CHRIS: When uppest go be downest go, and down be further down, going downer...
When oo so long on melanchol, oo face sad floppy bag, that shock sends round whopping, slap legs...
And now you lost to junk in room so jumbled, know your leavest around... so sit and mope, then kick the junk around, what for! That junk be junk like you, and still stay junk in spite of all you petty booting...
And when, at last, fresh, crisp air spank oo cheeks, and longing lungs draw deep to fill. Then gasp and hack, oo breathing cornflour, ginger ground and cocoa Hoover bag.
Then welcome. Mm.
Oo, aa aa muz muz, in Blue Jam (echoes)
MAX (VO): I'm Max Deakin.
PATRICIA (VO): And I'm Patricia Deakin.
MAX (VO): And this is Lisa.
PATRICIA (VO): Say hello.
LISA (VO): ...Hello.
MAX (VO): And Lisa's six years old.
PATRICIA (VO): I think you'd say we're a very loving family...
MAX (VO): Yeah... yeah, we've been very close for eight years.
PATRICIA (VO): But... we have agreed to get divorced now. for her sake, really.
MAX (VO): The idea being... that she needs more insecurity at home.
LISA (VO): Insecurity, yes.
MAX (VO): Um, this is to give her the real, sort of, drive and ambition..
PATRICIA (VO): It's a really competitive world for a child like her. Between us, we want to give her every chance.
LISA: I want to be the best.
MAX: Really?
MAX (VO): Obviously it's not going to be easy. I've been asked to use alcohol, and become abusive to Patricia... and, er... violent... really fuck her about quite heavily...
PATRICIA:(sobs) MAX: All right, love?
PATRICIA:(sobs) Get off...
MAX (VO): I'm not allowed to comfort her, obviously...
PATRICIA:(sobs) MAX (VO): Er, we have to make the atmosphere as acrimonious as possible...
PATRICIA:(sobs) LISA: Are you crying, Mummy?
PATRICIA:(sobs) MAX: Lisa?
LISA: Yes?
MAX: Leave the snivelling bitch alone.
LISA: But Mummy's crying...
MAX: I don't give a fuck!
PATRICIA:(sobs) MAX: Oh, fuck it!
LISA:(sobs) Daddy..!
PATRICIA:(sobs) MAX: You acting now, are you?
PATRICIA:(sobs) No..!
MAX: Well, I don't fucking know! (sobs) This is good... this...
PATRICIA:(sobs) LISA:(sobs) MAX:(sobs) ...this is good...
VOICE: Here she comes, being wheeled on a trolley / Mary Anne Hobbs being wheeled on a trolley / Every corner of her great big head / Supported by a wooden buttress / And when she smiles, it looks like an exploded pig / All the children run screaming from the park / The air is full of bawling / Please cover her up with a tarpaulin.
JUDY: Well, I am sorry it's becoming a nuisance. I'm sure we can think of some way round it.
JANE: Hmm. Well, I hope so.
JUDY: Oh, I think that's him now. What's that, love?
DAVID: Bloody lions have left a carpet in the drive!
JANE: Another accident, David...
DAVID: Oh, hello, Jane. Just stopped marking the homework?
JUDY: She was just popping round to say some of the parents are getting a bit sick of the lions taking their children.
DAVID: Oh, yeah?
JANE: Well, the Wilsons have lost all three...
DAVID: Really?
JANE: Yeah.
JUDY: This morning, love. They found them eating Sasha in the art bay...
DAVID: I thought Barry was quite all right when they took his other two.
JUDY: He was only being polite, love...
DAVID: Well, he said he was driving himself up the cloth bar on the savings...
JANE: When they get in the building, David...
DAVID: Yeah...
JANE: They go berserk.
DAVID: Well, they would, you know.
JANE: Mr Klaus lost his eyes on Tuesday...
DAVID: They're not wild animals!
JANE: There's still schlerotic stains on the ceiling...
DAVID: They feel trapped in buildings...
JANE: It's not very nice!
JUDY: They shat in the infants' sticklebricks.
JANE: Yeah. It's not just the children, it's staff...
