Why did I write this? Well, I wrote it partly because I like both the League of Gentlemen and Daria. But I don't think that was the main reason. The main reason was that I am on the Internet, therefore fan-fiction writing is mandatory.
I now know better. I was reasonably quick to realise that I have quite a back catalogue of sketches and drawings, and so I can keep a website going for a long time without ever doing any work. In any case, I've put this little story up, too. So without further ado, here it is.
The League of Gentlemen: Strangers in Royston Vasey
A HILL ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF ROYSTON VASEY - EARLY MORNING
(Eerie, suspenseful music plays. In the middle distance, on the brink of the hill, stands an old looking house-like building. A dirty sign on it proclaims "LOCAL SHOP". A road sign can be seen in the foreground, and in the far distance, in a valley, lies the Yorkshire village of Royston Vasey.)
(Four figures appear on screen, walking along the path to the valley. They are the Morgendorffer family. All are carrying heavy bags and suitcases - with difficulty.)
QUINN: I still can't believe there's no porter or anything.
DARIA: (Disinterested monotone) Well, this is England. We must be expected to make sacrifices.
HELEN: Girls, quieten down and let's just concentrate on getting our things into the village and finding the Bed and Breakfast place...
JAKE: Hey, look! "Local shop..." Look, it's a shop! My goodness! A veritable warehouse of local culture! Let's take a look, gang!
HELEN: JAKE, we're not doing anything until we've offloaded these cases. Keep walking!
JAKE: (Dejected) Ohh...
(Cut to a quick shot of the upstairs window of the shop, where EDWARD peers out at the new arrivals with a grim expression, then lets the curtain fall back into place.)
(Cut to an ominous shot of the dirty road sign. "Welcome to ROYSTON VASEY" it says. "You'll never leave!")
(The music reaches a climax, then leads into the "League of Gentlemen" theme tune, which is reasonably upbeat, but with the same sinister undertone, as we cut to:)
MAIN STREET - MID MORNING
(Pan down from rooftop level, to view the reasonably busy street. Cut to VENDOR standing on the pavement holding a makeshift cardboard food vendor box, with straps over his shoulder. We cannot see inside the box, but the sign on it says "Vanilla Ices - 50p". He replaces this with the new sign he has just finished writing, which says "Vanilla drink - 10p". LES MCQUEEN approaches the VENDOR. Pan across and slowly up, passing a man posting a letter...)
POST BOX: (Cheerful monotone) Thank you for posting a letter inside me.
(...and stop panning to show a small metal statue on top of a pedestal. The title (The League of Gentlemen" is superimposed to the right of the statue. At this point the main section of the theme tune is playing.)
(Cut to the Morgendorffers shuffling along the street awkwardly, having real difficulty with their luggage. They pass a poor quality photocopied notice pinned to a telephone pole, which says "LOST: Have you seen my house?" The picture shows a semi-detached pair of houses, one of which has been reduced to a pile of rubble. BERNICE WOODALL, vicar at the village church, holding a collection box and a sign reading "EUTHANASIA FOR THE DISABLED" accosts the Morgendorffers, hoping for a donation. They decline and hurry onward. Children are fighting a little way down the road. As they walk past a shop with a sign reading "VIDEO HIRE" in the window, HENRY and ALLY, teenagers, nearly run into them as they come out of the shop enthusiastically waving VCR machines around.)
ALLY: Whoops! (To Henry, laughing) You nearly 'it them Yanks, you idiot!
(They and the Morgendorffers go their separate ways. Music ends. Cut to:)
AN UNSPECIFIED STREET - NOON
(Faint music plays for the first few moments of the scene. The Morgendorffers walk wearily toward the camera, heads down with tiredness.)
HELEN: Well, this is the road. Number 37, number 37... Oh my God.
(All look up at the house - or lack of it. Cut to view of the remains of Number 37, as seen on the notice in the previous scene.)
JAKE: What!? Dammit! Where's the Bed and Breakfast!?
QUINN: Oh, no! Does this mean we have to take these cases even *further*!?
DARIA: Oh, I don't know. A lick of paint, a bit of patching... This could be a residence fit for a king.
HELEN: What exactly happened here!?
JAKE: Gaah... dammit! This place sounded so nice!
HELEN: CALM DOWN, Jake. We've come here to relax. Just because we've hit a... minor setback... doesn't mean the holiday has to be ruined. We'll just have to go back and look for another place to stay.
JAKE: Oh, MAN!! DAAH! (Continues to rant)
DARIA: Well, we now know what happens when mortgages payments are not kept up with.
(Cut to:)
A DIRT TRACK - NOON
(GEOFF, MIKE and BRIAN are walking along towards the camera, on their way to the pub for their lunch break.)
GEOFF: Oh, come on, Brian! You must have seen it.
BRIAN: No, no, honestly, Geoff! I didn't know it was on. Was it any good?
GEOFF: Well, of course it was, you idiot! It won twelve Oscars, didn't it?
MIKE: It was only nominated for twelve. It won nine.
GEOFF: It doesn't matter! The critics loved it! Best director, best picture, best producer, best..
MIKE: No, the producer won an award from somewhere else. There isn't an Oscar for producers.
(They pass some small children, who make a valiant attempt to hit GEOFF with a rock.)
GEOFF: Well, whatever!! The point is, it was brilliant!
BRIAN: Oh. Er, what's it about, Geoff?
GEOFF: (Hesitantly, he's not sure) Well... it's about an English... patient...
(Cut to:)
INSIDE THE LOCAL SHOP - NOON
(The shop is dingily lit. There are all kinds of odd merchandise around the room - no mass-produced brand names. Most of the things look quite old. TUBBS is at the counter. She is staring at a map she has opened out. After a pause, enter EDWARD.)
TUBBS: (To herself) Lines... lines and lines... Plymouth.
EDWARD: Tubbs? Tubbs? What are you doing?
TUBBS: Er... nothing, nothing! (Tries to hide map) Nothing at all...
