Hello, sir!
News items I have made up in the past, possibly in a pathetic attempt to be more like Chris Morris. Some of them may be satirical, but I'll settle for just funny.
No news is good news
(The Nine o'clock news studio)
BUERKE: This is the news. The BBC and other media corporations across the globe were today plunged into turmoil when it was revealed that nothing at all had happened. Fransisco Badger is on the scene with a live report.
(Pan across to BADGER)
BADGER: Thank you Michael. This is truly a momentous day. There is literally no news whatsoever to report. All across the nation, the offices of television stations and newspapers are panicking at the dearth of stories to report. There have been no significant deaths, no warlike acts, and the Queen's hat steadfastly refuses to accidentally fall off. I spoke to some members of staff at the newsroom about this crisis.
(Cut to a man standing by a news camera. Caption: "Tedium Redford, technical technician")
REDFORD: Yeah, it's hell back here. We never thought this would happen, so we just weren't prepared. It's an absolute tragedy, I mean, people thrive on having news to watch, so they know what's going on in the world, like. If nothing's happening, well, you don't know where you stand. I see the news industry from the inside, and I know how much it means to people.
(Cut back to BADGER)
BADGER: News reporters are now faced with the nightmare of having half an hour to fill, and no events to fill it with. We've been getting the opinion of the man in the street on the crisis.
(Cut to a man in the street)
MAN: Well, I look forward to watching the news every night. And there's Top Gear after it, too. I opened the paper this morning and it was weird, they were just going on about how this day would go down in history as the day the reporters were at a complete loss for words. There's even a special 28-page pullout in the Independent about the effect this is having over the globe. I threw it away, though.
(Cut back to BUERKE in the studio)
BUERKE: At 10:30 tonight, Newsnight looks at the television and newspaper journalists affected by the news drought, and on Friday there will be a Panorama special on the phenomenon. The Director-General of the BBC was quoted as saying "This totally eventless day will surely go down in history."
War report
"There are explosions. Men are shouting in foreign. They sound very angry. This war is making people they know dead. One day there may be peace, but now there isn't. Will this fight take more people, they ask. I think so, yes."
I just come up with these things first thing in the morning.
Headlines
First, an older one, more in the vein of The Day Today:
Lines in hair caused by Yiddish valve, squeak ministers
And now a whole load that came to me on one of my more productive days:
The Independent - "Blair baby not human, say coroners"
The Times - "Prescott shot by angry fisherman believing him to be giant sea bass"
Derby Evening Telegraph - "Latest kidnap news: I'm so sorry, I've just remembered I don't have a daughter, admits Findern man"
The Express - "Cleaning lady thought slaughtered children were old paper"
The Mirror - "Zippy created Daleks in own image"
The Star - "Don King found suffocated in box-er tricks"
The Sun - "Thatcher seal-clubbing disgrace"
The Sport - "Kenneth Clark constructed from special wool"
The Financial Times - "Murdoch fortunes plummet after Sky and Sun fall apart"
The Observer - "Bishop loses faith after shroud says 'Go forth and eat your own face'"
The Guardian - "Ambassador's cheeks and neck filled with tofu by English nationalists"
The News of the World - "Broadmoor inmates denied oxygen"
The Daily Mail - "Execution by yucca wire"
Idiocy punished
In a startling move, the House of Commons has moved to increase the sentence for attempted murderers. The basis for the decision was the realisation that attempted murderers are not only mentally capable of killing, but are too incompetant to do it properly. The Home Secretary was heard to remark that "Britain needs protection from these idiots."
Although the punishment will not be increased to a life sentence, prisoners will be more carefully watched to make sure they don't hurt themselves. Upon release, they will spend a further year in a secure teaching facility, being rigorously educated. Subjects will include garotting technique, proper use of firearms, pool safety and forensics.