DAVID: Oh, sure, but it's not as if I'm landmining the place, is it?
JUDY: Well...
DAVID: Ah. Yeah.
JANE: "Yeah," what?
JUDY: He did landmine the playing fields.
JANE: David..!
DAVID: Well, they're pretty deep. They're only going to go off during the dads' race on Sports Day.
JANE: Sounds like we ought to have a little chat about that as well...
DAVID: Sure, Jane.
JANE: Give us a bell if you think the lions are coming into the school again, and I know you won't, but...
DAVID: I'll move the dustbin. I'll try and... block them in a bit.
JANE: Mm, yes...
JUDY: Bye, Jane.
JANE: Bye.
DAVID: Ciao!
JUDY: Ooh, it's nine thirty, love.
DAVID: Mm?
JUDY: Nine thirty. You mined the Lartons' drive.
DAVID: Oh, shit! Um, is Colin back yet?
JUDY: I haven't heard any bangs.
DAVID: Yeah. Ah, here comes the bastard now.
JUDY: Are you sure we're safe here?
DAVID: No. Ha ha! Okay, now watch this! This will serve the bastard right...
JUDY: What for?
DAVID: Oh, nothing in particular.
(explosion) DAVID: Wow...
JUDY: Ooh...
DAVID: Look at that... Jesus, he's fucked! He's gas! ...Here, let's phone Lucy.
JUDY: Do you have to?
DAVID: Yeah! (dials) ...Lucy? ...It's David. What the hell was that noise? ...Oh, yeah, I can see now. ...Hey, widow! Ha ha ha! ...What? (You'd better take this, love, she's throwing a wobbly.)
JUDY: ...Hello, Lucy?
DAVID: See what I mean?
JUDY: ...Lucy?
DAVID: She's wailing like a fat lubber.
JUDY: ...Lucy, shall I come over?
DAVID: Hey, what are you, the Plastic Ono Band!?
JUDY: (David..!)
DAVID: Ha ha ha ha ha! You'd better go over, sounds like she's going to go right off her fanny. ...Listen, Lucy? Auntie Judy's coming over! (hangs up) JUDY: Call me in half an hour; I don't want to be there all night.
DAVID: Yeah, sure... Oh, mind the drive, love, it's covered in dung.
JUDY: Thanks, love. Bye. (leaves) (growling) JUDY: The lions are out the front again, love!
DAVID: Bloody hell!
JUDY: They must have got through the screen.
DAVID: Yeah...
JUDY: Looks like they got Jane when she left.
DAVID: Really?
JUDY: Yeah... I think that's her head. Ooh! Oh, they've gone for me, love. Oh!
DAVID: Has she still got that sarky look on her face?
JUDY: Yeah... They've been quite hungry...
DAVID: Mm...
JUDY: Get off! Hey! You won't believe this.
DAVID: What?
JUDY: Agh... They've started on my belly.
DAVID: It's usually the throat.
JUDY: Yeah... AH! Now they've gone for the neck!
DAVID: Ha ha ha, you probably just gave them the idea.
JUDY: Ha ha, yeah... AGH!
DAVID: Hey, Judy?
JUDY: Mm..?
DAVID: Are you supposed to be cooking for the Zickleys tomorrow?
JUDY: ...Yeah...
DAVID: Well, what the bloody hell am I going to do if you're just a pile of bones?
JUDY: Er... there's um, stuff in the freezer. AGH!
DAVID: But I won't be here in time!
JUDY: Yeah...
DAVID: Even if I defrost it tonight.
JUDY: Aaacckk... aaAAGGGHH...
(growling) DAVID: Judes? ...Judes? (leaves) ...I mean, I said I wouldn't be able to leave work until half past six. I won't have a chance to do any preparation... oh, look at you. Ah! Ow, ooh! Agghh... I can't do a stir fry... and I won't have a chance to prepare anything... overnight..! Uh! Let... go..! And if I'm going to end up as a string of guts in the garden, then who's going to tidy me up and give the Zickleys a beer? Agh! Ooh! Ah! Ungh! Jesus, this is bad timing! Ugh... ooghh..! Hey, come back with that! Ugh! How the fuck am I going to play football without that!? Uh, ooh! Ah..! Jesus..! Ah! Agh..!
