell me the wine!?
LICENSEE: I'm sorry, you're a very rude young man. If you'd just like to move along, please...
MAN: Oh, fucking right! You don't know fucking anything, mate!
LICENSEE: I'm sure your mother would be very pleased to hear you use language like that...
MAN:(leaves) You're gonna lose your job for this!
LICENSEE: Yes, she'd be very proud of you... tch...
MAN: Oi, you! How old do you think I am!? Do I look over eighteen!?
LICENSEE: Bloody kids...
MAN: Oi, you, yes! There's a fucking wanker down there who won't sell me a bottle of wine, because he thinks I'm not old enough! I don't know what you're laughing at! It's not fucking funny! Yeah, at you too! Oh, fuck off!
LICENSEE: Dear me...
DOORMAN: Morning, sir.
BENTHAM: Morning.
RECEPTIONIST: Morning, Mr Bentham.
BENTHAM: Er, can I go straight through, please?
RECEPTIONIST: We are running just a bit late.
BENTHAM: Ah.
RECEPTIONIST: Take a seat, and I'll hurry him up for you.
BENTHAM: Thank you.
RECEPTIONIST: Mr Bentham's here.
BENTHAM: Hm hmm... pa pa pahh... pwaah...
RECEPTIONIST: ...
BENTHAM: ...Sorry.
RECEPTIONIST: It's all right.
BENTHAM: Do you mind if I carry on?
RECEPTIONIST: No.
BENTHAM: Thank you. Hmm dum dum duum... hmm mm pm...
RECEPTIONIST: Would you like a coffee?
BENTHAM: Er, yes please. Hmm hm hmm... Oh yes, thank you.
RECEPTIONIST: ...
BENTHAM: Pah... hm hm hmm...
RECEPTIONIST: ...Right. He's ready for you now, Mr Bentham.
BENTHAM: Thank you.
REILLY: Ah, Mr Bentham, good morning!
BENTHAM: Morning.
REILLY: What can we do for you today?
BENTHAM: Um, could you do my pockets, please?
REILLY: Certainly. Any particular problems?
BENTHAM: I've found they've been getting quite untidy.
REILLY: Yes.
BENTHAM: Due to my cold.
REILLY: Right, sir, let's have a look.
BENTHAM: Thank you.
REILLY: Let's just...
BENTHAM: ...
REILLY: If I may suggest, sir... I'd better restrict you to just the one handkerchief.
BENTHAM: Right.
REILLY: You seem to be favouring the red one.
BENTHAM: Yes.
REILLY: Er, here we go. We'll also trim your change. And your keys... I'll add a light pocket lubricant.
BENTHAM: Thank you.
REILLY: Shouldn't feel any bigger than a pea. Anything else?
BENTHAM: Just the tie...
REILLY: Oh, yes.
BENTHAM: I'm afraid I dressed rather quickly today.
REILLY: Yes, sir. Busy?
BENTHAM: Mm...
REILLY: There you are, sir.
BENTHAM: Thank you.
REILLY: Right, er, that's £68.50. Shall I put that on your account?
BENTHAM: Yes.
REILLY: Right you are, sir. Slap your name on the top there.
BENTHAM: Um, yes.
REILLY: Right, we'll see you again...
BENTHAM: Yes, thank you. Goodbye.
REILLY: Good day sir.
BENTHAM: ...
RECEPTIONIST: Goodbye, Mr Bentham.
BENTHAM: ...
DOORMAN: Goodbye, sir.
BENTHAM: Goodbye.
DOORMAN: Very smart, sir.
BENTHAM: Um... t-taxi. Um, taxi? Taxi.. er, can I get..? TAXI!
DR PERLIN: Come in.
MAN: Afternoon...
DR PERLIN: Do lower yourself toward the floor and allow the flat part of the chair to interrupt the movement.
MAN: Thank you.
DR PERLIN: Now, what seems to be the problem?
MAN: Well, I've been getting this really bad ache in my jaw...
DR PERLIN: Mm...
MAN: Yeah, and it sort of turns into a headache sometimes, and makes it really difficult to concentrate...
DR PERLIN: Yeah...
MAN: Sort of... can make me pretty bad tempered...
DR PERLIN: Yes. Contribute to the strain.
MAN: Yeah... a vicious circle.
DR PERLIN: Well, yes. You're not taking heroin at the moment, are you?
MAN: No.
DR PERLIN: Okay, well it's pretty straightforward. I can give you a shot now, and Nurse can take you through the procedures next door.
MAN: ...Heroin?
DR PERLIN: Yes, you should simmer down with a bit of that. Roll up your sleeve.
MAN: Um...
DR PERLIN: Just a bit further, so I can... Yep, that's it. Right, you'll probably feel a bit sick today. Possibly even be sick. Hold still. But you won't mind. In fact, you'll probably think throwing up is nice.
MAN: Mm... m... m...
DR PERLIN: Wonderful drug. There.
MAN: Hmm.. mm... m...
DR PERLIN: See?
MAN: Ooh...
DR PERLIN: Now, you may feel a bit rough tomorrow, so I'd like to see you again tomorrow morning.
MAN: ...right...
DR PERLIN: And for the next few days after that you can get your injections from the nurse, and by the end of the week you should be doing it all yourself.
MAN: It... feels... quite... funny...
DR PERLIN: Mm.
MAN: Um... W... would I become... addicted?
DR PERLIN: Oh, yes, but if you stick to medicinal quality heroin and clean needles, you should be fine. And in any case, the treatment for addiction is a substance very like heroin, so you win either way.
