LIQUID: Okay, so we want world domination, a billion bananas, and the fear of countless people from war-torn nations. What'll we do?

WOLF: Give 'em pie?

LIQUID: Naw, too bland.

MANTIS: Kill 'em all off?

LIQUID: But then we'd get the negative attention of dictators.

RAVEN: Grar!! Raven smash!!

LIQUID: Too "X-Men".

OCELOT: (brightly) I know! We could hold the world hostage using the ultimate nuclear weapon while trying to blackmail the Whitehouse into giving large sums of dough and a vaccine for a highly contagious and deadly virus! No one will be the wiser!

MANTIS: Get realistic here, man!

OCELOT: Right. Needs work.

LIQUID: We need an idea. A good idea. A good, fresh, and original idea…

WOLF: Hmm…we could try brain-washing?

LIQUID: Yeah, that's a start. How do we do it to people world wide?

WOLF: I dunno. What's something people are digging right now? Teen idols, music, television, Internet…

OCELOT: Nah, the WB channel got that.

WOLF: Maybe some sort of an evil corporate empire we can get involved in?

LIQUID: That's…that's BRILLIANT!

OCELOT: (muttering) I still like my idea better.

LIQUID: But who? And how?

WOLF: I've got it! Gentlemen, get a helicopter, a jar of mayo, a spoon, and set our destination to…Seattle, Washington…!

[We see RABID CHOCOBO, standing in the foreground. Behind her is seated SOLID JIM, RUFUS, and EDGE. They are hunched over a small desk drawing and scribbling, SOLID JIM being the main penciler.]

[RABID CHOCOBO holds a big wicked axe.]

RABID CHOCOBO: Ah, hello dear readers! I'm Rabid Chocobo, your neighborhood artist and not-so-friendly writer-slash-axe-murderer. But don't tell the FBI.

EDGE: Not to mention Tifa Lockhart-slash-Lara Croft-slash-Daria-slash-Ayame (Tenchu)-lookalike! Hoo ha!

RABID CHOCOBO: Shut up, perverted freak!

SOLID JIM: (looking up from his work) (speaking in an uninterested tone) I am Solid Jim. As you can see, we are miserable freelance comic book artists.

EDGE: The pay's not as good as the syndicate, but we're happy. For every 10,000 copies we sell, we get a shiny new quarter!

SOLID JIM: (pessimistically) Ain't that the life?

RUFUS: Our latest project is about a monkey wearing a hat, running around screaming "Beware of Sox Pie!!". Pretty ingenious, dontcha think, Edge?

EDGE: Quite. It's kind of based on our good friend Eskimo.

SOLID JIM: Hey, where is Eskimo?

RUFUS: Chocobo sent him to go buy some Chinese take-out, but I have a feeling that he's probably harassing the locals in the park by now.

RABID CHOCOBO: Shut up!! Get yer goddamn butts movin' on that goddamn book so we can catch up on the goddamn deadline!!

EVERYONE: Yes, ma'am!! (they scramble back to work)

RUFUS: Ugh. I'm a president, not a comic book artist.

SOLID JIM: You're just cranky 'cause you were forced to work here.

RUFUS: Shut up. They said it's good for the polls. Well, I &%^$'in screw the polls!!

EDGE: Settle, Rufus, settle.

YUD: I've done it! I've done it! Guess what I've done! I've invented a lightbulb that plugs to the sun…! Well, no not really, but it's a lot better though.

SOLID JIM: Been letting Yuddy into your Shel Silverstein books again?

RUFUS: Uh, no.

EDGE: Uh-oh. Another one of Yuddy's ill-famed inventions...better get the bandages.

YUD: Har har. You're a regular wise-ass, Edge. Ya know that? (reverts his attention back to the invention) This one is sure to work!

RABID CHOCOBO: Last time you said that, the toaster grew legs and I had to hack it to death with my axe.

SOLID JIM: (sarcastically; taking off his hat) Aye, it was a good toaster, it was. Never failed to make good toast...

RUFUS: Aye.

RABID CHOCOBO: Did I tell you two to get movin'?!

RABID CHOCOBO: So, what's the thing do?

YUD: It's a mini KJ-link. It's able to let us teleport ourselves into different worlds and zones. Careful, it's extremely powerful, and can take all of us with it, wherever it goes...

RABID CHOCOBO: Spiffy. So, like, I could go into some French kid's computer right now?

YUD: Maybe.

RABID CHOCOBO: Or like, say, Solid Jim's bathroom?

YUD: I wouldn't go that far, but yes. Of course, it hasn't been tested, so chances of it working correctly is...

RABID CHOCOBO: Fergetit. I don't wanna hear it. Let's just finish this book on time so we can get paid this month.

SOLID JIM: The book's finished pencilin', Cho'.

RABID CHOCOBO: Cool. Looks like we got the rest of the day to ourselves. Who wants to play that new game I got. "Metal Gear Solid" anybody?

RUFUS: Can't.

RABID CHOCOBO: Why not?

RUFUS: Mongoose is on it.

RABID CHOCOBO: What, that weirdo? He can't even talk! Just force him to get off.

RUFUS: Fine. Be my guest.

RABID CHOCOBO: Hey, 'Goose, get off the PlayStation. We wanna play.

MONGOOSE: ...

RABID CHOCOBO: Well? Are you gonna move your butt or do I have to do it?

MONGOOSE: ... ...

EDGE: Oh, I can't watch what's coming.

SOLID JIM: God rest the poor woman's soul...

RABID CHOCOBO: Okay, you asked for it, buddy. Either get up, or I'll make you!

MONGOOSE: ...grr...

MONGOOSE: ...grrr...

RABID CHOCOBO: (beats him on the head) Kya ha ha!! (thinks for a second) Crap, I sound like Rufus' ex-girlfriend Scarlet now. Damn.

ESKIMO: Hiya, fellahs. Sorry if I'm late, but I couldn't help but stop by the park to scare the resting retirees. Anyway, I got the food, and I --

EVERYONE: Look out!!

ESKIMO: (goes into another one of his 'fits') Ahh!! The end is near!!! Beware of the Sox Pie!! (ducks behind a desk)

YUD: Thank God they didn't get my KJ-link. I would've...

SOLID JIM: Damn, sucks to be you.

YUD: Crap.

SOLID JIM: Argh! My skin! I can't feel my freakin' skin!

EDGE: So...THIS is what death feels like...

RABID CHOCOBO: D-dammit, M-mongoose! I-if it h-hadn't b-b-been for y-you and that s-s-stupid h-hissy fit you threw...

MONGOOSE: ... ...?

RABID CHOCOBO: D-d-d-d-d-d-d...!!

RABID CHOCOBO: F-f-f-f-f-f...!!

RABID CHOCOBO: !!!

EDGE: P-people, if w-we're g-gonna k-keep a-alive, t-then we g-gotta s-stay w-w-warm.

RUFUS: H-how?! W-we're in t-the m-middle of nowhere!!

OLD GUY: What the hell are you kids doing out here?! Can't you see there's a freakin' snowstorm coming?! What're ya, stupid?! Get inside for the love of Christ!

OLD GUY: Now, kindly explain to me who you are, how you got here, and why you were outside.

SOLID JIM: Uh, we're comic book artists.

RUFUS: We got in a fight over a game.

EDGE: Rabid Chocobo and Mongoose started the fight.

RABID CHOCOBO: I conked him.

MONGOOSE: ...

RABID CHOCOBO: And now we're here.

OLD GUY: Ha ha! That's the damnedest load of bull I've ever heard!

OLD GUY: You know, I can very well have your head for trespassing on military boundaries...

EVERYONE: *gulp*

OLD GUY: ...But, if you do one little thing for us, we'll drop the matter.

RUFUS: That being...?

OLD GUY: You gotta stop a terrorist attack.

SOLID JIM: Alright, you got yerself a deal, old guy!

OLD GUY: Shut up, punk. You will address me as Colonel Campbell, got it?!

YUD: (jumping up; thinking about his invention) IT WORKED!!

RABID CHOCOBO: Hoo boy. There goes Mr. Ego.

EDGE: (turning to Campbell) Wait, don't you have professional spies for this?

CAMPBELL: Yes, but we are very short on money. Besides, your friend there is a hottie.

RABID CHOCOBO: WHAT?!!

CAMPBELL: What, can't take a compliment?!

RABID CHOCOBO: Why you... I outta…

CAMPBELL: Shut up. We'll provide all the gear and supplies you'll need. Take this and go get dressed.

SOLID JIM: So, Cho', what guns are you gettin'?

RABID CHOCOBO: My axe. And uh, a brick.

SOLID JIM: *shudders*

EDGE: I'm bringing a Desert Eagle.

RUFUS: That wicked thing?! You're gonna poke somebody's eye out with it!

EDGE: Gad, it's a gun. It's not like I'm gonna use 'em like scissors. ...Not that it's a bad idea...

ESKIMO: Heh heh...

RABID CHOCOBO: Hey, Eskimo, what're you bringing?

YUD: Eskimo's bringing along some bubblegum, rubberbands, a rubber chicken, a 'blankie', Kleenex, old comic books, a Game Boy, broken cell phone, blue Bic ink pens, a box of crayons, and some sticks of dynamite.

SOLID JIM: Er, right. What about you, Yud?

YUD: A Nikita launcher, Stingers, a .45 caliber, grenade launcher...

RABID CHOCOBO: Cool. I think we're all ready to go.

[CAMPBELL enters.]

CAMPBELL: Kids, I forgot to tell ya. You're getting some back up, just in case something goes wrong.

SOLID JIM: So who's coming.

NEVERMORE: Hi. Is this the Peanuts gallery?

CAMPBELL: Now, if you all will just head down to the briefing room down the hallway, we'll start the mission briefing.

CAMPBELL: As you can see, terrorists have taken control of Shadow Moses Island, and are threatening the White House.

EDGE: So? When ISN'T the White House threatened?

CAMPBELL: Shut up, kid, or I'll come over there and plant my foot in your mouth. Anyway, they are making some pretty far-out demands.

RUFUS: What, do they want some war legend's remains?

CAMPBELL: No, they want all PlayStations revoked and replaced with Nintendo 64s.

SOLID JIM: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-ooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

RUFUS: Good Lord, Jim, take a breath before you pass out!

SOLID JIM: (inhaling) EEEEeeee-HUUUUUUU-uuuuh...!!

CAMPBELL: Not only that, but they also want one more thing...

YUD: Oh boy, I can't wait to hear this one.

CAMPBELL: Actually, I don't really know. All I really understand is that it's bad. So go get 'im. You're first objective is to bust in un-noticed. Then you go rescue that wimp-ass DARPA chief. Then a lot of stuff happens in between. I don't know why, but it just sounds cool. Okay?

YUD: Haven't the foggiest.