(growling)
MAN: Well it was about here, at two in the morning...
MAN: Well it was about here, at two in the morning...
MAN: Well it was about here, at two in the morning, I was mugged by a bloke disguised as an armed robber.
ANTHONY: My name's Anthony Marsden, and this is my wife Jennifer...
JENNIFER: Yes.
ANTHONY: And, um, about six months ago I moved out of the house, and started living outside.
JENNIFER: Mm.
ANTHONY: It felt ridiculous living in such a big house. Living indoors all the time... I mean, if you think about it we don't need heating, big kitchens, carpets... I think the idea may have come from a book I was reading, but... I can't honestly remember now. I sleep anywhere, really. Sometimes under a hedge on the estate... the benches in the garden... Why, the other night I was in the tractor shed.
JENNIFER: It does worry me when it's awfully cold.
ANTHONY: Bedding down with the cows, that's quite a good one...
JENNIFER: I do... worry, when I know Anthony's out in the open. Particularly bleak nights... rain... sleet...
ANTHONY: Plenty to eat in the kitchen garden. Potatoes, cabbages... carrots... I did manage to get hold of a blackbird which had crashed into the greenhouse the other day. Not particularly tasty, I have to say, but, um...
JENNIFER: We're having lamb tonight. Going to roast some lamb, and some of those little carrots. Why don't you join us for supper tonight?
ANTHONY: I do miss the cat. I don't see the cat so much.
JENNIFER: It's at three and eleven tonight, it's...
ANTHONY: The dog's stayed loyal...
JENNIFER: ...awfully sweet.
ANTHONY: The other day I caught the horse giving me a funny look... not sure what he's picking up on there, but, um...
JENNIFER: We've blocked off that draught in the drawing room. It's awfully snug now.
ANTHONY: Sometimes I do find myself staring into the drawing room and gazing rather wistfully at the fire... the family together...
JENNIFER: You do cut a pretty sorry sight out there, really.
ANTHONY: Some days, like today, you find yourself thinking, all I'd have to do is walk back in through the front door and I'd be warm.
JENNIFER: Mm.
ANTHONY: But I don't allow myself to think like that. One has to protect oneself from what, one has to admit, is an extremely persuasive argument.
JENNIFER: Why don't you come in tonight, darling?
ANTHONY: It's difficult living in the face of such glaring contradiction...
JENNIFER: Just for an hour or so.
ANTHONY: The only mitigating fact is that I will almost certainly live a few years less. I can picture myself being picked off by a sharp frost one winter.
JENNIFER: I'm afraid that's probably true...
ANTHONY: So at least I won't have to live with that contradiction quite so long.
JENNIFER: Mm.
ANTHONY: I suppose you could say that if I were to go back indoors then I wouldn't have to live with that contradiction anyway... That doesn't bear thinking about, really. Some... something that...
JENNIFER: I never lock up at night, you know.
ANTHONY: ...you skirt around...
VOICE: Radio 1 / And in the alley where they found Mark Radcliffe / There is a statue of a large black maggot / In memory of what they did to him.
CHRIS: Okay, Jerry. Got me loud and clear?
JERRY SPRINGER: Yeah.
CHRIS: Right, we're off. Jerry Springer, welcome!
JERRY SPRINGER: Well, thanks. It's nice to be here.
CHRIS: Okay, Jerry, tell us your name.
JERRY SPRINGER: Uh, Jerry Springer.
CHRIS: Are you bigger than your name?
JERRY SPRINGER: Well, I'm... I'm just a schlub that has a show. Um...
CHRIS: Wait a minute, hang on. You do present perhaps the best talk TV show in the world, certainly one of the most successful in the States, that I gather has just gone to number one?
JERRY SPRINGER: Yes, it's now number one.
CHRIS: So...
JERRY SPRINGER: But yes, we're doing good now, you know because it's hot, and it's kind of new, and it's incredibly outrageous, so people are taking notice.