EDWARD: What's that!?
TUBBS: Nothing, nothing...
EDWARD: Don't lie to me, Tubbs! What are you hiding?
TUBBS: Er... Plymouth?
EDWARD: (Laughing patronisingly) Oh, now, now, Tubbs. This obsession of yours with strange places is not natural! Don't you realise we must embrace this town's local ways while we can? Even now, our very home is at risk from strange and foreign... (With contempt) un-local forces.
(TUBBS looks blank.)
EDWARD: (Dramatically) Americans, Tubbs! Filthy brutes! Here to spread their vile and disgusting ways in this pure, unsullied place! There can be no peace in this valley until justice is done against these monsters! Strangers have come here from the land of America!
(Beat)
TUBBS: What is... America..?
(Cut to:)
OUTSIDE OF PUB - EARLY AFTERNOON
(Brief snatch of the League of Gentlemen music plays. The Morgendorffers stagger into shot, utterly exhausted.)
HELEN: (Gets breath back) We have got to take a rest!
JAKE: I'll say!
HELEN: Come on, let's go in here... we can get a drink, and maybe someone will know of a place to stay..
(The family walks in wordlessly, and we cut to:)
INTERIOR OF PUB - EARLY AFTERNOON
(It is a simple, traditional English pub. It's quite busy. DARIA and QUINN sit at a table while JAKE and HELEN walk across to the bar. Quinn glances the other way, and we pan over with her a little to reveal MICKEY, sitting alone at the next table, staring at her with a stupid grin.)
MICKEY: 'Ello...
(QUINN smiles politely but awkwardly, and then tries to ignore him. After a moment, HELEN and JAKE return, carrying some drinks.)
HELEN: Here are your drinks, girls. It's no good, the barman doesn't know of anywhere to stay. He said they don't get many visitors here.
DARIA: That's hard to believe.
MICKEY: (To QUINN) Do you like fire engines?
QUINN: Mom, can we sit somewhere else?
(Cut to GEOFF, MIKE and BRIAN, who are drinking at a table in the middle of the room. GEOFF is seated in the centre, looking sullen. MIKE, on the left, is enthusing to BRIAN on the right.)
MIKE: ..this bloke, who knew the patient, now HE'D been caught by the Germans, and they tortured him, and so he blamed the Hungarian fellow for it..
GEOFF: Look, will you just give over!? I knew he was Hungarian! I just forgot for a minute, that's all!
BRIAN: (Laughing) Oh, Geoff, you're not *still* hung up about that, are you?
GEOFF: Oh, shut it, you!
(Awkward silence.)
GEOFF: You think I don't understand good films, is that it!?
MIKE: Now Geoff, don't...
GEOFF: (Wheeling round to face him) Oh, shut up! It's always been simple for you, hasn't it! Everything I do, there you are, showing off, knowing more than me, being better than me! Ever since we were in school!! YOU always had it easy! It was ME who got moved to a lower stream! I would've kept up if it hadn't been for you distracting me, putting me off!! (By this time the entire pub has fallen silent.) You think you're so bloody perfect, don't you!? DON'T YOU!? Why can't I win, just once!? Why can't I be the best at something! That's all I am to you, isn't it, GEOFF THE BLOODY LOSER! Never won anything! Not even that bloody talent contest! (Starts to break down) I should've won it, I was the best one there! Me mam said I would! Always someone else, never me! I hate, you, Mike... (Suddenly leaps from his seat, drawing a handgun and brandishes it, looking round wildly) BUT NOW I'VE GOT THIS GUN!!
(Shrieks of panic from people in background. MIKE is leaning back as far away from the gun as possible, terrified.)
BRIAN: Oh, God!
GEOFF: Ha, see!? You'll all pay now!! One by one! I knew I'd get my revenge! When I'm the only one left, then I'LL be the winner! (Aims it at MIKE) You'll be the first to die! Any last requests!?
(Terrifying pause)
MIKE: (Slowly) Geoff... Geoff... you DID say he was Hungarian.
(Beat)
GEOFF: (Putting gun away) Did I? Oh, well, never mind, then.
(Talking resumes in background. Cut to the Morgendorffers looking incredulous. Then cut to:)
INTERIOR OF CHURCH - LATE AFTERNOON
(BERNICE WOODALL is speaking to the somewhat small congregation. The few people that are there are old and uninterested.)
BERNICE: ...and while he may have been considered extreme... while his methods might have been a little unorthodox.. For all his faults, Hitler was rarely wrong. His observations on the Jews were spot on. There is only one religion, the religion of Jesus Christ! And anyone who believes anything else, or even steps out of line, should be destroyed, and cast into eternal damnation. Oh, I know that bloody PC brigade has tried to brainwash the population with their... PROPAGANDA... into thinking we should all have free speech. But they're wrong! Nobody should even be allowed to THINK what they want! The only way... the ONLY WAY... we're ever going to reach a proper state of civilisation... is to revert back to the old ways. You know what I'm talking about! Slavery! Executions! Religious warfare! Torture of the heretics... and they know who they are! You think turning up here every odd Sunday when there's nothing else to do's going to give you free passage through the Pearly Gates!? You'll have another think coming when you pop your clogs, believe you me! There's not one of you seated here today who isn't going to burn in hell!
(Cut to:)
A FIELD SOMEWHERE ON THE FARM - LATE AFTERNOON
(Wide shot of two figures - FARMER TINSEL and MR CHINNERY - trudging across the field to where an animal stands.)
TINSEL: She's just over here, Mr Chinnery...
(Cut to a closer view of the scene. TINSEL and CHINNERY, the vet, stand over a sick-looking goat. Chinnery has his bag of instruments. The goat is lying on the ground, bleating weakly. It looks bloated.)
CHINNERY: Ah, hello there, Betsy...