CAMPBELL: Good. Then you're all off! Oh, by the way, we couldn't afford submarines, so you'll be going in via air postal.

OCELOT: You're as good as they come, Snake, but I'm just getting warmed up!

EDGE: No you're not!

OCELOT: What the hell?!

SNAKE: What the hell is going on here?

OCELOT: Gah, get off you heathen monkeys!

OCELOT: Argh!! (doubling over)

ESKIMO: (for no apparent reason) THE END IS NEAR!! BEWARE OF THE SOX PIE!!

OCELOT: Optic camo! We'll meet again!

RABID CHOCOBO: (to the figure) Who are you?

NINJA FIGURE: I am like you...I have no name.

EDGE: Freaky...

SNAKE: Who the hell are you?!

NEVERMORE: Colonel Campbell sent us here to stop a terrorist attack.

SNAKE: The hell?! I thought he sent me!

YUD: Correction. He sent us.

BAKER: Hello? Is anyone gonna listen to me?

NEVERMORE: Wait, wait...are you tellin' us that Campbell purposely set us up like this?

EDGE: Maybe he thinks Snake's not good enough to be on his own.

SNAKE: What?! I'm plenty good!

BAKER: Hullo? Please, somebody listen to me. I think I've got a heart attack coming on...

YUD: We should call him and find out.

RABID CHOCOBO: Yeah, but either way we're stuck here and we can't go anywhere.

SOLID JIM: Who cares?! Let's just stay here and go on a killin' spree! The guards are all idiots anyway, and you know how much I hate idiots!

SNAKE: Fine. But we can't move around in a big group like this. Let's break up. Yud, Edge, Solid Jim, and Mongoose - you head for the Nuclear Warhead Storage Building. Rabid Chocobo, Rufus, Eskimo, and Nevermore - you guys come with me.

ESKIMO: Hey, guys, what am I suppose to do with all this extra dynamite?

RABID CHOCOBO: I dunno. Toss it somewhere, I guess.

ESKIMO: (mishears) Light it? Okie dokie.

SNAKE: You stupid motherless lawnmowers! Get down!!

NEVERMORE: What the hell are you doing?! We coulda been killed!!

ESKIMO: Heh. I tend to mishear things...

SNAKE: (muttering) I didn't think Roy was that desperate...

LIQUID: Freeze, Gates. We have you surrounded. Any sudden moves and your mince meat! Nyah!

GATES: Ack! Whatever you want, I'll quadruple it!

WOLF: Who the hell are you?

DAVE: I am MG DAVE, but you may call me Dave. Gates, my tenth cousin, and I couldn't help but recognize you from FOX-HOUND. If I may, will you allow me to join you in your conquest for world domination?

OCELOT: ?

LIQUID: I'm confused.

WOLF: Sigh. Yes, you may. Hurry along now, we haven't much time.

SOLID JIM: Geez, lookit all the guards.

EDGE: How're we gonna get through?

YUD: Simple. See our friend Mongoose here?

SOLID JIM: What about Mongoose?

YUD: Well, let's just provoke him so that he can...*ahem* You know.

EDGE: Excellent plan!

EDGE: Yo' momma so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house!

SOLID JIM: Heh heh.

YUD: Ha ha.

MONGOOSE: ...?!

EDGE: Jazz music sucks! The only people who listen to jazz crap are the retarded wolf boys like you!

MONGOOSE: ...grr...

EDGE: Yo' momma so fat, whenever she turns around it's her birthday!

MONGOOSE: !!!

EDGE: You so ugly, I hear when your momma kisses you goodnight, she wears a paper bag 'round her head! AH HA HA HA HA HA!!!

GUARD #1: You! Freeze!

GUARD #2: Yeah!

EDGE: AAHHH!! I'm sorry! Your mother's the prettiest woman I know! Jazz music is cool! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!!! AHHHH!!

SOLID JIM: That, by far, ranks as the funniest thing I have ever witnessed.

YUD: BAH HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

EDGE: (muttering) Oh, shut yer hole.

SNAKE: Looks like those rubber bands came in handy.

GUARD: Argh! My frickin' eyeball!!

RABID CHOCOBO: Now's our chance!

SNAKE: This is almost fun.

NEVERMORE: I think we should take this more seriously, folks. I mean, what if some guards find us and hold us prisoners?

RABID CHOCOBO: Oh, don't be so such a killjoy.

GUARD: ACKTH!!

SNAKE: Ha ha! This is so cool!

RUFUS: Good shot!

NEVERMORE: There's the elevator. Let's just get in.

SNAKE: Not yet. Eskimo, you keep shooting them guards. I gotta call this Meryl chick.

RABID CHOCOBO: Meryl...?

SNAKE: Yeah. She's suppose to be Campbell's niece.

RABID CHOCOBO: Meryl...?

SNAKE: Yes, Meryl.

RABID CHOCOBO: Hmm. Alright, then. I'll jus' keep guard with Nevermore. (rolls eyes)

SNAKE: What was THAT?

RABID CHOCOBO: Grr...

NEVERMORE: Um, hey, Rufus. What's the matter with your girlfriend there?

RUFUS: WHAT?! She's not my girlfriend! God forbid it if she were!!

NEVERMORE: God, sorry! Anyway, what's with her?

RUFUS: She's probably having one of her moods again. PMS, or whatever.

NEVERMORE: Oh.

RUFUS: Yeah, I would too.

YUD: Hey, how come there's one less tank in here?

SOLID JIM: That's you all over, Yuddy. Always the observant one.

YUD: Well I can't help it if I'm a million times smarter than you.

SOLID JIM: What?! I'm plenty smarter than you, Mr. Wise-ass!

YUD: Oh yeah?! Who's the one who wears an ugly T-shirt that says 'Moron Inc.' on it to a party?!

SOLID JIM: At least I don't take my sandwich apart and eat everything separately like at grade A nimrod!

YUD: You tryin' to be tough, smart ass?! Least I don't recite British TV quotes in my underwear in front of the mirror!

SOLID JIM: Oh, really?! I'm not the one pretending my pillow is my girlfriend every night!

YUD: Oh, that does it!

EDGE: That's enough you two. More guards are gonna come if you keep on with this.

SOLID JIM: No they won't. Thanks to Mongoose, the whole floor is empty.

EDGE: Oh. But that's not the point! Let's just move, okay?!

SOLID JIM: We need a level 5 card to get in.

YUD: (sarcastically) Ooh...all hail the almighty and wisdomous Jim!

SOLID JIM: Why, thank you. It's nice to be acknowledged by lowly minded dunderhead such as yourself.

EDGE: Will you shut up?! We have to find a level 5 card somewhere!

YUD: Maybe Snake has it.

SNAKE: Hey, Meryl, I got a different line coming in here. Hold a sec, will ya babe? (he switches over to the second line) What?

YUD: You got a level 5 card?

SNAKE: No. Let me ask Meryl. (switches over to Meryl) Hey, you got a level 5 card?

MERYL: Yeah. I'll open the door for you.

SNAKE: She says she'll open it for us.

YUD: Cool. Well, bye now.

RABID CHOCOBO: Well, now that our friendly little chit chat is over, let's mosey on up to the Tank Hanger?

NEVERMORE: Finally!

RUFUS: Zzzz...

NEVERMORE: Hey, Rufus, get up.

RUFUS: ZZzzz...

NEVERMORE: WAKE UP!

RUFUS: Hey, ow! I'm up! I'm up!

RUFUS: What the hell was that?!

ESKIMO: My 'calling' card. All superheroes got it.

NEVERMORE: You're suppose to leave it there, not hit the poor man in the face.

ESKIMO: I know, but I'm short on cash, so I can only afford one chicken.

SNAKE: Sometimes you kids make even me wonder.

RABID CHOCOBO: Is everyone okay?

YUD: Well, yeah. If you don't count the already deceased guards.

MONGOOSE: ... ....

SNAKE: (scanning the corpse littered room and then whistling) Whoa. Your handiwork?

MONGOOSE: (nodding) .... ...

RABID CHOCOBO: *ahem* The door's not opened yet.

SNAKE: I guess I can call Meryl and ask her why.

YUD: Meryl? Who's Meryl?

RABID CHOCOBO: (thinking) My new mortal enemy. (out loud) No one.

SNAKE: She says we'll have to wait a few minutes before it can open.

NEVERMORE: So, what are our next mission objectives?

SNAKE: Rescue some scientist dude.

RUFUS: What're we gonna do with a nerd?

RABID CHOCOBO: What's wrong with nerds? I'm a nerd!

SOLID JIM: Ah, what makes you think you're a nerd?

RABID CHOCOBO: Champion chess player, head of the class in Biology, PlayStation fanatic, comic book artist...why, the list goes on and on! So what? I like bein' nerdy!

RUFUS: You don't look nerdy.

RABID CHOCOBO: What, these thick glasses don't make me nerdy?

RUFUS: Yeah, but your other...attributes don't.

RABID CHOCOBO: Such as?

RUFUS: Er, ah... *blush* ... I mean, that is, um... (looks away) HEY LOOK! THE DOOR IS OPENIN'!

SNAKE: Alright!

NEVERMORE: Why'd you hesitate to answer her?

RUFUS: What, and risk being clubbed to death? No, thank you.

SNAKE: What the &%^$% do you think you're doin', you #@$%& woman?!!

RABID CHOCOBO: This room is rigged with infrared sensors. Who knows what may go off if we trigger one.

SNAKE: Oh. How'd you know?

RABID CHOCOBO: It's in the script..

EDGE: The script?! What script?!

RABID CHOCOBO: Nothing. There is no script. You knew nothing. You heard nothing…

EDGE: I knew nothing…I heard nothing…

YUD: So anyway, didn't Meryl know this place was rigged?

SNAKE: Hell if I know. Let's just move.

NEVERMORE: How? Chances are that some clumsy ass will trigger a sensor.

EDGE: Hm. I have an idea. Hey, Eskimo -

ESKIMO: What?

EDGE: (suddenly) THE END IS COMING! SAILOR MOON LIVES! LARA CROFT FOR PRESIDENT!!

ESKIMO: NOOO-ooo!!!

SNAKE: Well that took care of that.

SOLID JIM: Coooool.

SNAKE: Damn. Sure is cold.

STRANGER: Do you like scary movies...?

SNAKE: The f-!

RUFUS: What happened?

SNAKE: I just got a weird codec call from someone outside this base!

SOLID JIM: Musta been a mis-dialing. Nothin' to worry 'bout.

ESKIMO: Ack! I don't wanna die! I've still got debts to pay, girls to meet, and elderlies to harass!

SNAKE: Shut up and take cover!

RAVEN: Snake's don't belong in Alaska. I will not let you pass.

SNAKE: Oh yeah?! Tattoo covered steroid addicts like you don't belong either, and that's not sayin' much!

