Frequently Asked Questions
Actually, that's a lie. Almost none of these questions have ever been asked. I could call this frequently unasked questions, but I won't, for obvious reasons.
Q: Who are you?
A: Less lazy than you, apparently. Look in the appropriate section, indolent fool!
Q: Why have you done this?
A: I don't know. Because I can. Because I was bored. Because I wanted to make other people suffer.
Q: Where did you get that funky background?
A: I drew it myself. Jealous? You should be.
Q: I'm not jealous. It's a rubbish background.
A: You shouldn't be here, Tom.
Q: Did you really draw all of those pictures yourself?
A: Yes, I did. Impressed?
Q: No. They aren't very good.
A: That's not really a question, is it?
Q: Why don't you have a history page, so I can tell what updates you've made without having to trawl the whole site?
A: Because that would mean hard work for me, whereas the current system means hard work for you. Do I care? No.
Q: Why have you got so much stuff about death? Are you some kind of psychopath?
A: No, I'm being ironic. And you have just shown yourself up as being unable to detect irony. Wear a sign reading "knowlessman" and ring a bell as you go around, so that people will single you out, cruelly laughing at and prodding you.
Q: Was Teletubbies at War ironic?
A: Actually, that one was just mindless violence.
Q: Where are the animations, and why aren't you working on them?
A: The animations are on another computer, in a different format, under a separate file system and OS. I haven't got time. But one day I will. And then you too can see the infamous Teletubby massacre, and the Skellybones story.
Q: Why do you tantalise us and leave us wanting?
A: Because I like to mess with your head and make you suffer.
Q: What words do you enjoy saying?
A: Well, words beginning with BR are always good. Brass. British. Brilliant. Very powerful, wouldn't you agree? Amazing is quite a good one, with slightly too much stress on the middle syllable. Wigglyduck. That's a good one, too. Wigglyduck. Wigglyduck.
Q: What the <blasphemy> is a Wigglyduck?
A: Why, the fruit of the unnatural union between a Wigglytuff and a Psyduck, of course.
Q: Name a typical English village.
A: Clearly the answer must be Nempnett Thrubwell. A fine name if ever there was one. Thanks must go to Ben "Shu" Stevens for pointing this out to me.
Q: My eyes! They bleed!
A: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Q: What annoys you?
A: Oh, lots of things. For example, people who say "ying and yang" or "vicea versa." And if you can't see why, go outside right now and bury yourself alive.
Well, that's all for now, but send me any questions you have. Or just ask me in person, since there's a 90% chance that I see you every day anyway.