MAN: Oh... good...
DR PERLIN: Jolly good. You can make your way out there now.
MAN: ...Oh! Yeah... I do feel quite sick...
DR PERLIN: Ha ha ha.
MAN: Thanks!
DR PERLIN: See you tomorrow. Don't forget your jacket.
MAN: Oh... sorry!
DR PERLIN: See you tomorrow.
SYNTHESISED: Radio One / And in the distance / I could see a giant Si / mon Mayo / crashing round / the funfair and pissing on the fleeing women's heads.
MAN (VO): I get injured quite badly... so I can only do it every couple of years or so. I suppose that's what makes it quite special.
MAN: Okay...
MAN (VO): I climb out onto a high window ledge... and try and stand there, for as long as I can, with my head in a diving helmet full of bees.
MAN: I've put the bees in... agh... ah, oh! Aagh!
MAN (VO): Once they're in the helmet, it's only a matter of time before I lose my balance.
MAN: Help!
MAN (VO): And the fact that no-one has ever been there to catch me at the bottom... says it all, really.
NICHOLAS PARSONS EDIT: Hello, I'm Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS EDIT: Hello, I'm Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS EDIT: Hello, I'm Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS EDIT: Hello, I'm Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS EDIT: And I just love the warm flap of a cow's tongue...
NICHOLAS PARSONS EDIT: ...warm flap of a cow's tongue...
NICHOLAS PARSONS EDIT: ...on my big greasy balls.
VOICE: Radio 1 / And in the alley where they found Mark Radcliffe / There is a statue of a large black maggot / In memory of what they did to him.
AUTUMN: When did he die?
MRS RICE: Nine days ago.
AUTUMN: Good...
MOSELY: And what was the cause?
MRS RICE: Heart.
AUTUMN (VO): I'm Autumn Camelop.
MOSELY (VO): And I'm Mosely West.
AUTUMN: And he was 41?
AUTUMN (VO): We offer people the opportunity to bring their loved ones back to life.
AUTUMN: Okay, Mrs Rice... now, trying to bring him back does involve a small amout of damage to the body.
MRS RICE: ...Oh?
AUTUMN: It's quite a task to raise the dead... properly.
MRS RICE: ...Yes.
AUTUMN: And it does cost £2000, whether we manage to succeed to manage.
MRS RICE: Right.
AUTUMN: Okay... um..?
MRS RICE: ...Yes.
AUTUMN: Good.
MOSELY: Well done, Mrs Rice.
AUTUMN (VO): It's important to know as much as possible about the corpse before we try and raise it. Not everyone thinks it through properly.
AUTUMN: So... your wife's been dead two years?
MAN: Yes.
AUTUMN: You see, that could be problematic.
MAN: Oh.
AUTUMN: For her quality of life, should she return.
MAN: Um... why?
MOSELY: Changes.
MAN: Sorry?
MOSELY: Latent changes.
MAN: Oh...
AUTUMN (VO): We did raise a three year old corpse once. Just a sort of flaky thing with pain in its bone. It committed suicide after two hours, by taking a power shower.
MOSELY (VO): In front of a dog.
AUTUMN: Now, we're going to do some boiling in the stomach area. I'll be pulping the bone in his shins with this half shaft, and squeezing the pulp out through this aperture, and adding it to the boiling parts of the man. And I want you to take this... quite heavy... club hammer, and hammer his mouth and shout his name. Okay?
MOSELY: I'll ask you one final time: are you sure you want to do this with us, Mrs Rice?
MRS RICE: Yes.
AUTUMN: Right...
MRS RICE: Peter... Peter. Peter?
MOSELY: Harder.
MRS RICE: Peter.. Peter..!
MOSELY: Like this...
MRS RICE: Peter..! Peter! Peter! (sobs) Peter..! Peter... oh..! Peter! I think his jaw's coming off! Stop!
AUTUMN: No, don't stop, Mrs Rice.
MRS RICE: Peter! ...I think he's waking up!
MOSELY: Hit him hard in the forehead!
MRS RICE: ...Oh god, what did I do!?
MOSELY: Leave it in, Mrs Rice.
AUTUMN: He started to come round, Mrs Rice, but his forehead was soft.
MRS RICE: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh... (sobs) AUTUMN (VO): With Mrs Rice, I let her murder him back to death, because of what she'd done to the mouth.
MOSELY: Very common indeed.
MRS RICE: Ohhhhhhh...
AUTUMN (VO): The recently dead can come back very angry, and he might have done her damage. The best resurrection I've done was actually on Mr West, after he'd been killed by a swan.
MOSELY (VO): Indeed.
AUTUMN (VO): But even he didn't come back... all the way. Oh, dear...
MOSELY (VO): Mm.
AUTUMN (VO): I used to take pleasure in bringing the dead back, but we found that people only really do it to bollock them. They're often very angry with them for dying, and the recently dead are very sensitive. We've often seen them crying in the car park. (echoes)
CHRIS: When oo surrounded be people, and ears hang limp from jab jaw, and shout, shout fucking gobs! And sudden know 'tis self own sound that driven thee to daft...
When oo last at party, kissing floor, fag ash tongue, oo gritty crunch begobben... and even morning disinfectant slurper... ugh...
And when ee lie kerari still, to seek relief from feigning dead. Then so-called friends leave 'hind, be sparkly. "Is he dead? Ah well. Whassoon telly?"
Then welcome. Mm.
Oo taz welcome, in Blue Jam (echoes)