TINSEL: She's been ever so poorly. I've been very worried. Betsy is like one of the family, I just couldn't bear to lose her right now... We've had a few losses.. (pauses very briefly and glances toward CHINNERY, who grins slightly with embarrassment) ..and Betsy means so much to us.. sentimental value, you know...
CHINNERY: (Gently) Now, don't you worry. Betsy's been around a good few years, and she's not about to give up now. (Squats down by the goat)Are you? There's plenty of life in you yet, old girl. You'll be leaping about like a kid in a couple of weeks, I'll be bound. Now, what Betsy's suffering from is not uncommon, and it's not too serious, either. It's actually caused by coccidia, which are tiny parasites in the small intestine. I'm sure it'd clear up on it's own. But we can make her feel a lot better right away. (Opening bag) It's quite simple, it's just a matter of letting out this excess fluid that's built up inside her. It's just like a spot of indigestion. (Takes out a sharp looking instrument.)
TINSEL: It won't hurt her, will it?
(Close up of CHINNERY's head and shoulders so the goat can't be seen.)
CHINNERY: (Smiles pleasantly) No, no, of course not, Mr Tinsel. It's just a matter of making a little cut... here...
(Suddenly a vast jet of vile liquid, obviously mostly blood, with other disgusting greenish disease-produced substances, spurts up in CHINNERY's face. He flinches away, as the mixture continues to come out for about ten seconds, with a loud gushing noise backed by the goats dying bleat. The flow eventually dies to a stop, and CHINNERY turns to meet TINSEL's devastated gaze. CHINNERY grins awkwardly.)
CHINNERY: Ah. I don't suppose you'd have a handkerchief I could borrow?
(Pause on the scene momentarily, then cut to:)
VIDEO SHOP INTERIOR - EARLY EVENING
(The shop looks like any other one, and has a reasonably up-to-date collection of videos. ALLY and HENRY are browsing.)
ALLY: How about The Matrix?
HENRY: Seen that. It was all right.
ALLY: Were there many killings?
HENRY: Yeah, it wasn't bad. There's this bit where Keanu Reeves and that woman shoot all these Customs blokes... but apart from that it was just people jumping about and stuff, really. Bit boring. (Picks up a video) "Schindler's List."
ALLY: Any killings in that one?
(Cut to view of door. Enter DARIA, carrying some cases. She's taking a break from all the walking about, and puts the things down, taking a seat on a large suitcase. Cut back to the two boys.)
HENRY: There's that Yank lass. Hey, she'd know what the best films are! She's from America!
ALLY: Hey, you're right. Ask her, then.
HENRY: (Hesitates a little) ...All right, then. Oi! You in the green.
DARIA: (Not sure what to make of the two) Yes?
HENRY: Er... can you tell us what film to hire? Seeing as you'd know which were the best, and that.
DARIA: What makes you think that?
HENRY: Well.. you're...
ALLY: American.
DARIA: I see. Well, I'd love to help you, but I'm off duty. Call me again during Critic's Hours.
ALLY: Oh, go on!
DARIA: (Bored sigh) Well, in the absence of anything more worthwhile to do, I suppose I might as well assist you. Now, what kind of movie were you thinking of? Are we big fans of the romances, perchance?
HENRY: No, we're more into killing and stuff.
DARIA: Well, I must admit I can understand the appeal of such things. Have you tried Robocop? A darkly comical sadistic spree of destruction, as I'm led to believe. (Beat) Lots of people get killed.
ALLY: Oh, I think we've seen that, then. Is there any newer stuff that's good?
DARIA: Can't you just watch the classics over again? Surely one mindless slaughter is just like another.
HENRY: Er, p'raps. I dunno. (To ALLY) What do you think?
ALLY: I reckon maybe we should get Robocop.
HENRY: Yeah, all right. (To DARIA) Er.. do you want to come and watch Robocop with us? Seeing as you helped us choose.
DARIA: If I were to go walking off with two boys I'd only just met, without even bothering to tell my parents, they'd be worried out of their minds. But I'm afraid I'm still going to have to decline. We need to find a place to stay, or else we'll face the uncomfortable prospect of having to carry these cases around for the duration of our holiday. Maybe some other time.
(She gets up and leaves, taking her cases with her.)
ALLY: She's pretty cool, in't she?
(Cut to:)
A HILL ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF ROYSTON VASEY - EVENING
(It is getting a little bit dark. A figure walks into shot and approaches the shop. Cut to:)
INSIDE THE LOCAL SHOP - EVENING
(The door opens, and ALAN VINE enters. He is an enthusiastic man in his late thirties, who is dressed in smart-casual wear and wears glasses.)
ALAN: (Striding into the middle of the room) Hello, anybody home? (Beat) Hey, the sign says you're open!
(TUBBS enters from the curtain strips at the back)
TUBBS: Yes..?
ALAN: Hi, there! I was starting to think there was nobody in.
TUBBS: Er, well, we weren't expecting anybody... Not anybody *local*..
ALAN: Well, I'm not local, so I guess you couldn't have known, eh? (He laughs, TUBBS laughs a little but clearly doesn't know why) No, I'm here for research.
TUBBS: (Impressed and mystified) What is it that you do?
ALAN: Oh, I'm a writer. My name's Alan Vine, I write travel books. I'm here researching for my latest work - "Rural England, the Jewel in the Crown."
TUBBS: A *local* book?
ALAN: Oh, no, not a local book. It's travelled the length and breadth of this land. As for me, I've been even further. I've been in Europe, in the States, in Africa...
TUBBS: "The States"?
ALAN: Yes, America. Ever been to America?
(Brief shot of the curtain strips, where EDWARD materialises, with a look of pure hatred.)
TUBBS: (Dreamily) Oh, yes, please.
ALAN: Great place, isn't it? Oh, this land may be beautiful, but America... to me it's just stunning!
EDWARD: (Walking into the shop) What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here!
ALAN: Oh, hi there. Do you run this place?
EDWARD: Yes, yes. Now what do you want from us?
TUBBS: He writes a book of our local land!
EDWARD: Hmm, is this true?