RAVEN: (Hulk-like) Grar! Raven smash!

SNAKE: (dodging yet another attack) Whoa. Almost took my head off there.

RABID CHOCOBO: Snake! Do somethin'!

NEVERMORE: Use the grenades! The grenades, dammit!

SNAKE: I ain't got no frickin' grenades!

RUFUS: Hey, Yud, don't you got some grenades?!

YUD: Just a grenade launcher, but no grenades. All I got is some Nikitas, some Stingers, a German machine gun, and...

YUD: What?

EDGE: Gimme that!

SNAKE: &%^$#$@!#^&*^&$^%$&#@!@~@@#$~!~#@$#^%$ !!!!!!

RAVEN: Grr...Raven no feel good.

SNAKE: (gasping for breath) About... *gasp* ...damn ... *gasp* ...time!

RABID CHOCOBO: (mockingly) Poor baby.

SNAKE: Shut *gasp* up.

NEVERMORE: Come on. We'll never get anywhere if we stand around bickering.

SOLID JIM: (snickering) Heh heh. 'Bicker'. Heh.

NEVERMORE: Shut up, you retard!

SNAKE: Whadaya mean I can't use my weapons?!

NAOMI: Have you forgotten? That's where they store the excess nuclear material. (thinking) Actually, this is just another way for me to get rid of you faster. Mwa ha ha! No weapons means a dead Snake!!

SOLID JIM: Hey, no problem, chums! My guns still work!

NAOMI: WHAT?! Who's there? Snake, is someone working with you?!

SNAKE: Uh, yeah. A couple.

SNAKE: She must not be feeling well. Oh well. Jimmy, you lead the way then.

[The sneak their way around some tight corners, when finally they are on the catwalk, where the patroling guard is walking in front of the elevator.]

SOLID JIM: (lets out a barrage of missiles from a Stinger) Argh! Kiss my arse and die!!

SNAKE: That's pretty cool.

RUFUS: (in the manner of those "Little Rascals" kids) And how!

SOLID JIM: That guards are walking pretty fast.

YUD: He's gotta go to the bathroom pretty bad.

EDGE: So who's gonna take him out.

RABID CHOCOBO: No me. No way I'm going to a guy's room.

EDGE: I nominate Solid Snake.

SNAKE: I'm not doin' it! That’s jus' plain evil!

YUD: Snake, come on. You're the only one who knows how to strangle around here.

SOLID JIM: So go already!

SNAKE: (shaking his head) No way. I've got my dignity too, ya know.

RABID CHOCOBO: Pleeeeasssey?

SNAKE: Oh, don't give me that look!

RABID CHOCOBO: Please? Do it for me? Please?

SNAKE: No.

RABID CHOCOBO: Pretty please? With lots of nutra-sweet on top?

SNAKE: (losing will) ...no.

RABID CHOCOBO: It'll make me cry if you won't.

SNAKE: (defeated) Fine. I'll strangle him. But just this once. For you.

NEVERMORE: That was hilarious!

EDGE: Heh heh.

RABID CHOCOBO: (blushing slightly) Oh, shut yer freakin' hole! I only did it 'cause Nevermore made me!

SNAKE: There. He's dead.

YUD: Good. Then this place is cleared. Let's split up and look for loot!

EDGE: Let's head down, shall we?

SOLID JIM: (whistles) Will you look at it go.

YUD: If I'm not mistakened, that's a T87-Ku98 model number 24-7mC radar. It only reacts when a something or someone injected with the same nanomachines is nearby, or...

RUFUS: (muttering to EDGE) Nerd.

YUD: (continues) ...or when the owner's heart rate is going at an unbelievable pace.

RUFUS: That's crazy. Why would his heart rate be so fast? We haven't been moving a lot and the only female member around is 'Cho!

SNAKE: Well, I uh...ah, that is...

ESKIMO: (in a sing-song voice) Snake likes Cho'!

SNAKE: (fuming) HEY, SHUT UP!

RABID CHOCOBO: (hasn't paid a smidgen bit of attention to what's going on) (singing to herself) One hundred bottles of beer on the wall, one hundred bottles of beer. If one of those bottles happened to break on Jim's head, ninety-nine bottle of beer on the wall.

EDGE: (whispering to RUFUS) He's stealin' your woman, man.

RUFUS: For the last freakin' time! We aren't goin' out!! I've already got a girlfriend, and it's Elena!!

RUFUS: Oh, damn.

YUD: You Shinra folks don't think much, do ya.

RUFUS: Shut up.

NEVERMORE: Well, the what if someone injected with nanomachines is here? I mean, that scientist is injected with it, isn't he?

SOLID JIM: Of course! That could be why!

SNAKE: Yeah. ...uh, that's it. Heh.

YUD: Well then, let's go.

ESKIMO: (turning red) MMMmmpH!!! (translation: My lungs! My lungs are gonna blow!!)

SOLID JIM: (ditto) MMmmMmppH!! (translation: So this is what death feels like…)

SNAKE: (fires a Nikita missle and frantically guides it past the cameras) !!! (translation: &%^$@$#%^$&^%*&@$#^%&*!!!!)

SNAKE: I...hate...this...freakin'...job...

EDGE: Must...breathe...Lungs...collapsing...

YUD: Whoa. It looks like what Mongoose did earlier.

EDGE: Only less grotesque.

MONGOOSE: ... ....

RABID CHOCOBO: Hey, do ya hear somethin'?

SNAKE: Sounds like trouble.

SNAKE: Hey! There could be helpless people in there!

SOLID JIM: Since when did you care about people?

EDGE: Since he talked with that Meryl chick, I guess.

RABID CHOCOBO: No, duh.

NINJA: ... ....

MAN: (praying out loud) Oh, hell Jesus! Buddha! I love you all! (sobs)

SNAKE: Keep your hands off that man, I need him!

SOLID JIM: Is it just me, or did that not come out right?

EDGE: Matrix? Ghost Matrix, is that you?

RUFUS: Hey it is Matrix! Good ol' Matrix!

MATRIX: Yeah. It's me. (unmasks himself) I needed some money after that Pikachu crashed through my house.

SNAKE: Huh?

MATRIX: (looking at RABID CHOCOBO) Heh heh...Hi, RC.

RABID CHOCOBO: Hi. Long time no see.

MATRIX: Comic book art just isn't my life. I would much rather prefer long walks down scenic beaches, cavorting in grassy fields, jumping around blowing things up like Keanu Reeves, and especially eating dirt.

RABID CHOCOBO: …

RUFUS: Your mom stopped sending you money, didn't she.

MATRIX: (looking down, in a low tone) Yes.

EDGE: Weird.

MATRIX: (looking up hopefully at RABID CHOCOBO) So...you still wanna go out with me?

RABID CHOCOBO: I'm already goin' out with Reno of the Turks.

MATRIX: (feelings hurt) Fine! Be that way! See if I care!

RABID CHOCOBO: Um...I'll just go stand guard is anybody needs me.

SNAKE: You gonna get out or what?

MAN: Is it over?

RUFUS: Hurry up, you big doofus. I gotta go find me some soldier chick.

SNAKE: So you're the chief engineer?

MAN: That is correct. My name is Dr. James Broome, but folks call me Broomey.

NEVERMORE: I take is that you're in charge of the whole Metal Gear Rex predicament?

ESKIMO: Psst. Edge, what's 'predicament' mean?

EDGE: Shu' up.

BROOMEY: (answering NEVERMORE) Yes, unfortunately I am. So, what're your names?

BROOMEY: Hey...your sound very familiar. (a moment of recallection) Oh my God! You're the guys who do that comic book "Frothing Monkeys"! Holy crap, I'd never thought I'd meet you!

EDGE: A fan?

SOLID JIM: We have fans?

ESKIMO: THE END IS - !!

SNAKE: We're looking for a woman around here...

RABID CHOCOBO: (calling from her post) Speak for yourselves!

SNAKE: She's about yay tall, red hair, and walks kinda funny.

BROOMEY: She's upstairs. I saw her kickin' some poor Britsih dude's nuts in.

RUFUS: Ouch. I saw Elena do that to Heidegger once. The poor man was hospitalize for weeks.

NEVERMORE: So I guess that now you've figure out that you've been duped, used, and suckered, you'll be helping us blow up Rex?

BROOMEY: Sure, why the hell not. I could use a little action. Who's your team leader?

SNAKE: That would be me. I think I'll split us up and look for Meryl.

YUD: Can we get new groups?

SOLID JIM: Please?

SNAKE: Solid Jim, Eskimo, Nevermore, Mongoose, and Rufus will be one group. Yud, Edge, Rabid Chocobo, Broomey, and I will be another group. Okay, split up.

EDGE: Hmm…Rabid Chocobo with Solid Snake? Again?

YUD: (likewise) How very, very odd…

SNAKE: (threateningly) I said, "split up"… I'll go back up to the first floor and you guys backtrack back to the cells where I found her.

RABID CHOCOBO: Um, Broomey? Are you okay?

BROOMEY: (dreamy-eyed) *sigh* ... ...

YUD: Boy, she sure gets that a lot, huh.

EDGE: I'll say.

SNAKE: Well, that's 'cause she's cool. She's got brains, she's good lookin', and she's a mean fighter. I mean, if she were a little older, I'd probably marry her.

YUD: Snake, everybody knows that you're gonna marry the first girl with big tits and a good ass that comes along.

SNAKE: That's the half-truth!

EDGE: Riiiight.

RUFUS: How the hell are we suppose to find this chick?!!

SOLID JIM: She was first found here wasn't she? So she must be here!

JOHNNY SASAKI: (making coffee) Doo dee doo.

SOLID JIM: Freeze! …heh heh… I've always wanted to say that.

SASAKI: Ack! Don't shoot! (notices) Hey, you're jus' a couple of unarmed nerds. (points his machine gun at them) Now, you freeze!

NEVERMORE: Damn.

RUFUS: I don't think so, Ex-Lax boy! See this? (he holds up a remote control) With this, I can call to me hundreds of Shinra guards!

SOLID JIM: But we're in a different dimension, remember?

RUFUS: … (slaps his forehead) Aw, crap! Well, in that case, I'll just resort to operation "Save-My-Ass" number 2.

NEVERMORE: That being?

SASAKI: Aaaarrgh!!

DARK NATIONS: GraR!! (translation: Ugh. I hate the soldier ones. Tastes like tang.)

NEVERMORE: The hell?! Where'd that freaky lookin' cat come from?!

RUFUS: He's not "freaky". He's my kitty cat, and his name is Dark Nations.

SOLID JIM: You had a cat follow us around in the vent shaft the whole time?!!!

RUFUS: Sure, why not? He might come in handy.

RUFUS: (all mushy an' stuff) That's a good kitty!

SOLID JIM: Who's the slut?

RUFUS: Ack! Oh my God, it's Scarlet!! Help me!! She's gonna try to rape me again!!