CHRIS: So is it going to get more outrageous?
JERRY SPRINGER: Well, I think it's... it's impossible to be... Outrageous is outrageous. There aren't degrees of it.
CHRIS: Somebody said "outrageous is as outrageous does, and when it does it doesn't, and when it gets to the end."
JERRY SPRINGER: Yeah, well it... yeah.
CHRIS: So, when you go on your show...
JERRY SPRINGER: Yes?
CHRIS: One of the things I've noticed is that you are moving from side to side.
JERRY SPRINGER: Right.
CHRIS: Now, that is one of the elements of genius. Why did you choose to do that?
JERRY SPRINGER: Yeah, I just keep walking around and watching what's going on. I try not to be the focal point of the show.
CHRIS: A lot of people just come forward into the camera. Is the lateral movement something to do with the modesty, or what?
JERRY SPRINGER: I guess... I never thought of it in the psychological terms, but I just... I...
CHRIS: Was that your idea?
JERRY SPRINGER: Well, I guess. No-one ever told me; I just kind of walk around.
CHRIS: So... is that a sort of a pendulum thing? What's going on?
JERRY SPRINGER: Well, I like to be back with the audience. I don't want to be on the stage.
CHRIS: Right. Yeah, I mean, we don't really know who you are.
JERRY SPRINGER: Right.
CHRIS: I'm like who... is it that guy standing up? I know, he's the guy with the mike.
JERRY SPRINGER: That's exactly right.
CHRIS: One of the things that these idiots over here don't do is a decent warm-up act. You do one, don't you?
JERRY SPRINGER: Yeah, I go out there just to warm up the audience, help them...
CHRIS: To warm them up, I guess.
JERRY SPRINGER: Yes.
CHRIS: Now, is part of that to warm them up?
JERRY SPRINGER: Well...
CHRIS: So what sort of things do you say to them?
JERRY SPRINGER: I just, you know, I go in there and I tell them that, um... we were in Italy recently, taping the show, and... for two hours this gorgeous woman was banging on my hotel door, so finally I let her out.
CHRIS: ...Right, now that... They're all thinking that she's on the outside... because the woman was on the wrong side of the door!
JERRY SPRINGER: There we go.
CHRIS: Ha ha! Okay! Now, I want to look at the meat and spunk of the show, which is the guests, right.
JERRY SPRINGER: Yes, that's it.
CHRIS: I wondered which sort of stories you would and wouldn't do. Because at the moment, you're quite prepared to do anything to be "outrageous."
JERRY SPRINGER: We won't do anything that's normal.
CHRIS: So would you do "I fell in love with the guy who shot my husband"?
JERRY SPRINGER: "I fell in..."? Yes. It's outrageous, don't you agree?
CHRIS: It's terrible! Would you do "I fell in love with the guy who was shooting me"?
JERRY SPRINGER: Well...
CHRIS: Brackets, "It was horny as the bullets went inside of me."
JERRY SPRINGER: "It was horny as the bullets..." Who was horny?
CHRIS: The woman found it sexually attractive in some way. Yes?
JERRY SPRINGER: You've gotta... Well... it's outrageous.
CHRIS: Yes, it's out-RAGE...
JERRY SPRINGER: As long as it's outrageous, it gets on.
CHRIS: "I fell in love with the guy who shot my kids."
JERRY SPRINGER: Um...
CHRIS: It's out-RAGE-ous!
JERRY SPRINGER: Yeah...
CHRIS: He shot the kids... brackets, "It was something to do with the blood and the screams..."
JERRY SPRINGER: Yeah, any... as I said...
CHRIS: So that's a yes. "I fell in love with the guy that shot my kids."
JERRY SPRINGER: You're not listening to me. I'm saying, anything that is outrageous is a yes.
CHRIS: "My doctor fingers my kids up the AY-ASS..."
JERRY SPRINGER: I said, anything that is outrageous is on the show.
CHRIS: Would you even have...
JERRY SPRINGER: You keep giving me a list.
CHRIS: Well, yeah, I...
JERRY SPRINGER: Give me a list of something that's normal, and then I'd say no, that doesn't belong on the show.