ALAN: I was just telling your, er, wife, about my work. I'm here to write about this place.
EDWARD: Yes? To say how beautiful and unsullied it is?
ALAN: Yeah, that kind of thing.
EDWARD: And to tell of the wonderful landscapes and the night skies?
ALAN: Yes, that's just it.
EDWARD: And above all, how the people are charming, and friendly, and LOCAL?
ALAN: Well, I suppose so..
EDWARD: (Angrily) Then what is this talk of America!?
ALAN: Oh, that. (Laughs knowingly) Well, there's nothing wrong with America, but if I have to be honest, how can it really begin to compare to a place like this? (EDWARD actually seems pleased by this) I mean, how can anyone suggest that Disneyland's even a patch on your local area? (TUBBS mouths "Dis-ney-land..." with a puzzled look) In this valley, a man can find anything he could possibly want! (EDWARD is smiling with agreement) The local pubs, the local accommodation, and of course the local shops! (Very enthusiastically) And once my latest book is published, everybody will know about it!
(The atmosphere is broken. EDWARD instantly returns to his former hostile self and stares angrily at ALAN. ALAN looks puzzled at the silence that follows his speech. TUBBS remains in her own little world, staring wistfully at the ceiling. After a moment, cut to:)
A SECLUDED STREET - LATE EVENING
(The houses are all terraced. By this time, it is getting quite dark. The Morgendorffers trudge into shot. They show no signs of having the will to live. Suddenly HELEN stops dead. The rest of the family follow suit.)
HELEN: Oh, this is it. I have had enough. We've got to get out of this hell-hole. Let's get back to the railway station. We're never going to find a place to stay here.
(Cut to shot of an upstairs window of the house directly behind them. A figure peers down at the family. Cut back to the Morgendorffers.)
JAKE: Hey, wait a second! I hadn't noticed that!
(The rest of the family follow his gaze. Cut to close up of an ornate metallic sign by the door of the house. It reads: "BED AND BREAKFAST" Beneath that is written "Half Board prop. E. Sheppard". Cut back to the family.)
HELEN: (Confused) But I didn't see... That wasn't there!
QUINN: Who cares!? Let's just stay here, for the love of...
HELEN: OK, then! I'm not about to look a gift horse in the mouth... Let's go.
(They approach the house, and HELEN goes to ring the doorbell. The door opens before she reaches it, and MRS SHEPPARD appears. She is a short old lady in her seventies, with a voice that suggests she is eccentric but harmless.)
SHEPPARD: Why, hello. What can I do for you good people?
JAKE: Er... the sign says..
SHEPPARD: Why, yes, of course, of course! I run a humble little house, but my doors are open to anybody. Are there just the four of you?
JAKE: Yes, er, how much will that cost for two nights?
SHEPPARD: Oh, just fifty pounds for each of you. Per night. That'll be 200 pounds.
JAKE: 200 pounds!? That's a bit stee..
HELEN: JAKE, can I talk to you for a moment? (They both turn away from MRS SHEPPARD) Look, I don't care how much it costs. For God's sake, just pay whatever it takes so we don't have to stay out all night!
JAKE: OK... (Turning back) Yes, 200 pounds is fine, I suppose.
SHEPPARD: Oh, you are a dear! you'll be getting two meals a day, after all. Do you like roast dinners?
JAKE: (Eagerly) Oh, yeah!
SHEPPARD: Ahhh. I'm sure you'll all be just fine here. (To JAKE) I'm sure *you'll* like it. I once had a son who was just like you... (With just a hint of anger and resentment) until he decided to go gallivanting off to the big city, and leave me on my own... (Normally) Come in, do come in!
(Suspenseful music. She ushers them all into the house, and then closes the door sinisterly... Cut to:)
A HILL ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF ROYSTON VASEY - NIGHT
(A fire is blazing near the local shop. Close up on EDWARD as he throws ALAN's glasses into the fire. He then unfolds a map, looks at it for a moment, then discards it too. Shot of the map burning, then cut to:)
MRS SHEPPARD'S DINING ROOM - MID MORNING
(The room is actually quite small, with an old fireplace, and it is packed with antiques, including a vase and a grandfather clock, making the room seem even smaller. The family are seated around the varnished oak table, on ornate wooden chairs. MRS SHEPPARD is serving them fried breakfast. After a moment, a small dog runs in and starts leaping about.)
DARIA: Boy, you introduce all kinds of quarantine laws, but still..
SHEPPARD: Oh, don't mind him. He can just smell the food. (To dog) Down!
(The dog whimpers slightly, and crawls under the table. The family continue to eat. After a pause:)
JAKE: Gee, this sure is nice!
HELEN: I must admit it's a nice way to start the morning.
(Shot of QUINN looking dubiously at her still full plate.)
SHEPPARD: Do eat up! There's plenty more where this came from.
DARIA: (A little doubtful, looking down at her heaped plate) There's more..?
JAKE: (Laughs) Well, looks like we've been living a deprived lifestyle, eh, gang?
(Silence)
SHEPPARD: Do eat up, Ms Quinn.
QUINN: Er, well, you see, I'm more used to a calorie-controlled diet...
SHEPPARD: (Pointedly) Enough! Eat up.
HELEN: Yes, Quinn, don't hurt Mrs Sheppard's feelings. (Quinn reluctantly starts eating. MRS SHEPPARD is moving to serve HELEN more bacon and egg) Actually, I couldn't eat another thing.
SHEPPARD: Nonsense. You need a good meal to prepare yourself for the day.
DARIA: Well, I'm stuffed, guess I'll...
SHEPPARD: (With more than a hint of anger) No, you won't! You will stay here and you will all show me that you appreciate the effort that has gone into the preparation of this meal! I've spent hours preparing this food, and I'll not be satisfied until it's all finished!
(The family eat, a little unnerved. After a pause:)
JAKE: (Who hasn't been listening to any of this) Well, that was very nice, but I couldn't eat another bite.