ESKIMO: Ewwww….

SCARLET: Kya ha ha! I've got you now! Now I'll show you why it's painful to dump me for that bitch Elena! Kya ha ha!

RUFUS: (running away, flaying his arms about) That's 'cause Elena never tried to rape me every two minutes!!

SOLID JIM: This looks like something that belongs on the Fox Network.

NEVERMORE: I'll say.

SOLID JIM: Hey, Mongoose, do somethin'.

MONGOOSE: …. …. (translation: Naw.)

NEVERMORE: What's it gonna do to her?

RUFUS: He hates her, so let's hope for the worst.

SOLID JIM: This is getting boring. (to SCARLET) Hey, Scarlet!

SCARLET: Shut up! When I'm done with Rufus, you're next! Kya ha ha!

SOLID JIM: Er…right. Listen, uh, I know a place where's there're tons of cute guys…cuter than us…

NEVERMORE: Huh?!!

SOLID JIM: Yeah, uh…they're, uh…um, er… (thinks of SNAKE and the others) On level B1 of the Nuclear Warhead Storage building. Heh heh…

SCARLET: Hmmm…

RUFUS: (in tears) Help me! Why won't anybody help me?!! *sob*

SCARLET: Alright, I'll go. But if nobody's there, I'm coming back for you. Kya ha ha!

RUFUS: (in mid prayer) …who art in heaven, hallow be thy name…

NEVERMORE: It's okay, kid. She's gone.

SOLID JIM: I only pray that the others will be okay.

NEVERMORE: That was cruel of you, Jim.

SOLID JIM: (grins) I know.

EDGE: I swear, I just saw Meryl run in there!

YUD: Me too. Heh heh…she looks so cute when she walks.

RABID CHOCOBO: (thinking) Perverts.

SNAKE: So….who's gonna go in and get her?

RABID CHOCOBO: Me?

BROOMEY: Well, you're a girl. And last time I checked, only girls can go into girls' bathrooms.

RABID CHOCOBO: Fine.

SOLID JIM: Cold medicine? What's this laying around for?

EDGE: Diazepam.

YUD: That's muscle relaxants. It's used to…

EDGE: Shut up.

RABID CHOCOBO: You're Meryl, right?

MERYL: Yes. Yes I am.

EDGE: What do you think they're talking about in there?

YUD: Probably important matters, like the terrorist attack and the mysterious deaths of the chief and the prez.

SNAKE: Probably.

MERYL: And you are…?

SNAKE: (stuttering) Um, I'm…uh, Brian. No, Chis…Wait. Bartholomew?!

YUD: His name is Solid Snake, and he is very please to meet you.

EDGE: Um, out of curiosity, what does the girls' bathroom look like?

RABID CHOCOBO: (mockingly) You don't know? There are giant leather couches, big-screen TV, DVD player, giant speakers, top-secret game consoles yet to be released, an expensive European candy vending machine, an all you can eat buffet complete with salad bar, collector item's toys worth billions of dollars…you name it it's there.

MERYL: You think girls just go in there to tidy our make-up and change tampons?

YUD: (actually believing) Wow!

EDGE: Psst…what's a 'tampon'?

SNAKE: Haven't the foggiest.

MERYL: (slaps her forehead)

BROOMEY: Hey, guys! The bathroom's got soap!

EDGE: Whoa, no way!

YUD: Um, where should we go to now?

MERYL: If you want to go to the Communication Towers, head for the Commander's room.

EDGE: Has anyone noticed why there hasn't been any guards?

MERYL: Yeah, I know. Snake, keep your guards up, and follow me when your ready.

SNAKE: (drooling) ….

MERYL: And stop looking at me like that!

SNAKE: Geez, sorry!

RABID CHOCOBO: Men.

MERYL: I'll say.

SCARLET: Kya ha ha! They were right!

SNAKE: Who the hell?

SCARLET: Kya ha ha! Which one shall I choose first?

SCARLET: Kya ha ha! Come to me, you hunk o' hotness!

SNAKE: What the -- ?!

BROOMEY: Oh gross! She's gonna rape him!

EDGE: Don't just stand there! Run for it!

SNAKE: Aaahh!!

MERYL: Hey, get offa him, slut!

RABID CHOCOBO: Yeah!

SCARLET: Piss off, you hussies! I'm busy!

SNAKE: Argh! Why…won't…this…bitch…come…off?!!!

RABID CHOCOBO: (raising her rusted pipe) Don’t…you…call…me…a hussy!! EVER!! (repeatedly hits SCARLET with it)

MERYL: Die, you double-D skanky ho, die!!

SNAKE: God, watch it!

RUFUS: The hell?!

NEVERMORE: I told you it'd come out like this.

SNAKE: (caught in the middle of the catfight) Will you shut up and GET ME OUTTA HERE?!! This Scarlet bitch is tryin' to rape me!!

DARK NATIONS: Growl!! Grar!!! (translation: Why do my owner feed me such crap?)

SCARLET: Aaah! No, not that cat again! I'm out of MP!!

RUFUS: That's a good cat! Here, have a kitty treat!

DARK NATIONS: Gracías.

SOLID JIM: Huh?

RUFUS: Oh, it's just shock. He gets that usually after he attacks her. It'll go away soon.

MERYL: Aww…poor Snakey-poo. No one's gonna hurt you any more…

SNAKE: So cold…why is it so cold…

YUD: It's Alaska, Snake. It's cold everywhere.

RABID CHOCOBO: I found your shirt, your shoes, your bandanna, but only one sock.

BROOMEY: Heh. You fought really well back there, Ms. Chocobo.

RABID CHOCOBO: Thanks, Broom.

BROOMEY: Broomey.

RABID CHOCOBO: Whatever.

BROOMEY: Heh. *blush*

MERYL: (raspy) Come on Mr. Fox-hound. The commander is waiting…

NEVERMORE: Um…I don't like the sound of that.

SNAKE: Do you have any logical explanations for her behavior, Nevermore?

NEVERMORE: Er…

SOLID JIM: (brightly) PMS!

SOLID JIM: Well, it could be…

RABID CHOCOBO: Shut yer &%^$ hole.

MERYL: Ugh! (she pulls out her gun and aims it at SNAKE) Snake…

SNAKE: Yes, Meryl?

MERYL: …Snake, do you…like me?

SNAKE: Wha?

MERYL: Snake…make love to me…

SNAKE: WHA?!!

RABID CHOCOBO: What in the Lord's holy name is going on?!

ESKIMO: Aaah!! THE END IS COMING! BEWARE OF THE SOX PIE!!

PSYCHO MANTIS: Ha ha ha! Now I will show you why I am the most powerful practitioner of pychokenesis and telapathy in the WORLD!

SNAKE: Oh yeah? If you're so great, try to guess something about me!

MANTIS: How 'bout the fact that your bed-wetting didn't get better until 5^th grade…?

SNAKE: ….um…

MANTIS: Your last three girlfriends broke up with you 'cause they turned out to be lesbians?

SNAKE: …er…

SNAKE: Shut up! None of you heard that! You hear me?! NO ONE!

MANTIS: Enough of this contemptible child's play. Woman, kill him!

SNAKE: Ack! I can't hit a girl!

NEVERMORE: Oh for the love of hell… (he pops out from under the desk) Okay, tell me this then.

MANTIS: What?

NEVERMORE: If 12 monkeys played RPGs and 12 other monkeys played fighters and each monkey played a game for 10 hours straight, stopping only 1 hour breaks every 5 hours, then how many monkeys are playing games?

MANTIS: …

NEVERMORE: Ha ha ha! You don't know! Ha ha ha! And you'll never know! You'll never find out for thousands of years! Bwa ha ha!!! It's an answer that I'll take to my grave!! Ha ha ha!! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!

MANTIS: *sniffle*

MANTIS: Hey…waitaminnit!

MERYL: Ugh. What happened?

SNAKE: Psycho Mantis dove into your mind, then you called me "Mr. Fox-Hound", then you tried to kill me with your gun, and then you told me to make love to you.

MERYL: (breaking out in sobs) Oh, Snake, I didn't mean it! (she cries on his soldier) That is, unless you meant the "love" part…

SNAKE: Ah, I think I'll go now. Yeah. (hurries off)

EDGE: I guess we'll head for the Communications Towers now?

SNAKE: Yeah. Help me push this bookcase, will ya?

MERYL: Are those… *gulp* wolves?

SNAKE: (all professional like and the sort) Wolf dogs. Half wolf, half huskies.

MERYL: Ah. Hey, um, where are the others?

SNAKE: I dunno, but…

SNAKE: Hey there!

SNAKE: Good natured thing for a wolf dog.

MERYL: Snake…?

SNAKE: Aahh! The damn motherless bastard is humpin' my leg!

SNAKE: I don't feel well…

SOLID JIM: Um…Snake?

EDGE: Oh, gross.

SNAKE: SHUT UP!!!

MERYL: This place is mined. I'll take point again.

SOLID JIM: Ah, hello? Um, the radar's not working.

RUFUS: I have an idea. (very loudly) HEY!!! "THE MATRIX" SUCKS!! LONG LIVE "ALL MY CHILDREN"!! BARBIE DOLLS RULE!!

SQUALLID: Who said that?!!

RUFUS: Some guy across this mine field. Uh, he just ran away. I think.

RABID CHOCOBO: …

MERYL: It's in my hair!!

RUFUS: Are you girls impressed?

MERYL: Ew, gross! No! Ugh, this will never come off my clothes!

RABID CHOCOBO: I thought it was cool.

YUD: Phtt. What does he have that I don't?

RABID CHOCOBO: He's the head of an evil corporate empire. Women love evil men.

BROOMEY: (to himself) Crap. I'll never be evil enough for Miss Cho' to like me…

RABID CHOCOBO: What was that?

BROOMEY: Nothing! Heh…I didn't say anything!

MERYL: Aaaggh!!

SNAKE: Meryl!!

ESKIMO: ACK! BEWARE OF THE SOX P --

SOLID JIM: …

EDGE: (all loud and dramatic) EEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSKKKKKKKKKKKKIIIIIIMMMMMMOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RABID CHOCOBO: NOOO-ooooo!!!!!! I….I…I LOVED him..!!!

RABID CHOCOBO: Well, I'm only doin' what Konami tells me to do...

RUFUS: Hey, I get it. They pay you if you mention something commercial! *ahem* Pepsi.

RUFUS: Awesome!

YUD: Bud.

EDGE: Weis.

SOLID JIM: Er.

SNAKE: ^$%#!! Will you guys QUIT IT?!!

MERYL: Go on living and don't give up!

SNAKE: Damn, if only I had a sniper rifle…

YUD: Hmm…Moogoose! You and I… (all dramatic and the sort) …to the Armory!

MONGOOSE: … ….