CHRIS: "My husband's a schizo; he keeps beating himself up about it."
JERRY SPRINGER: We will... I don't know how many times I have to answer your question...
CHRIS: Well, say yes!
JERRY SPRINGER: ...Right.
CHRIS: What I want to know is, what really gets you down in this life of ours?
JERRY SPRINGER: Um...
CHRIS: People suffering from pashcreams, gibosa... I mean, that's horrible. All the industrial diseases, that people poison like tossfates and buggerides?
JERRY SPRINGER: That sounds awful.
CHRIS: I mean, some of them even lose use of their necks.
JERRY SPRINGER: Diseases are always sad...
CHRIS: These children are losing their ability to use their thoughts.
JERRY SPRINGER: Yeah...
CHRIS: They have them; they just can't use them.
JERRY SPRINGER: Yeah, you know, I mean, there's great pain in the world. One of the prices of life, and it isn't fair.
CHRIS: We haven't talked about a Final Thought.
JERRY SPRINGER: Okay.
CHRIS: Now, they're very important in the show. Where does the inspiration for that come from?
JERRY SPRINGER: I used to do it when I was in the news.
CHRIS: If you had to sum up the situation with Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton...
JERRY SPRINGER: I think my notion there is that Saddam is clearly a, uh, a danger to his own people as well as surrounding nations, um, but I don't think the... what we ought to do at this point is kill more innocent people just to get him, at this point. If there's a way to remove him without killing innocent people, obviously I'm in favour of that. I don't know that anyone has found out exactly how to do that, but I think we should still try.
CHRIS: And so when you write that down and say it, it actually turns into something that makes sense?
JERRY SPRINGER: Um...
VOICE: Radio One.
SYNTHESISED: I can see Steve Lamacq
HIGH VOICE: Lamacq.
SYNTHESISED: As a frail old man in a wheelchair
VOICE: Huh!
SYNTHESISED: Trying to shake hands with an elephant.
(simian laughter)
MAN: ...What on earth is that!?
MAN (VO): I was upstairs when I saw it.
MAN: Karen! Karen!
MAN (VO): I shouted to my wife...
MAN: Karen, look outside! There's a thing in the sky!
MAN (VO): ...and we ran outside, and...
MAN: Come on!
MAN (VO): ...and there it was. This... long green thing in the sky. Everyone was coming out of there houses. There must have been... 200 people, pointing at this... big green thing in the sky.
MAN: Look up there!
MAN (VO): Then someone said... "That's not the sky, it's the ground." And it was. It was the ground. We were all just looking at a little green bottle on the ground.
MICHAEL ALEXANDER ST JOHN: Surrounded by screaming sick children, Kevin Greening farts like a sax, and laughs to see the air full of chemotherapy wigs and bald children.
DR PERLIN: Er, come in.
MAN: Good afternoon, Doctor.
DR PERLIN: Ah, yes. Take a pew. Now, what seems to be the problem?
MAN: Well, I've got quite a lot of pain in my gut.
DR PERLIN: Right...
MAN: It comes and goes, but it's pretty strong.
DR PERLIN: Can you show me where?
MAN: Um, here...
DR PERLIN: Hmm. Any diarrhoea?
MAN: A bit, but mainly just the pains... cramp...
DR PERLIN: Mm, right. I'd like you to go to the supermarket.
MAN: ...Supermarket?
DR PERLIN: Could you get me a dozen eggs, some flour, butter, castor sugar and lemons?
MAN: Um... right...
DR PERLIN: I want to make a cake. Tonight.
MAN: Um...
DR PERLIN: Do you need some money?
MAN: ...Is this for me?
DR PERLIN: No, it's for me. Now, run along.
MAN: What about my gut pain?
DR PERLIN: Well, get me the eggs and I'll see what I can do.
MAN: It's quite a long way.
DR PERLIN: Oh, it's only a half an hour this time of day.
MAN: I haven't really got half an hour...
DR PERLIN: Well, I'm sure you will have, if you think about it.
MAN: Well... couldn't you just prescribe something?