SHEPPARD: (Her normal self) Well, don't feel you have to eat more than your share, Mr Morgendorffer! You go out and enjoy yourself. Your family can catch up with you later.
JAKE: OK! I'll meet you all later! 'Bye!
HELEN: Wait..
(But Jake has gone.)
SHEPPARD: (Smiling triumphantly) Well, this breakfast isn't eating itself!
(Cut to:)
MAIN STREET - LATE MORNING
(Jake strolls along, happily oblivious to the children tormenting a cat in the background. Soon he reaches what he's looking for: the tourist information stand. It is rather like a newsagent's counter, but a lot smaller. A few leaflets are standing in a new-looking holder. The rest of the stand is ancient-looking - peeling paint, etc. - and unmanned. A yellowed piece of paper stuck to the counter says in faded ink: "Gon to dinnr".)
JAKE: Ah! (Browsing through leaflets) Roundabout zoo... Stump Hole cavern..? Hmm...
(Undecided, he stops a passer by to ask him. It is LES MCQUEEN.)
JAKE: Excuse me, could you tell me... Um, have I seen you somewhere before?
LES: (Thinking, a fan!) Well, I won't be modest. Yes, it's me! (Jake looks blank) Les McQueen... guitar player of Creme Brulee.
JAKE: Actually, I think I saw you selling ice creams or something.
LES: Oh..
JAKE: (It sinks in) Guitar player? Hey, you're in a band!? Wow!
LES: Well, I was. I was quite famous in my day. I'd stroll in the newsagent's and people would stop and stare! We got into the Eurovision Heats... same year as Buck's Fizz. We were rather good, if I may say so myself.
JAKE: Well, good for you. When I was younger I used to live a little on the wild side, too. (Goes off on a rant of self-pity.) Yes, I let my hair down... did some groovy things... once I got out of that damned military academy. Huh! I'll never forgive the old man for that, not as long as I live! Oh, yeah, the Sixties were pretty swinging... but of course, once it's all over, you have to go back to being *responsible* again. (Bitterly) And so I take an entry-level job in a run-of-the-mill advertising firm... I OWN a firm now, but is it going anywhere? Am *I* going anywhere!? No!
LES: (Trying to move the conversation back to himself) Well, if you like to let your hair down, why don't you take one of these old demo tapes? Hey, you're into advertising? Maybe Creme Brulee could be the next big "Retro" thing! (But JAKE has wandered off unhappily, taking a few leaflets with him) It's a shit business, anyway! I'm glad I'm out of it.
(Cut to further down the street, where Jake is still walking)
JAKE: Zoo.. no... cave.. no... (Looks up) Oh, yeah!
(Cut to JAKE's POV: The hill on one side of the village, with a building silhouetted on the horizon)
JAKE: That shop..
(As JAKE sets off, sinister music, like at the beginning of the programme, plays. Cut to:)
MRS SHEPPARD'S DINING ROOM - LATE MORNING
(DARIA, HELEN and QUINN are still seated, their plates finally emptied. MRS SHEPPARD stands nearby with a triumphant look.)
SHEPPARD: Now you're ready to face the day! Would you care for a short rest before you go out?
QUINN: (Groaning) Ohh... I must have eaten a thousand calories... None of my tops will fit...
SHEPPARD: That's the spirit! (Sinister) I'll see you at dinner... (Exits, the door shuts with no apparent human intervention)
(Cut to:)
DARIA AND QUINN'S ROOM - NOON
(The room is quite plush, with heavily made beds and deep carpet. The decor is not ridiculously tasteless. The girls have finished recuperating from breakfast. They are sitting on their beds, unsure of what to do before HELEN wakes up.)
QUINN: Ohhh.. I still feel bad. That woman is a freak!
DARIA: For once I agree with you. This is one freaky place, all right. Freaky, freaky...
QUINN: Oh, I'm going to have to starve myself when we get back home, or I'll get all bloated and never hear the last of it!
DARIA: (With feeling) Freaky.
QUINN: Ohh, where IS Mom!? If she doesn't wake up soon, I know we'll just be trapped here forever...
(The door opens and HELEN enters.)
DARIA: Ah, you've survived the breakfast? You're made of stern stuff.
HELEN: Hello, girls. I'm not sure where your father is, so I think we'd better just take a walk around the town and see if we find him. (Quietly) Anything's better than staying here... (Normal) Oh, yes, but first we should take our laundry down to the utility room. Daria, would you mind?
DARIA: I suppose it won't kill me. Well, maybe not.
HELEN: Good! The bag's out in the hallway. Mrs Sheppard said that it's just on the right. In the basement. We'll see you in the high street, OK, Daria? (She and QUINN exit hastily)
DARIA: Hmm. Oh, well.
(Cut to the hallway, where Daria leaves the room and picks up the bin bag just next to the door. She walks out of shot. Cut to:)
A HILL ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF ROYSTON VASEY - NOON
(Tense music. A figure - JAKE - in the middle distance, approaches the local shop, and enters. Cut to:)
INSIDE THE LOCAL SHOP - NOON
(The shop is deserted as JAKE enters. He looks around for a few moments, and we see that ALAN VINE's clothes are now for sale. Then cut to the curtain strips leading to the back of the shop, where TUBBS appears, unknown to JAKE.)
TUBBS: (After a pause) Yes..?
JAKE: Oh! Er.. just looking.
TUBBS: Can I help you at all?
JAKE: No, no. Thanks anyway.
(He continues to browse.)
TUBBS: I haven't seen you around here before. Are you local?
JAKE: No, I'm here on a holiday. I'm from America.
TUBBS: America?
JAKE: Yes.
(TUBBS looks thoughtful, but says nothing further on the subject. After a pause:)
TUBBS: Are you looking for something in particular?
JAKE: Well, not really. I'm just browsing.
TUBBS: (Looks sidewards at him) Seen anything you like..?