WOLF: Ha! I got the little witch!

WOLF: What? What is it now?

MG DAVE: Our monitors are showing that Snake has friends with him. He won't be coming out for a while.

WOLF: Crap. So what do I do? Kill the woman?

MG DAVE: No, of course not. She's the colonel's niece, and Snake cares for her. Besides, she's a choice ass.

WOLF: (threateningly) Liquid…

LIQUID: Sorry. I forgot that you were our "little feminist".

WOLF: You're a little dainty to be a girl yerself.

LIQUID: SHUT UP! Oh, now look what you made me do! I broke a nail!

WOLF: Get use to it.

LIQUID: I'll just send you some support to take care of the others. Nyah!

MG DAVE: One of these days…I'm gonna sock 'im.

WOLF: I want a raise.

MONTHORP: Howdy, ma'am.

WOLF: Huh? I didn't know we had another sniper.

MONTHORP: I ain't no fancy sunavagun snahper..

WOLF: What the hell?!

MONTHORP: Ah tink Konahmi tis on a taht budget. (he spits)

WOLF: Yeah, yeah, yeah…look, just run down there and take those guys out, okay?

MONTHORP: All o' dem city slickers varmints?

WOLF: Yes, all of them.

MONTHORP: Even da girlie?

WOLF: Yep.

MONTHORP: Whatever ya say ma'am.

MONTHORP: I is be takin' ya'all down to da Miss, ya'll hear me now? (spits) (he looks at RABID CHOCOBO) Howdy there, little lady. Sure is hotter than a whore's ass t'day, ain't it? I'd reckon your daddy is been a thief? 'Cause he stole dem twinkly stars an' put dem into yo' pretty black eyes dere. (spits)

RABID CHOCOBO: &%#$!! Inbread bastard!!

YUD: By the Gods, his ancestry of inbreded relatives have completely numb his senses!!

NEVERMORE: We're in a pickle here.

SOLID JIM: What's with the redneck?

SNAKE: Will somebody please think of Meryl?!

MONTHORP: Dat's it, ya'll city slickin' boogers! Big ol' Uncle Monthorp's gonna teach ya'll a lesson er two! Yee-haw!

EDGE: No! He's…too…powerful…!

RUFUS: Argh! His hillbilly stick of doom is crushing my vitality! I…don't think…I can hold…on…

MONTHORP: Yee-haw! Tis' mo fun dan marryin' mah fifth wife, 12-year-old sister Betsy!

SNAKE: You inbred…hick. I won't…give…in…

MONTHORP: Ha. Dat was easy. Now ah is be goin' back to Miss Wolfie now, ya'all hear?

WOLF: Excellent. Guards, take them away and lock them up. I think Liquid wants the tall one.

GUARD: Who doesn't he want?

WOLF: Whatever. Good work, Monthorp. Where is the female?

MONTHORP: She kicked me in da nuts, so ah knocked 'er unconscious. Darned rabble-rouser tried to skewer mah 'ead wit a rusty twig o' 'ers.

WOLF: Sigh. Oh well. As soon as those two come around, I'll take care of them. Monthorp, report to Liquid.

MONTHORP: Ah will, Ms. Wolfie. Then ah is gonna get some snifter cans a-poppin'. Dat'll warm me down some. (spits)

WOLF: Ugh, first British pansies and now American redneck hicks. I so need a life that doesn't rotate around zero-wits. Maybe that Sephiroth guy is single. (MONTHORP spits again) …And quit spitting before I bash all your remaining teeth in, dammit!

YUD: Easy…easy…just a little more…

MONGOOSE: …ugh… …

YUD: Don't touch the beams now…easy…easy…

YUD: YES!!

MONGOOSE: … … …

YUD: Yeah, I know.

MONGOOSE: …… …

YUD: I agree. So let's be quiet now.

MONGOOSE: … …. ……

YUD: Yeah, she is a hottie, ain't she? Too bad she likes that Rufus guy.

MONGOOSE: …?

YUD: Whattaya mean they were never goin' out?!

MONGOOSE: …

YUD: You mean she never had a boyfriend?

MONGOOSE: (shaking head) (retelling a story about her past dates) …. ….

YUD: Oh, poor guy. God rest their soul. Now let's give that gun a try.

GUARD: The hell?!

YUD: I've always wanted to hum that song.

GUARD: (shoving) Get in there and stay in there!

RABID CHOCOBO: (resisting) You commie bastards!! I'll kill ya!!

RABID CHOCOBO: (pulling on the bars) Urgh!! *pant, pant* Looks like we're not getting out for a while.

BROOMEY: …Do you think we'll ever be more than just friends…?

RABID CHOCOBO: (annoyed) Not the time for that type of discussion, Broomey.

SOLID JIM: Eww. These toilets are freakin' filthy. How the bloody hell am I suppose to survive in here?!

EDGE: Oh, shut the hell up. …And when did you say "bloody hell"?!

SOLID JIM: Yeah…when did I…?

EDGE: Sigh…

RUFUS: I wish I could talk to Elena right now.

NEVERMORE: I need a shot of whiskey. Or something high in alcohol.

RUFUS: Do you think my PHS would work in here?

NEVERMORE: PH-what? I don't know, but you can give it a try.

RUFUS: (dialing his PHS) Hello, Shinra HQ? This is the President. Yes, me again. No, Cid did not spike my coffee with Ex-Lax again. That bloody arse. I'll get him someday… Uh, anyway, please hook me up with the TURKS. And make it snappy, or I'll cut your paycheck by 15%! (waits a moment while some annoying "muzak" plays in the background) Grr… I told them to switch the radio station over to New Rock/Alternative. Oh, hi, Reeves. Yeah, it's me, Rufus. Listen, I got a problem. I told you, Cid did NOT spike my freakin' coffee with freakin' Ex-Lax! No, Vincent didn't put his red cape in with my white laundry either. Like I said, I got a problem. That's the thing, I don't know where I am. Alaska of some sort, on some island.

NEVERMORE: Shadow Moses.

RUFUS: Shadow Moses. Anywho, me and my associates are locked up and our chances of ever bustin' out are slim. So send those TURKS over, post haste! Yeah, whatever. Tell Elena and Rude to stay outta my room and my stuff, too. Bye.

NEVERMORE: What are TURKS?

RUFUS: They're kinda like my personal agents and they dress like the guys on X-Files, 'cept blue. Don't worry, we're in good hands… I hope.

Part 10

OCELOT: Now we're gonna make you talk, Solid Snake.

SNAKE: About what? I'm just a grunt, remember? I don't know diddly-squat!

OCELOT: Oh yes you do. How does that optic disk work?! I hear there's secret.

SNAKE: Do I look intelligent enough to answer that? No.

OCELOT: Fine, I'll just have to get out answers the hard way…

OCELOT: The hell?!

SNAKE: … *yawn* …

OCELOT: (pushes a few more buttons) What the %^#$ is with this thing?!!

SNAKE: … …

OCELOT: STUPID PIECE OF MONKEY CRAP!!! Liquid!! Raven!! I told you guys not to play that %#$@'in Tekken 3 on this thing! Now the battery doesn't bloody work and the freakin' motor's burned out!! (he stands there and curses some more) Ah, the hell with it. Just pummel the piss outta him with your gun, Wolf.

WOLF: Aye aye.

RABID CHOCOBO: *yawn*

BROOMEY: And that's why I started my career in science in the first place. Pretty dramatic, huh. Uh, Ms. Chocobo?

RABID CHOCOBO: *snore*

BROOMEY: Sigh…

NEVERMORE: It's been an entire bloody hour. When are these "professional" TURKS coming?

RUFUS: Probably out drinking again.

NEVERMORE: What the hell? How'd a storm get in here?!

RENO: Well, well, well…if it ain't poor little Rufy.

RUFUS: Shut your trap, punkass. Or I'm gonna cut your salary 20%.

RENO: Eep.

NEVERMORE: I take it you're the TURKS?

RENO: If you mean by "Men in Blue".

RUDE: (drunk) Ughr…*hic* I don'tsh feelsh goodth…*hic*

ELENA: Then yes.

NEVERMORE: What's with all that zapping noise?

ELENA: It's materia. We use it in addition to weapons.

RUFUS: Enough chatting, and let's get the others out.

RABID CHOCOBO: You took your time.

RENO: I know.

RABID CHOCOBO: Reno?!

RABID CHOCOBO: Bunny?!

[They quickly embrace, kissing each other madly.]

BROOMEY: (silently fuming) Grr…

SOLID JIM: Howdy-do, folks. Are we all together?

BROOMEY: (pointing at the smooching couple) They are.

SOLID JIM: What…

EDGE: The…

YUD: &^$%!!!!

SOLID JIM: &^$^#$!!! None of you guys touch 'er!!

BROOMEY: I love her!!

YUD: She don't deserve you, Turk-boy!!

RENO: Gah, help me!!!

RABID CHOCOBO: Okay, that's enough of that! Me an' Reno are goin' out and none of you can do *&%& anything 'bout it!!

SOLID JIM: So *ahem* where's Snake?

NEVERMORE: Captured.

SOLID JIM: Then let's look for him.

ELENA: Reno and I have cleared the entire floor.

RENO: (whining) I hurt…

ELENA: Shut up!

RUDE: (drunk) (holding a bottle cleverly - but poorly - concealed in a paper bag) *hic* Thish… *hic* ….thish is good beerth… *hic*

RUFUS: (slaps his forehead) I pay you people for this?!

EDGE: I think we've spent enough time talking. Let's go.

SOLID JIM: I agree. (flicks his middle finger out at RENO behind his back)

RUFUS: Thanks for going through the trouble of clearing out everything.

ELENA: Glad to help. We need to go back home now.

RENO: I can't feel my legs...

MONGOOSE: …… …….., ….! ……… … …….. ……….., …………., …..! …… ……,……. ,…"……."…. ………… !

SOLID JIM: So it's me, Rabid Chocobo, Edge, and you. And the other is Broomey, Nevemore, Rufus, and Yud. Okay, cool.

YUD: Superb planning, Mongoose.

MONGOOSE: …. ….. …

SOLID JIM: What's wrong with him?

YUD: I think he's got the common cold.

RUFUS: Sure looks a lot like the guy from before.

NEVERMORE: Huh? I thought your cat ate him.

RUFUS: Nah. He got away.

RABID CHOCOBO: How're we gonna take 'im out?

EDGE: We can't just walk up to him and shoot him. That'd alert others.

RABID CHOCOBO: What the hell?! Where's Broomey?

SOLID JIM: There he is! What a guy, he beat up the guard and let Snake out!

EDGE: How'd you do it?

BROOMEY: I kinda forgot I had optic camo. But, I got Snake out.

YUD: Damn, you look like hell.