DR PERLIN: Like what?
MAN: Uh, that caolin stuff?
DR PERLIN: Well, if you know what you want then you don't need me.
MAN: Well, I don't know exactly what I need...
DR PERLIN: Well, in that case I think you'd better pop along, hadn't you?
MAN: But I know enough to know that I need...
DR PERLIN: Irritable Bowel Syndrome can be lethal if left untreated...
MAN: Yeah... but...
DR PERLIN: Spastic colon?
MAN: Wh... is that what I've got, then..?
DR PERLIN: Bowel cancer..?
MAN: Bowel cancer!?
DR PERLIN: Mm...
MAN: What, you think there's a chance?
DR PERLIN: Make sure the eggs are free range.
MAN: Well, do you?
DR PERLIN: Otherwise I'm not going to be able to tell you.
MAN: B...
DR PERLIN: I may have seen something else as well.
MAN: Have you?
DR PERLIN: And it's castor sugar, please.
MAN: Did you see something else?
DR PERLIN: You have got that, haven't you? Castor sugar?
MAN: I can't go if you've muddled me up like this..!
DR PERLIN: I may have seen very strong signs that your balls are about to shatter.
MAN: Shatter?
DR PERLIN: Yes. You do drive a car, don't you?
MAN: Yes...
DR PERLIN: Mm. Drivers' balls. Occasionally the balls of a driver can shatter if they become calcified, then subject to engine vibration.
MAN: And you think mine are going to shatter..?
DR PERLIN: While you're about it, get us a tin of decaffeinated coffee.
MAN: But...
DR PERLIN: Here's an extra tenner.
MAN: You'll tell me what I've got when I get back?
DR PERLIN: Yes. Bye then.
MAN: Calcified balls..?
DR PERLIN: Yes, yes. I'll know by the time you come back.
MAN:(leaves) DR PERLIN:(dials) Alison? ...Have you got a moment? ...I've got a bit of a problem. ...Thanks.
DR BASINGSTOKE:(enters) Michael.
DR PERLIN: Hello, Alison.
DR BASINGSTOKE: Problem?
DR PERLIN: Yeah. I'm having a really bad morning.
DR BASINGSTOKE: Mm.
DR PERLIN: I can't work out anyone's symptoms.
DR BASINGSTOKE: Oh.
DR PERLIN: I've had to send them all off on spurious errands.
DR BASINGSTOKE: Right.
DR PERLIN: I've got Mr Keeps getting my dry cleaning, Arnold Fleps at the supermarket, the Marks family washing my wife's car, and they're all going to come back expecting me to have some sort of answer!
DR BASINGSTOKE: Bloody hell, Michael!
DR PERLIN: I know, I... I just can't seem to... there aren't any obvious answers.
DR BASINGSTOKE: Well, um... why don't you go out, and I'll see them?
DR PERLIN: Oh... really?
DR BASINGSTOKE: Yeah. You go out for a bit.
DR PERLIN: That's very kind.
DR BASINGSTOKE: And while you're out there, you can pick me up a leg of lamb from Laxham's? Mm?
DR PERLIN: Sure.
DR BASINGSTOKE: Okay.
DR PERLIN: Thanks, Alison.
DR BASINGSTOKE: Bye, Michael.
DR PERLIN: Bye. (leaves) DR BASINGSTOKE:(dials) Sarah? ...I've got him out. ...Yeah. ...Change the locks. Have his room emptied and packed, and remove the plaque from the door. ...Yeah. And can you phone the agency to have two guards put on the door? ...Great. He's out. Ten... fucking... nil.
MARCUS (VO): Um, I'm Marcus Bouge, and this is my wife Linda.
LINDA (VO): Hello.
MARCUS (VO): And, er...
LINDA (VO): They're difficult people to live next door to at the best of times...
MARCUS (VO): Stuck up...
LINDA (VO): They are. But this has really pushed it.
MARCUS (VO): We've been under a lot of stress, haven't we?
RAYMOND (VO): I'm Raymond Deeley.
ANGELA (VO): And I'm Angela Choup.