JAKE: Well, er... How much are these snowstorm doodads? (Starts to reach for one)
TUBBS: NO! You mustn't touch!
JAKE: (Freezing) What.. what'd I do?
TUBBS: You mustn't touch the precious things! This is a local shop, local! There's nothing for you here!
JAKE: What do you mean?
TUBBS: Just don't you try anything! I have a husband, you know. He's sure to hear everything! We know all about you! Americans are not welcome here!
JAKE: Er, have I done something wrong?
TUBBS: Edward, Edward!
EDWARD: (Entering) Hello, hello? What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here.
TUBBS: This man is from America.
EDWARD: An American? This is a local shop, you know! There's nothing for you here.
JAKE: (Trying to defuse the situation) I was just looking around.
EDWARD: Oh, prying and snooping, eh? You Americans are all the same. (Throughout his speech, he strides around the counter over to between JAKE and the door) You come in here, looking for opportunities, so that you can.. put your nefarious schemes into action.. take the precious things of the shop... I fought in a war, do you know that? I put paid to a lot of criminal types, and I could have put paid to a lot of YOUR type, but you Americans are all cowards.
TUBBS: (Happily) He wants to take me to America!
EDWARD: (Momentarily speechless) ..Kidnapper, eh!? You despicable villains, you disgust me. You come marching in, you intimidate my wife, and touch the local things... What next? I expect you'll be attacking me with your American guns, and administering drugs to poor Tubbs here!! Go on, then! Kill me, and abduct my poor wife! Take the precious things, and burn down our home! So long as I don't have to look you in the eye!
(JAKE is speechless.)
EDWARD: (Sighs) Very well... in that case... fetch the equipment, Tubbs.
(Close up of TUBBS' gleeful expression, JAKE's terrified face, then EDWARD's grim look. Cut to:)
MRS: SHEPPARD'S BASEMENT - NOON
(Pitch darkness. DARIA opens the door at the top of the stairs and some light floods in. As DARIA walks slowly and carefully down the steep concrete staircase, we can see that the cellar is quite a long bare corridor, with one door near the stairs and another at the end. DARIA reaches the bottom of the stairs, and is about to enter the first door, labelled "Utility room", when curiosity overcomes her. Cut to view from the end of the corridor as she sneaks along it towards the other door. Then cut to a view from inside the last room - again, it is completely dark, until the door opens a little and DARIA glances round it... Suddenly she jumps with shock as an unearthly moan is heard...)
VOICE: Uuurrgh...
DARIA: Hello..?
(Cut to DARIA's POV: There is a cage in the centre of the room, and a pile of rags is beginning to stir.. A hand weakly clutches one of the bars, as whatever is in the cage tries to pull itself up. It is too weak, and cannot be identified as certainly being human, but it is wearing a tattered suit and tie...)
VOICE: Help.. help... me...
(DARIA slams the door and runs back up the stairs, unable to make a sound. Cut to the top of the stairs, where she runs into shot, still clutching the bin bag, and nearly runs into MRS SHEPPARD.)
SHEPPARD: (Suspicious) And what are you doing?
DARIA: (Can't speak for a moment) I.. I... I was taking the laundry down. (Realises she still has it) But I.. forgot.
SHEPPARD: (Dangerously) What did you see..?
DARIA: Nothing.. nothing. Uh, what do you mean?
(A pause. The situation could go either way.)
SHEPPARD: Oh, nothing. Be on your way, girl, I'll take that.
(MRS SHEPPARD takes the bin bag from DARIA. As she walks into the cellar, we see that she is also taking a couple of slices of bread. DARIA leaves, shaken up by the whole situation. Cut to:)
VIDEO SHOP INTERIOR - EARLY AFTERNOON
(ALLY and HENRY are here again, looking through the videos. After a while, DARIA enters.)
HENRY: (Noticing her) Hey, its that girl. 'Ey up! We watched Robocop.
DARIA: I had a feeling you'd be here again.
ALLY: Robocop's dead good, in't it? I'd forgotten about some of the killings.
DARIA: I'm pleased you hear you had a good time. And now what are you doing?
HENRY: Well, we've come to get another video.
ALLY: But we might have something to eat first.
HENRY: Yeah, you can come along, if you want.
DARIA: I'm... actually not very hungry.
ALLY: Hey, why don't we go to the cinema instead of getting a video? You don't have to eat the popcorn if you're not hungry, you just chuck it at the screen!
HENRY: You're right there.
DARIA: Such wisdom. This dump has a cinema?
ALLY: (Proudly) Four screens!
HENRY: Do you want to come? They're showing some great horrors.
DARIA: Horror movies? Um, is there anything else on? I'm not really in the mood for horror movies.
HENRY: How about "Hallowe'en H20"?
ALLY: Come off it, that's an 'orror!
HENRY: Well, the horrors are the only decent ones! They're the ones with all the killings!
DARIA: Oh, it doesn't matter really. Much as it pains me, I really am going to have to look for the rest of my family. (Smiles thoughtfully) Maybe something terrible has happened to them.
ALLY: Oh, right. What are you all doing here, anyway?
DARIA: It's a holiday. My dad is stressed out beyond belief. Spending a few days in the English countryside is supposed to be relaxing. It isn't working.
HENRY: Why, what's the matter with it?
DARIA: I'm not sure exactly. I just get the impression that the locals aren't friendly..
(Cut to:)
OUTSIDE "WORLD OF SHIRTS" CLOTHING SHOP - MID AFTERNOON
(It is one of several terraced shops at the end of a street. A neglected, peeling sign above the window reads "World of SHIRTS... good value clothes since 1967! (formerly Get SHIRTY)". A cardboard sign in the window says "Sale". It is faded, clearly having been there for a very long time. QUINN and HELEN approach the shop.)
HELEN: Have you any ideas where she might have gone?
QUINN: Mo-om, how would *I* know!? Besides, I've been with you all day!
HELEN: Yes, you're right, honey. Well, I suppose Daria's old enough to look after herself. Oh, look, a clothes store.