SNAKE: That's because I was scheduled to be torchured. Turned out the machine broke, so Ocelot had Wolf beat the living shit outta me. Then, the second time around, the machine worked so I got torchured. After that, that Sasaki bastard sneezed on me, so I think I have the cold. So I sat in my cell, aching, lonely, cold, hungry, and with this rotting thing.

NEVERMORE: Here're your stuff. Get dressed and let's go.

SNAKE: Grr...

SNAKE: Huh?

EDGE: Look out!! It's a bomb!!

SNAKE: Ack!!

SNAKE: That was close.

YUD: Cooool.

RABID CHOCOBO: That was brave of you, Broomey.

BROOMEY: Heh. Yeah, thanks, Ms. Chocobo.

RABID CHOCOBO: Just call me 'Cho.

SNAKE: Ah…ah…ah-CHOO!! *sniffle*

SOLID JIM: Aw…is ums oos got the snifoos?

SNAKE: Shut up. Achoo!

YUD: You need cold medicine.

NEVERMORE: Wow. You're bright.

RUFUS: Call that Naomi chick for some advise. I think she'll help you.

NAOMI: What, you damn bastard?

YUD: Snake has a cold. You got any advise for now?

NAOMI: Try throwing yourself in front of a security camera, then go and drown yourself in ice water.

SNAKE: ….um, maybe later.

SOLID JIM: Here's some cold medicine I found earlier.

SOLID JIM: The bloody f*ck?!

RUFUS: This is odd. We're suppose to be in Metal Gear Solid.

NEVERMORE: Will somebody read their *^&% script?!! (sees a lone bottle of whiskey; he swipes it and shoves it into his pocket)

EDGE: Where's Rabid Chocobo..?

MOM: (in a sweet little-old-lady voice) Good evening, dearies. None you won't recognize me. And that's fine, dears. I am simply Davey-poo's mommy.

MOM: The authoress is taking a little break right now, so she asked me to fill in for her. The sweet little dear! (another sip; she looks off into someplace distant) Yes…little David was such an extraordinary child…I'm sure none of you would like to hear some of his baby stories, but…the hell with it. I'm in charge.

MOM: (shows a picture of baby SNAKE, naked) This is a cute little pic of Davie after birth. The nurses left him without a blanket for so long I thought he'd be in his birthday suit forever! *laughs* This is a picture of him being repeatedly trampled on into a pulp down at the Academy. And this is another cute little picie of him after he got beat up by first grade girls when he was six!

RUFUS: *snicker* Oh man, if only 'Cho was here…*cough* *snort*

SNAKE: Mommy…er, I mean, Mom? Whattaya doin' here? What're you guys starin' at?!

MOM: Oh, nothing. It's been seven years since you last visited, and I thought I might drop by unexpectedly. Just showing some of our nice little readers a few of those dear little pictures of you when you were a boy.

SNAKE: Geez, Ma, you didn't have to. What'd you show them?

MOM: Just the first two pages, or so…

SOLID JIM: HA HA HA!!! *snort, cough* HA HAH HA!!!!!

SNAKE: …….. …..

MOM: (sweetly) (waving) Bye-bye, now! And don't forget to visit your mother! …..or else.

MG DAVE: Did the guards get them?

WOLF: 'Fraid not. Some guy turned into a werewolf and killed 'em all.

MG DAVE: Oh. Did Liquid get them in his Hind D?

WOLF: No. A guy wearing glasses and a T-Shirt saying "Moron Inc." blew it up with a barrage of Stingers.

MG DAVE: Damn bloody hell. Where are they headed now?

WOLF: To the snowfield.

MG DAVE: Hmm…send Scarlet there.

WOLF: But she's dead?

MG DAVE: Then send a clone.

SCARLET: Kya ha ha!! Where're those hunks? (runs out the door and heads for the snowfield)

MG DAVE: I've got to go take care of a little business. You stay here and keep watch.

WOLF: Aye aye, Commander.

SNAKE: Sure is cold.

RABID CHOCOBO: (shivering) ….

BROOMEY: Here, 'Cho, you can have my coat.

RABID CHOCOBO: T-thanks, Br-broomey…

NEVERMORE: If we head north, we'll be inside.

SCARLET: Kya ha ha!!

RUFUS: NO!! OH, GOD NO!!!!

SOLID JIM: SHE'S BACK!!!

SCARLET: I'm back, Jimmy! Bleah, bleah! Back from the dead!!

YUD: AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RABID CHOCOBO: (thinking) *sigh* Time for another round of stomp-ass.

SCARLET: Kya ha ha! C'mere, Jimmy!! I said I was coming back for you!!!

SOLID JIM: (cursing in ten different languages) %$&$&*^(*&(&)(^$#!@@!###^%$^%@#$#^%%&*(*^^#$$#@#@^$%^$^$#^$&%*^(&(*&&%#@%#@^$&^)(Y*^&$@$#@%#^%$@#RETYR*%*^*&^*&OUY(*&**(^$%#%@R%)@@~!#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YUD: Can anyone actually cuss like that?

MONGOOSE: ….. ….. … ………. ..

YUD: I agree.

SOLID JIM: So….cold…

RABID CHOCOBO: (staring) …. … …

SOLID JIM: Shut up!!!!!

EDGE: (inspecting SCARLET'S body) The hell?!

YUD: Just as I expected. The life span of a clone is extremely short.

SNAKE: Clone?! You mean, THERE'S MORE?!!!

YUD: Possibly.

EVERYONE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RABID CHOCOBO: Mom was right…I shoulda been a doctor.

YUD: Hey, um, guys…?
SNAKE: (ignoring him) Ick. That bitch gives me the creeps.

RABID CHOCOBO: Who can blame ya?

YUD: Guys…

SOLID JIM: What?

YUD: Something's weird in my KJ-link.

SOLID JIM: What isn't weird with you?

YUD: %&$#@ freak….

SOLID JIM: What was that?

YUD: Nothin'! I didn't say nothin'!

SNAKE: What the hell is wrong with you guys over there?!

NEVERMORE: Yuddy and Jim…always the in conflict with each other. Gah, the hell with it all. I need a &%^$ drink!! (pulls out the whiskey bottle he swiped earlier and takes a shot)

SNAKE: Sweet! You smuggled in alcohol! (grabs it and takes a shot)

NEVERMORE: (getting drunk) Urp.

SOLID JIM: That's it. I'm sick of you messin' around with all that crap of yours. Gimme that, we're on a mission here!

YUD: Get your hands away from it, you &^$%# reject!

RABID CHOCOBO: …huh?

SOLID JIM: HOME!!

YUD: SANCTUARY!!

MONGOOSE: …!! !!!! !!! (joins in)

RUFUS: I'll never complain about the polls again! NEVER!! Hell, send 7,000 gil to 'em!

BROOMEY: So this is the office of a comic book studio…

EDGE: You want a job? You're hired. Go get me coffee.

RUFUS: (thinking) You all over, Edge…slave jockey.

RABID CHOCOBO: (takes a seat at her editor's desk) Ah, to be in the sweet, sweet control chair of supremacy. (phone rings) Y'ello? (surprised) RENO?! …er, I mean, Reno? Hi, sweetie. How're are ya? (all sweetly) I'm fine.

YUD: (muttering) *^%@$@#…

BROOMEY: (muttering) *^&%#$@!$$%#!!$#$^#….

SOLID JIM: (downright bursting it out) !@#$^%&*)*&*&$!%~!@%%# $$^^&*(%#!@#@!(*^*%^ *%*$#^#@$!$#@!saast$Q%#^%*$^$SDg&$&$!@eq4@!#^$ @$%#$^%#^%^* !$!@$U*GNFDGH^E*$#!@#~!#!$$%#$^ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOLID JIM: Well, he is.

RABID CHOCOBO: All right. It's a date. Pick me up at 7 PM sharp. Bye-bye! I wuv you too! (hangs up) (noticing the stares and silent fuming) @#%$!! Git back to work!! (throws that same brick earlier)

SOLID JIM: Yah!!

RUFUS: A date with Reno? Are you gonna kill him like what you did to the other guys?

RABID CHOCOBO: Whattaya mean "other" guys?

RUFUS: We know you killed 'em. The authorities jus' didn't find the bodies yet, so that why you ain't in jail.

RABID CHOCOBO: You wanna get fired? Then get back to work. I gotta go get dressed. (leaves)

BROOMEY: Why do you think someone as beautiful as Ms. Chocobo gotta go on a date with a scrub like Reno?

SOLID JIM: I don't know. But what I DO know, is that this is war…and we've got friends in high places…

Part 15

RENO: You're Solid Jim, eh?

SOLID JIM: Listen, you Shinra pest. (shoves him violently into the wall) It's James to you. You so much as lay a HAND on Chokie --

YUD: I'm gonna get the gas!

SOLID JIM: -- and I'll --

RABID CHOCOBO: Jim!! What the $%@# are you doin' to Reno?!!

SOLID JIM: (suddenly innocent) Me?

RABID CHOCOBO: C'mon, Reno.

RABID CHOCOBO: Sorry if Jimmy was a little rough on you. He gets overprotective of me sometimes. One time, when one of my past dates dropped me off at home, he and Yuddy jumped down from some trees, attacked him in his car, and made the poor man eat his own socks.

RABID CHOCOBO: Well, let's go!

RENO: …yeah.

SOLID JIM: Yuddy, you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

YUDDY: Does it include axes, guns, gasoline, flames, and other objects of destruction?

SOLID JIM: (nods)

YUDDY: Yep.

SOLID JIM: Ha ha ha!! Untrustworthy and EVIL!!

YUD: %#$@* right!!!

LEO: Please watch the language!

YUD: Shu'up, foo'!!

SOLID JIM: No more updates now, huh.

YUD: So who else is gonna help us with the mission?

SOLID JIM: Let's call this number I found in the yellow pages. (dials on the phone) Hello, I'd like to hire two of your most inexpensive assasins. Yes, they'll do. Thanks. (hangs up)

YUD: So who'll it be?

SOLID JIM: No clue.

SOLID JIM: Dammit, now the landlady wilr l know there are more than four people living here!!

YUD: Hey, didn't you die a while ago?

SQUALLID: I dunno.

SOLID JIM: (Mr. Burns-like) Excellent. Ah, anyway, what can you two do?

SERPENT: We're trained at being annoying…

SQUALLID: Grouchy.

SERPENT: Spiteful.

SQUALLID: Arrogant.

SERPENT: Immature.

SQUALLID: And egotistical.

SOLID JIM: Any specialties?

SERPENT: I can fit my fist in my mouth! (sticks it into his mouth and tries to get it out) ……… (it won't come out) Ah dawmut.

SQUALLID: And I can ride my kayak on solid ground and down the middle of the interstate!

YUD: Um, cool.

SERPENT: Ah cahnt geh mah fehst ouhtta mah muth.