RAYMOND (VO): I don't really know what all this fuss and bother's about.
BENPER (VO): And my name is Julian Benper. I work for the Barsley Council, and currently I'm trying to resolve the dispute in Halliwell Drive over a giant.
RAYMOND (VO): We've, er, been looking after Paul - that's our giant - for some friends, for a few months...
ANGELA (VO): And he's very easy-going.
LINDA (VO): He's not just a bit big, he's also very scruffy. He wears big baggy shorts, made of... sacking...
MARCUS (VO): Sack cloth, yeah...
LINDA (VO): And they're not even done up properly. And then he's got, um...
MARCUS (VO): It's like a tarpaulin, isn't it?
LINDA (VO): Just got a hole for his head. Keeps the rain off; it's like a poncho. It's filthy.
ANGELA (VO): They have to work very hard to find any fault with him at all, to be honest.
LINDA (VO): They don't groom him. That's another bug bear for me. They don't even keep him nice. I don't... I'm not saying they should make him wear a suit...
MARCUS (VO): It'd be nice...
LINDA (VO): Special occasions, maybe... I'm just talking about...
MARCUS (VO): A decent pair of trousers.
ANGELA (VO): All he does is dance around the woods occasionally.
RAYMOND (VO): There's no crime in that, is there?
LINDA (VO): It's not like they've got a big dog in there, because he knows what he's doing. He definitely...
MARCUS (VO): He runs amok, doesn't he?
LINDA (VO): Mm.
MARCUS (VO): He's made gestures at me.
LINDA (VO): He twangs the clothes line a lot of the time, as well. He just...
MARCUS (VO): Leans over and takes the pegs off. He's tampered with the fruit... in the pear trees. Plucked off the fruit and squashed them.
RAYMOND (VO): He does look over the fence, but...
ANGELA (VO): He's not that interested.
RAYMOND (VO): It's just another garden, isn't it? It's nothing special.
ANGELA (VO): He might look in occasionally, but I mean, they're the neighbours. It's the sort of thing that happens.
RAYMOND (VO): Mm.
ANGELA (VO): They see us sunbathing in the nude; we don't complain about that.
MARCUS (VO): Well, it's the snooping, isn't it?
LINDA (VO): Yeah, it's terrible if you're trying to have a bath, or... sometimes if I'm up in the bedroom, and I can see him looking in...
MARCUS (VO): Steams the windows up.
LINDA (VO): He licks the window, as well. That's really disgusting.
MARCUS (VO): What frightens me is that sooner or later... his tongue's going to come in.
LINDA (VO): I wouldn't say that's the worst thing that he does, though. He... he plays with himself, which I think is absolutely disgusting.
MARCUS (VO): Mm.
LINDA (VO): He looks at you when he's doing it, like. He knows exactly what he's doing. He's got a laughy look.
MARCUS (VO): There's something slightly off-putting about it...
RAYMOND (VO): He has seen Linda naked, but that doesn't bother him.
ANGELA (VO): It's hardly as if he's a... a gossip, is it?
RAYMOND (VO): I mean, he passes on little snippets of information, but it's harmless stuff, you know.
ANGELA (VO): It's not gossip; it's not malicious.
RAYMOND (VO): He's like a kid. He's just like a little kid.
ANGELA (VO): And to be honest he can't really talk that well, anyway.
RAYMOND (VO): No.
BENPER (VO): I'm outside the Deeleys' house, and I've come here for a meeting with the Bouges. And I'm quite confident that a compromise can be reached about the giant, er, perhaps using bylaws.
BENPER: We're looking into classifying it as a building.
LINDA: A building!?
BENPER: Yeah. Er, it's pretty tall, isn't it?
MARCUS: Twenty five foot tall.
BENPER: Twenty five foot?
LINDA: Marcus measured it. But that doesn't make him a bloody building, does it!?
BENPER: Well, technically it could do. How long does it stand still for?
LINDA: For five hours...
MARCUS: Five hours at least, yeah...
ANGELA: What!?
RAYMOND: What on earth are you talking about!?
LINDA: He stands still for up to five hours at a time.