QUINN: Wow, this must be fate or something! I need some more clothes!
(They enter the shop. Cut to:)
"WORLD OF SHIRTS" CLOTHING SHOP - MID AFTERNOON
(A buzzer sounds briefly as the door opens. QUINN and HELEN walk in and look around. The goods in the shop hang on old wheeled stands. They are unremarkable.)
QUINN: Ah, it's been too long.
HELEN: Where's the clerk?
QUINN: (looking at one of the jackets) Yuck. Someone needs to get some better taste in fashion.
(Enter MRS HART, the shop's proprietor. She is middle aged, wears an old apron and smokes.)
MRS HART: Can I 'elp you ladies?
HELEN: Oh! Hello. We were just looking around.
QUINN: Where does this stuff come from!?
MRS HART: Well, we mostly get it second hand. It's the only way we can really afford, what with rent and the Council and everything. Seen anything you like? Its very good value, considering you're only gettin' it third hand. (to QUINN) That's a good choice, young miss. It suits you.
QUINN: (holding an old top at arms length) It's revolting!
HELEN: Quinn! Be polite. (to MRS HART) So, how's business?
MRS HART: Oh, it's not so bad, I suppose. We get by. Just.
HELEN: Are you only renting this building?
MRS HART: Yes. It's extortionate, you know.. Our landlord - Asian fellow, don't know how they end up in positions of power like this - he's always complaining about us. Just because we're trying to live our lives! He seems to think it's unreasonable to sell things here without a retail license and whatnot. We've got to make a living somehow, haven't we?
HELEN: (uncertainly) Well, I suppose so...
MRS HART: I mean, between this and the shoplifting, we can barely make ends meet! He was down here, only the other day, asking us for rent. The cheek of it! I sent him packing, though. Chucked the till at him! He wasn't acting so high and mighty then.
HELEN: Wasn't that a bit..?
MRS HART: Oh, knock it off, he was asking for it, wasn't he? Anyway, that's enough talk, what are you buying?
HELEN: Well, actually, we'd better be going. I need to find my husband and daughter. It was nice talking to you, though.
MRS HART: What? You're not *leaving*?
HELEN: We really do need to go, sorry.
MRS HART: Oh, no. I'm not having it. I'm not wasting time talking to people only to have them not buying things. Go on, pick something. (to QUINN) That stuff you've been touching, they're damaged articles now! Didn't you see the sign? (points to a sign on the wall reading "YOU TOUCH IT YOU BUY IT") Now, we have a simple price policy, basically the price you pay relates to how long you've been standin' around...
(Cut to:)
MRS SHEPPARD'S DINING ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON
(The Morgendorffers are seated at the table. They look apprehensive, apart from JAKE, who looks oblivious as always.)
HELEN: Hmmph. Well, today was a very odd day.
DARIA: You're not wrong there.
HELEN: Some family holiday THIS has turned out to be. We're meant to be relaxing, not getting split up and accumulating worthless junk. Where *were* you, Jake?
JAKE: (Winces unhappily) Don't ask. Just don't ask...
(HELEN, DARIA and QUINN exchange glances and shrug. They become apprehensive once more, and everyone stares glumly at the table. After a few moments of silence, MRS SHEPPARD enters, pushing a serving trolley.)
SHEPPARD: Here you go, Mr Morgendorffer, a special roast dinner, just for you! (Lifts the lid from a platter and gives the heaped plate inside to JAKE)
JAKE: (Suddenly cheering up) Wow! Thank you, Mrs Sheppard!
SHEPPARD: Oh, it's nothing really. (Voice changes to less pleasant tones) And for you lot, I've made *this*... (Hands out plates of dull, undercooked meat and gravy to the others. They are confused, but afraid to question it) ...Liver Surprise, made to my own special recipe. Now, eat up!
(JAKE is already eating. HELEN, DARIA and QUINN look unhappy, but know they have no choice. They begin to eat. Cut to:)
A COUNTRY ROAD NEAR TO THE TOWN - LATE AFTERNOON
(It is beginning to get dark, and there are no streetlights here. A car approaches, and a sign on the its roof reads "PREMIER SCHOOL OF MOTORING No.1 for quality & value". The car has its lights on, but the right one is broken. Cut to the interior of the car, where the instructor, MR STEVENS, is talking to his pupil, ANDREW. Throughout the following, ANDREW nervously follows his instructor's orders.)
MR STEVENS: Okay, now you're doing fine.. just fine. A bit faster... remember you can go up to 60 miles an hour on a road like this. Well, faster than that, really, if there aren't any cops about. I know driving at night is a bit different.. it's harder to see cars and pedestrians. Still, other people can't see your number plate as easily, though, so it balances out in a way. And okay, someone's coming up behind us now and they want to overtake. Remember what I've taught you... you want to pull out a bit.. foot down. No, he's still got room! Faster! (lunges over and pushes the steering wheel so that the car veers out dangerously) That bastard's not getting past today! Go on, remember to signal! (winds down the window and makes violent gestures to the other car as it skids off the road) There you go, nancy boy!!
(They drive off into the distance. Cut to:)
MRS SHEPPARD'S DINING ROOM - EARLY EVENING
(JAKE has dozed off and is snoring. HELEN, DARIA and QUINN are in a much deeper sleep - they are completely motionless and barely breathing. The door creaks open, and a shadow falls over the scene.)
SHEPPARD: (Walking into shot) Ahh, is everybody having a nice rest? It looks like you appreciated my special ingredient... Turns her back on them, looking dotingly at JAKE. You make a much better son than Edwin. He deserved what happened to him.. Still, soon he will have some companions, eh? Then it will just be the two of us... son...
(With a CLONG she turns rigid, and drops to the floor unconscious. Cut to a slightly different angle, to reveal QUINN, who was, in fact, not asleep at all. She is holding the poker from the fireplace.)