SOLID JIM: Right. You do that.

SERPENT: … … …

BROOMEY: Hey! I'm coming with you!

YUD: You? Why?

BROOMEY: Well, I think it's my duty to protect the one woman I lo --

BROOMEY: (blushing) Ah, that is…uhm…I, uh…

SOLID JIM: Riiiight.

YUD: Anybody else wanna help?

NEVERMORE: I think my wisdom can elighten you somehow.

SOLID JIM: Yer in. Anyone else?

SOLID JIM: *sigh*

NEVERMORE: What restaurant are they going to?

YUD: The "Chateau de Food'e". I have the map.

NEVERMORE: That's not exactly French.

YUD: (shrugs)

SOLID JIM: Okay. (spreads the map out on the table) We'll go through the vent shaft. Serpent, Nevermore -- you two head for the kitchen and take out any suspected chefs with fake European accents. Squallid and Yud, you guys head for the ballroom. Remember, blend in to your surroundings. Dress impress. Broomey, you go into the ventilation shaft and smoke everyone out of the vacinity at my signal. I will sneak in and take out the waitor. I will then disguise myself in his clothes and then keep a more watchful eye on the two lovebirds. Got it?

YUD: Yep.

NEVERMORE: Understood.

SQUALLID: (suddenly loosing his conciousness) The bees…the bees…aaahhhh……

SERPENT: Ah stihll cahnt geh mah hahnd ouhtta mah muhth.

SOLID JIM: Serpent! Why the hell do you have your hand in your mouth!?

SERPENT: Ah've beehn trahying tah tehl yu.

YUD: Why didn’t you try to tell us?!

SERPENT: *sigh*

SOLID JIM: Yud, help him out.

YUD: Wait! I wanna try my new invention on him.

YUD: Hold still, now.

SERPENT: AAAAGGHGGGHHH!!! (immediately yanks his fist out of his mouth and runs off screaming)

YUD: What's eating him?

SOLID JIM: (shrugs)

Part 16

RABID CHOCOBO: Reno, I hate fancy restaurants. I hate dressing up, using table manners, and not allowed to speak like a frickin' barbarian.

RENO: Well, the drinks are nice.

RABID CHOCOBO: Dammit, Reno, why couldn't you have just taken to a Burger King, or some other %#$@ up crap?!

RABID CHOCOBO: I'm going to the lady's room.

YUD: This is the Nam Wonder calling British Glue. Do you read me? Over.

SOLID JIM: For the last bloody time, we don't need any codenames.

SQUALLID: Do not question the codenames!

SOLID JIM: Why you stinkin' little…

SERPENT: His codename is American Afro-boy, okay? And mine is Zippy.

BROOMEY: Mine is Bubo.

NEVERMORE: Nevermore is my codename. Eh, what the hell. Call me Al CoHolic.

SOLID JIM: But why is mine British Glue?

YUD: (shrugs) Uh-oh! She's headed out way! Split up!!

RABID CHOCOBO: Hmm. I coulda sworn I heard some familiar voices.

MEI LING: (in her high-pitched sweet accent) Oh, hello, Rabid!

RABID CHOCOBO: *mutter, mutter*

MEI LING: I never would've thought that I might run into you in the lady's room!

RABID CHOCOBO: *grumble, mutter*

MEI LING: Now now, don't be so boyish. Speak up and be like a lady.

RABID CHOCOBO: Ah, go blow yerself over, &%^$.

MEI LING: My, my. Being a tad touchy, aren't we? So, what brings you here? I thought you were a tomboy.

RABID CHOCOBO: I'm on a date with Reno.

MEI LING: Reno? From Shinra? Isn't he a little…old for you?

RABID CHOCOBO: He's two years older. Hey, isn't Snake a little old for you too?

MEI LING: Ha ha ha! You're so funny, I could just die!

RABID CHOCOBO: What'd I say? Did I make a joke? (thinking: Dizy whacko.)

MEI LING: I remember my first date! I asked him out before he could ask me, and I took him to my community church!

RABID CHOCOBO: You took your boyfriend out to CHURCH?! What kind of weirdo are you?!

MEI LING: Excuse me?

RABID CHOCOBO: Fergetit. It's probably like a wind tunnel in your so-called noodle anyway.

MEI LING: HOW DARE YOU!!

RABID CHOCOBO: (holding MEI LING'S hand, only a mere few inches from her face) Heh heh…you can't smack your own ass with that kind of slap. (twists MEI LING'S arm around her back) Say it!! Say your ^$%#'in sorry or I'll BREAK IT OFF!!

MEI LING: (squealing like a little girl) EEEeeek!! I'm sorry!! I'm sorry!!

RABID CHOCOBO: And I just came in here to take a damn piss.

Part 17

SOLID JIM: (thinking) Baby, I'm good.

CHEF: (bad European accent) What the --?! Excuse moi, missouire, but you cannot come in here! Get out, before I club you to death with ma ladel.

SERPENT: Yarg!! Die, terrorist scum!!

NEVERMORE: Dammit, Serpent! What the hell was that?!

SERPENT: I DON'T KNOW!!!

NEVERMORE: *sigh*

YUD: Any signs of them yet?

SQUALLID: Nope.

YUD: Well, keep your eyes peeled. They're bound to be in here sooner or later.

RINOA: Hey, you're the cutest guy in here.

YUD: Huh?

RINOA: *giggles stupidly* (thinking) Yes! He's falling for my pick-up line! (out loud) Wanna dance?

YUD: No. I have important business to attend to.

RINOA: Come on! I'm not gonna be the only one without a partner on the dance floor!

YUD: (thrashes) Gah! Let go, woman!

RINOA: PPPPPPPPPlllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssseeeeeeeeeeee????? I LOVE you SO much!! Tee hee!

YUD: ˆÐ mÁ m¶i!! (Vietnamese for "Motherf*cker")

RINOA: I looooove you sooooo much!

RENO: So do you like your work?

RABID CHOCOBO: The pay is pitiful, but it's as close as I get to inserting subliminal messages.

RENO: I bet it's hell living with those guys.

RABID CHOCOBO: Especially when I have to do the laundry. For some reason, Yuddy sends his pillow cases through a lot more than everyone else does. I wonder why.

SOLID JIM: (thinking) Yeah, I wonder.

NEVERMORE: How's your fist?

SERPENT: It hurts.

NEVERMORE: Well if it wasn't for his fake teeth, it probably would've never come out. Come one, we've got work to do.

SERPENT: Like what? Jim didn't tell us to do anything else. I mean, we've cleared out the entire kitchen.

NEVERMORE: Well I --

SOLID JIM: (suddenly comes in) HEY!! CHO' AND RENO ARE BEGINNING TO SUSPECT SOMETHING!! I suggest you guys scrounge up some food so I can bring it to them!!

NEVERMORE: Yeah, well -- Hey… I got an idea…

RENO: 'Bout damn time. I'm starve. Hey, aren't you gonna eat?

RABID CHOCOBO: *sigh* Nah. I'm not hungry.

RENO: Awright, more for me!

RABID CHOCOBO: (thinking) Pig.

BROOMEY: What's taking Jim? I hope he's okay…

YUD: Argh, the circulation to my legs…they…they've been CUT OFF.

SQUALLID: We've tried everything. She's like a &%^$'in leech.

RINOA: I loooove you, Mr. Yuddy!!

YUD: (swears in Vietnamese)

RINOA: That's soooo romantic!! (squeezes him tighter)

SQUALLID: Jim would NEVER let you live this down.

YUD: Shaddup.

RENO: Hey, uh, Chokie…ah, why don't you go out to the ballroom? I'll come…uh, soon. I gotta go to the, ah, bathroom…

RABID CHOCOBO: (getting up) Yeah, whatever.

RABID CHOCOBO: Keep starin' like that and I'll force you to squat over a flamethrower.

???: S'cuse me, ma'am. I couldn't help but notice you…

RABID CHOCOBO: You like flames or something?

???: Actually, I kind of recognize you from your comic book "Sox Monkey".

RABID CHOCOBO: Whattaya want?

???: Care to dance?

RABID CHOCOBO: What's yer name?

???: Loony.

RABID CHOCOBO: Awright, but you gotta keep up.

RENO: Dum dee dum dum… boy, that Chokie sure is hot. (stands silent for a while) Heh heh… I wonder what she's like in the sack.

VOICE: Wouldn't YOU like to know…

RENO: WHAT?!!

NEVERMORE: (takes a swig out of his liquor bottle) Damn, this is good stuff. (puts it down next to SERPENT'S marshmellow bag)

SERPENT: (roasting marshmellows over a kitchen flame) And how. Mmm…me likes marshmellows…

NEVERMORE: YOU BASTARD!! GET OUTTA HERE!!!

NEVERMORE: ^$%#@!!!!

SERPENT: %#$@#%^$!!!

RABID CHOCOBO: I wonder what happened to Reno?

LOONY: Reno? Is he your…boyfriend?

RABID CHOCOBO: Ex. Or, will be. He's always drunk too often.

LOONY: I see. (thinking: YEEEESSSSS!!!!) Say, do you smell smoke?

MAN #1: (suddenly comes crashing in) OH MY GOD!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! THERE'S A FREAKIN' FIRE!!!!

YUD: &%^$!!!

RINOA: Whee!! This is so much fun! I loooove you soooo much!! I wanna be your bitch!

BROOMEY: (finally gets out and drops down next to SOLID JIM) JIM!! What's going on?!

SOLID JIM: Where the &%^$ is Cho'?!!

YUD: JIM!! Help me get this…this THING off my leg or I'll die!!

RINOA: I wuv you, snoogums!

SOLID JIM: No time! Just jump out a window or something! We got to find Cho'!!

RABID CHOCOBO: Who said my name?! JIM?! YUDDY?!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?!!!

SERPENT: Now…we can explain…

RABID CHOCOBO: Yargh!! (chases all of them outside with her axe) I'll KILL you!

LOONY: Wait! Miss Chokie, wait for me! (runs after her)

ANCHORMAN: Our top cover story -- A famous French restaurant, the Chateau de Food'e, was mysterious burned down to the ground today. The FBI and police are investigating as we speak. Some diners reported some mysterious characters at the restaurant. A few being one -- a waiter with an odd British accent, two -- a Vietnamese man with a "bitchy" little girl stuck to his legs, three -- some familiar looking spies from a third-rate agency, and four -- a tall and dark man carrying a bottle of alcohol. One particular individual that the police are especially after is a young Vietnamese female. They believe her to be head of this crime.

The fire seems to have started in the kitchen. Investigators found a cracked liquor bottle by a stove along with some marshmellow remnants.

No one was seriously injured in the ordeal, except for a well-known Turk who was found unconcious in the men's restroom and a fat chef who suffered from a heart-attack. Mysteriously, his fake teeth were missing. That is all we have on the story so far. Tune in later where we'll take you to go meet the families of this terrible mishap.