ANGELA: ...No, he does not! He skips and whistles most of the time, and you know it.
LINDA: Well, it feels like five hours when he's staring in the window.
RAYMOND: Oh, come on, that is just a fantasy!
MARCUS: And he snoops. All the time, snooping.
RAYMOND: Well, it's not as if you've got anything to hide, anyway, is it?
LINDA: What do you mean by that?
ANGELA: ...Means you don't sleep together any more.
LINDA: You what!?
MARCUS: Where the hell did you get that from?
BENPER: Okay, if we can, er, consider...
ANGELA: He told us.
LINDA: I thought you said you didn't gossip!
RAYMOND: So what if I did!?
BENPER: ...oh...
RAYMOND: He said he's seen Marcus whack himself off into the bog.
LINDA: I beg your pardon, he did no such thing!
RAYMOND: And squirting his paste in the laundry bag.
LINDA: Marcus!?
MARCUS: I bloody didn't. ...If anyone abuses his groin it's that bloody great... gog in your garden!
LINDA: Yeah, I've seen him do that!
RAYMOND: Yeah, well he caught it off your vile old husband.
LINDA: Don't talk like that!
MARCUS: That is an outrage.
BENPER: Okay, well...
LINDA: That's slander! Stop it!
ANGELA: Why are you getting so angry about it?
LINDA: If anybody's obsessed... it's you...
ANGELA: No, we're not.
LINDA: You are a pillock!
ANGELA: Right...
MARCUS: Put him down.
ANGELA: I beg your pardon?
MARCUS: Just... put him down.
ANGELA: I... I can't believe you just said that.
MARCUS: He's a vermin.
LINDA: He is.
ANGELA: That...
BENPER: That's not an issue...
MARCUS: I'd just have him destroyed.
LINDA: He's a giant rat.
ANGELA: I'm not going to hear you talk about murder.
LINDA: I'm not talking about murder!
MARCUS: It's not murder. You defeat a vermin; it's not murder.
ANGELA: He is not vermin!
RAYMOND: He is a man who gets turned on by...
ANGELA: Exactly!
LINDA: Would you stop that part of the conversation!? Shut up! Don't look at me like that!
ANGELA: Oh, you bitch! Get out!
BENPER (VO): I found the meeting quite depressing, actually. The only other case I know of is one that occured in Suffolk, where about twenty of... the neighbours... got together... got the giant very drunk, and then just... kicked it to death.
LINDA: You are filth!
ANGELA: No, you're filth! Get out!
BENPER: If we could still look at the building angle...
(birdsong) MAN: Oh... (opens window) Could you shut up, please?
(silence) MAN: Thank you. (closes window) (silence) MAN: ...
(silence) MAN: ...
(birdsong) MAN:(opens window) Will you shut up, please!? ...Um, excuse me?
NEIGHBOUR: Yeah?
MAN: Are these your birds?
NEIGHBOUR: No.
MAN: They won't shut up!
NEIGHBOUR: Really? Oi! You lot! Will you shut up?
(silence) MAN: Thanks!
NEIGHBOUR: No problem.
(single bird) MAN: Oi! Didn't you hear what that man said?
(single bird) MAN: Well... why haven't you shut up?
(single bird) MAN: Well, that's... irrelevant...
(single bird) MAN: I'm trying to sleep!
(single bird) MAN: Thanks! Anyway, how come you all shut up for him and not for me?
(single bird) MAN: You stuck up little bastard! (closes window) Who do they think they are..?
CHRIS: When uppest go be downest go, and down be further down, going downer...
When oo so long on melanchol, oo face sad floppy bag, that shock sends round whopping, slap legs...
And now you lost to junk in room so jumbled, know your leavest around... so sit and mope, then kick the junk around, what for! That junk be junk like you, and still stay junk in spite of all you petty booting...
And when, at last, fresh, crisp air spank oo cheeks, and longing lungs draw deep to fill. Then gasp and hack, oo breathing cornflour, ginger ground and cocoa Hoover bag.
Then welcome. Mm.
Oo, aa aa muz muz, in Blue Jam (echoes)