I would like to thank everyone for their support. If this is only given through terror, then so be it. We like to think that fear spurs you on to greater things. And remember - all that is required for evil to succeed is for good men to do nothing! So do keep it up.
Firstly, I would like to remind everyone about the Student Council's long-running benches project. Just think, as soon as we have raised the necessary cash, the college will have its own benches outside. Galvanised steel - comfortable, and pleasing to the eye! This will also ensure that they stay in keeping with the weather. They may be a mite chilly in winter, but just wait until the holidays and they'll warm up a treat! I should also remind you that eating on college premises is not permitted outside of the dining area, so don't get any ideas about eating your sandwiches on the benches. Anyway, do give any donations you might have to the Student Council. At 200 odd pounds each, these benches are quite literally a steal!
Now for the main issue of the day - the new incentive scheme. Unlike the old, outmoded system, you will now be given reward points for good work, and will receive a prize for accumulating enough of them. Although this may sound familiar, please note that the points are now called credits, and not merits. That's very important. And the prizes! I was so excited I had to go and be sick. Believe it or not, these prizes have been selected by you, the student. And what do you receive? You get a wonderful voucher entitling you to some economy stationery products from our very own Information Centre! (Proof of ID and signature must be shown. Don't worry though, we anticipate that students will cherish their vouchers so much, they won't want to spend them.) You also get a lovely certificate printed on coloured cardboard, designed by top art students in over ten minutes! And slog away hard enough and you might claim the ultimate reward - a watch. Now, remember, this is what you, the students, want. Don't deny it. After all, the Student Council are the students. We have also interviewed a certain number of students of uncertain status, and with some encouragement they were able to see things our way. Don't ask me for names - I've already forgotten them! I don't know anything about any photographs, either. What I do know is that this new system will herald a new dawn. The dawn of a new era. An era of prosperity. A prosperity born of obedience. Students will do their utmost to be a credit to the college. They will dress smartly according to the dress code, they will moderate their language and manners, and if they are Post-16 they will try to remain out of sight. Above all, they will behave like employees and not like children.
Don't do as I do; do as I say.
In defence of the Student Council
by the occasional activist
I believe thanks is in order for the Student Council for their achievements, the foremost of which must be the successful recoup of expenditures on Children in Need day, and, of course, taking the initiative with bench fundraising. All too often an organisation will dwell too long on the opinions of the differently significant, and the process of implementing policies deemed for the common good will be slowed. The Student Council is certainly not guilty of this, and should be commended. The executive committee have performed their task diligently, and have set a unique example to less equal students by showing them the potential results of antisocial behaviour. Above all, the Student Council must be congratulated for their efficient handling of proposed legislations, as this is where its innovation lies. The Student Council has successfully streamlined democracy by cutting out the middle man, and by accepting ideas only from preferable sources. This system has worked for many political regimes in the past, and long may it reign here. This has been a good year for the Council, and with any luck there will be many more to come.