QUINN: Take that! (runs over to DARIA) Daria! (Shakes her) Daria, wake up! Wake up!
DARIA: (On the edge of consciousness) No..
QUINN: Daria, it's important!
DARIA: Wht.. (Sits up) What happened?
QUINN: That landlady put something in the food! It's a good job I didn't eat it!
DARIA: What!? Jeez, this place really IS demented!
QUINN: Yeah, she was talking about her son who moved away or something. You guys fell asleep so I thought I'd better play along.
DARIA: Really? Her son? It's all beginning to make sense now. Well, nearly all. If you didn't eat the food, then who did?
QUINN: I fed it to the dog. Well, I wasn't about to end my *life* by putting on a load of weight so none of my clothes would fit. I figured it couldn't hurt the dog to have a decent meal.. oh. (Looks under the table) He doesn't look well. Maybe we should..
DARIA: (Looks down) Is that Mrs Sheppard?
QUINN: Yeah, I kinda knocked her out. Uh, I guess we'd better do something.
DARIA: I'll say. Let's all get out of here as quickly as possible. I suppose you can take the dog to a vet if you really want to.
QUINN: What about Mrs Sheppard?
DARIA: (With a look of pure evil) Oh, don't you worry. I'll take care of her.
(Cut to:)
OUTSIDE MR CHINNERY'S PRACTICE - EVENING
(It is getting darker outside. The streetlight next to the building is not working. The building has a plaque by the door that says "VETERINARY SURGEON Mr Chinnery" QUINN, carrying the dog, approaches the door of the practice and knocks.)
QUINN: (Looks at plaque, raises her voice) Er, Mr Chinnery?
(She knocks again, more loudly. After a few seconds, MR CHINNERY opens the door.)
CHINNERY: Why, hello, miss. I'm sorry for the delay, I wasn't expecting any more patients tonight. Do come in...
(Cut to waiting room inside building.)
QUINN: (Following him in) Thanks.
CHINNERY: And what's this little fellow's name?
QUINN: He doesn't have one. Er, will this take long?
CHINNERY: Well, why don't you tell me what's the matter with him, and we'll see.
QUINN: I'm not really sure what's up. He's just fallen asleep, you see.. Perhaps it was something he ate?
CHINNERY: Well, has he been eating anything unusual? Have you found anything...
QUINN: Well.. er.. yeah, we found him near the medicine cabinet, with some bottles, or something like that.
CHINNERY: (In deep thought) Ri-ight...
QUINN: Is this going to take a long time? Only, my family are waiting for me and we have to..
CHINNERY: No, no, don't worry. It sounds like he's just been eating something he shouldn't and it's disagreeing with him. If that's the case, it should just be a matter of taking away whatever's bothering him, and that won't be too difficult. Normally I'd use some kind of vomit-inducing drug...
QUINN: Eww!
CHINNERY: But as he isn't conscious, I'll have to use methods that will be safer for him... Come on through and I'll show you.
QUINN: (A bit irritated that she can't just leave) Huh, all right.
(They go through a door into a room with several pieces of equipment - X-ray machine, operating table and so forth. MR CHINNERY takes the dog and puts it on a worktop, near an old-looking machine, which he switches on. It makes a loud reverberating hum.)
CHINNERY: It's a while since I last used this old stomach pump! (Seeing the look on her face) Now, don't be afraid, there's nothing to fret about. You can give me a hand, in fact. All we have to do is take your little dog here, and put him on this table... Now, you see, I just take this tube here, and put it down his little oesophagus. There. Now, could you please turn that wheel there ninety degrees clockwise?
(QUINN hesitates, then turns the large valve. A very loud hissing noise sounds briefly, and then there is a muffled explosion as she is splattered with blood. A wider angle on the scene reveals that nothing of the dog remains, but everything in a three metre blast radius is coated with blood. After a pause, an unidentifiable internal organ lands on the floor. QUINN's mouth is open in horror, but no sound will come out.)
CHINNERY: Or perhaps it was anticlockwise...
(Cut to:)
RAILWAY STATION - NIGHT
(Shot of the path from the station, where the Morgendorffers are trudging toward the camera. Cut to a view of the station. The station is a small building, and there is no sign of life. On the wall of the building are an old-looking timetable, and a poster that seems to be advertising the film "Four Weddings and a Ritual Sacrifice". The Morgendorffers approach the building, looking very much the worse for wear.)
QUINN: At last, we can get *out* of here.
DARIA: As quickly as possible.
JAKE: Yeah, the next train's at.. oh, no! This says the last train out of the village was at five to eight!
HELEN: Oh, you have got to be kidding!
JAKE: No, it's right here. "Last train, 1955."
QUINN: And when's the next one!?
JAKE: Well, it doesn't say. We'll just have to wait.
DARIA: It's a shame we weren't here in 1955. (Nobody reacts.)
(A pause, as they stand around unhappily. They are cold, they have no accommodation, and they are considering, with a sense of dread, the possible implications of the timetable. Cut to:)
EDWIN'S ROOM - NIGHT
(Pitch darkness. After a pause:)
SHEPPARD: (Waking up) Uhh..? What's going on? Where is this? Hello?
(Slight pause, then an angry groan from EDWIN.)
EDWIN: Ggahhhh...
SHEPPARD: Edwin!? Erm.. now, don't do anything irrational..
EDWIN: RRGH!!
SHEPPARD: No.. stay back! No, Edwin! It was for your own good! Please!
EDWIN: DIE!
(Cut to outside view of house.)
SHEPPARD: AARRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!
(Her scream fades out, as the theme music plays and the closing credits roll up the screen. Fade to black.)
There. That's the end. You may be wondering what the hell I've been going on about. In that case, check out the League of Gentlemen sites from my links page. Most importantly of all, try to forget what you have seen here today.
(Characters mostly created by other people, with the exception of the driving instructor, the B&B woman, her son, Alan Vine, and the clothes shop woman, who are all creations of me. But feel free to plagiarise them in any case.)