EDGE: I wonder who it is.

RUFUS: Who cares? Basketball is on. (switches the channel)

MONGOOSE: … ……… … ……. …

SOLID JIM: Where're my stuff?!

RUFUS: Uhm, in your room. Why?

SOLID JIM: The authorities found out, didn't they?

EDGE: What?! YOU'RE THE ONE?!

YUD: Where's my KJ-link?! Oh my god, I am LEAVING this state!!

SQUALLID: Waittaminnit. What about our pay?

YUD: Here. (flips him a quarter)

SQUALLID: Look, Serpent! A shiny new quarter! The gods a smiling on us today!

SERPENT: Hurrah!

EDGE: Poor bastards.

RUFUS: Poor lonely bastards.

RABID CHOCOBO: What are we doing?

YUD: I don't know, but we're definitely LEAVING, that's for sure!!

LOONY: Where am I?

SOLID JIM: Shut up!

NEVERMORE: But where? By this time of the day, Alaska will be too dark to navigate around in a snowfield.

RUFUS: Hey, I got an idea. You guys can book a train with me back to Midgar. I'm going back tomorrow to run against that bastard Palmer in the election.

SOLID JIM: Sounds cool. Where's Midgar?

RUFUS: 'Bout a few days away from here. We'll taking the Interstellar Space Train Convoy (ISTC). You know, those trains that take you from planet to planet?

YUD: Okay. What's the fee?

RUFUS: I'm the evil President Rufus Shinra, remember? Who said anything about a damn fee?

RABID CHOCOBO: Oh boy. So we're fugitives now?

NEVERMORE: Desperate fugitives, at that.

RABID CHOCOBO: *sigh* I'll go pack.

SOLID JIM: *whistles* Nice rooms.

YUD: Neato. A little cramped, but nice at that.

RUFUS: It's all I could find that won't attract much attention.

NEVERMORE: Who's sharing with who?

RUFUS: Nobody's sharing. It's already bad that I'm smuggling fugitives from another planet into my city. You're all staying in one room. Try to keep quiet, okay? It's not helping my election one bit.

SOLID JIM: One mattress.

BROOMEY: One single mattress.

NEVERMORE: *sigh* (looks over his shoulder and sees LOONY gawking at RABID CHOCOBO) Uh, Jim, about Chokie. (makes a hand gesture towards him)

SOLID JIM: Hmm… Yuddy, get the fuel…

LOONY: What're you guys talking about?

SOLID JIM AND YUD: NOTHING!

RABID CHOCOBO: I'll take the floor. No way am I cramming myself onto that putrid bed with a bunch of other guys who don't shower for a week.

SOLID JIM: Whew.

LOONY: So, uh…Ms. Chokie, uh…I, uh…

BROOMEY: The hell?!

LOONY: Ah, a penny for your thoughts?

SOLID JIM: Just a penny? I'd charge at least 500 £ for my thoughts.

YUD: You're thoughts consist of math equations, plotting other low cabinet official's deaths, crappy bands, and occasionally a really hot British chick. They ain't worth diddly.

SOLID JIM: Don't talk. (thinking: He's on to me…maybe I'll have to take him out for safety's sake…)

RABID CHOCOBO: Jim?

SOLID JIM: (snapping out of it) Gah! I wasn't plotting Yuddy's horrific and gory demise! Honest!

YUD: … (thinking: I wanna go home.)

SOLID JIM: I'm hungry.

YUD: When aren't you hungry?

NEVERMORE: Well what do you expect from a growing boy of seventeen?

BROOMEY: Not much, really.

NEVERMORE: That was a damn rhetorical question.

BROOMEY: Well that was a damn rhetorical answer.

RABID CHOCOBO: I'm starvin'. When's Rufus gonna feed us?

SERPENT: I want my marshmallows.

NEVERMORE: You all quit your whining. We'll eat something eventually.

YUD: Let's play a game. I'll make a sound and you try to guess what it is. *ahem* (makes a sheep-like sound) Baahh.

BROOMEY: It's a duck!

LOONY: It's a zebra!

SQUALLID: It's a horse!

NEVERMORE: You're all wrong. It's a cow.

RABID CHOCOBO: Emu!

SOLID JIM: It's a sheep. S-H-E-E-P, sheep. Sheep belong to the bovid family, Bovidae. The scientific name for the urial sheep is Ovis vignei. The mouflon sheep is O. musimon. Domesticated sheep are O. aries.

NEVERMORE: Look who's the nerd now.

SOLID JIM: So what?

YUD: This game doesn't work.

SERPENT: We could try truth or dare.

SOLID JIM: Oh boy. Flashback to my elementary days…

SERPENT: Chokie, truth or dare.

RABID CHOCOBO: Truth.

SERPENT: You ever kissed someone?

RABID CHOCOBO: …ah…

SOLID JIM: Chokie?

RABID CHOCOBO: Yes.

YUD: I KNEW IT!! Beneath all that evil, gruesome, malevolence exterior there IS a woman!

RABID CHOCOBO: You have five seconds to shut your trap before I rip out your pancreas and kick it about the train.

YUD: (suddenly quiet) I'll be good…

RABID CHOCOBO: Jim, truth or dare?

SOLID JIM: Dare.

RABID CHOCOBO: I dare you to make a torch out of that can of Renuzit air fresheners over there.

SOLID JIM: Done and done. Anybody got a light?

SOLID JIM: Okay, stand back.

SOLID JIM: Yud.

YUD: I WON'T BE A PART OF THIS GAME!!

SOLID JIM: Tgh, fine.

NEVERMORE: Why are we playing this stupid game?

RABID CHOCOBO: Ugh, I'm going to sleep. And I'm STILL hungry. If I wake up anorexic, it's all Rufus' fault.

LOONY: You're not going to be anorexic overnight.

RABID CHOCOBO: Figuratively speaking here, dumbass.

LOONY: (thinking: She's so sexy when she's angry…)

RABID CHOCOBO: Sigh. Maybe I won't get some sleep afterall. I'm gonna go look for Rufus. You guys clean this place up.

RABID CHOCOBO: Okay. I got my axe. Now all I gotta do is whup his ass and make him feed us. Nothing can stand in my way!

SCREECHY VIETNAMESE VOICE: Uyen!! *note: Uyen is my Vietnamese name*

RABID CHOCOBO: Ma?!!

MOM: (in Vietnamese) It's so GOOD to see you!

DAD: (ditto) Yeah. How are you? And why aren't you married with ten kids?

RABID CHOCOBO: (also in Vietnamese) Dad, I can take care of myself. I'm only 16. I've got a long way to go.

MOM: Well at least have the children. Do you need any help finding a man to produce children with?

RABID CHOCOBO: MOM!!!

MOM: Only a suggestion.

RABID CHOCOBO: (thinking: Oh, Jesus, I gotta think fast.) The truth is, Ma, I…uh… already HAVE boyfriend. Heh.

MOM: You do?

DAD: Can we meet him?

RABID CHOCOBO: Uh…ah…let me get back to you on that.

RABID CHOCOBO: (looking around the room and thinking to herself) Nevermore…too old. Yud…too eccentric. Loony…too weird.

SOLID JIM: Somethin' the matter? You looked flushed.

RABID CHOCOBO: Oh my god, and am in need of a divine intervention. I … (notices his out fit) The hell?!

SOLID JIM: Don't ask.

RABID CHOCOBO: The hell did you get that damn banana?!!

SOLID JIM: Oh, I sneaked over to the other boxcar and ganked it from a small and defenseless child. You want some?

RABID CHOCOBO: ^$%#@!! I am in no mood for food!! I need your help.

SOLID JIM: What's going on?

RABID CHOCOBO: Yes or no. I will have no questions asked.

SOLID JIM: (slightly interested) Is there money involved?

RABID CHOCOBO: 70 £!!

SOLID JIM: The hell you will. You will pay me 90 £! The labor price has gone UP.

RABID CHOCOBO: DEAL!! Just shut up and follow me.

MOM: (bad English) Is this…your…

RABID CHOCOBO: Ma, Dad -- meet Solid Jim, aka James, my…boyfriend.

SOLID JIM: HUH?!

DAD: Hmph. He's American.

SOLID JIM: Actually, I'm British.

MOM: What's wrong with you, boy?!

SOLID JIM: WHAT'D I SAY?

MOM: How come you no give my daughter ten kids?

SOLID JIM: Chokie…

RABID CHOCOBO: Heh heh…my parents…

SOLID JIM: Now it's 100 £.

RABID CHOCOBO: (punches him sharply in the stomach) Shh! Shut up!!

SOLID JIM: (doubling over) Gack!! (writhing in pain)

MOM: Nguyen Quynh Kim Uyen!! Is this how you treat your boyfriend?!

SOLID JIM: (struggling to speak) Yeah, pretty much…

SOLID JIM: (sweating) Heh heh…I mean,…really…I'm fine…honest to God…heh…

RABID CHOCOBO: (whispering) Good boy… (leveled, plain, uninterested voice)

SOLID JIM: (smiles weakly) … …

MOM: Well, we'll be going now, dear.

DAD: Care for dinner tomorrow at Kalm?

RABID CHOCOBO: (fakely smiling) I'd be honor to, Dad.

RABID CHOCOBO: Thanks a lot, you freak! You almost had me lose my head back there!

SOLID JIM: Look who's talking. I'm not the one being punched in the gut and threatened with an axe!

RABID CHOCOBO: Well, other than that, you did a good job acting. I swear, this was NOT what I expected from a simple would-be presidential killing spree mission.

SOLID JIM: (sitting down on the bed) Yeah, well the next thing you know they'd probably want us to play tonsil hockey.

RABID CHOCOBO: (confused) Huh?

SOLID JIM: You know, mash 'em together.

RABID CHOCOBO: I don't get it.

SOLID JIM: Kiss, damn you!

RABID CHOCOBO: Ick. The last time I kissed a guy was when I played spin the bottle in 7^th grade.

SOLID JIM: (sudden mysterious interest) Oh really…? Who was this guy?

RABID CHOCOBO: This is NOT the time to be overprotective of me. I just can't imagine kissing a guy a year older than me!

SOLID JIM: Yeah, wouldn't that be statutory rape?

RABID CHOCOBO: Yeah. 'Cause I'm a minor and stuff.

SOLID JIM: Oh.

SOLID JIM: So what would we do if they do make us smooch?

RABID CHOCOBO: I'm sure I'll think of something. Anything. I can't bring myself to even touch you.

SOLID JIM: You did a half hour ago. With the axe, of course. And the fist.

RABID CHOCOBO: That was a violent muscle spasm.

SOLID JIM: I honestly don't see the difference.

RABID CHOCOBO: *sigh* Where is everyone?

SOLID JIM: Oh, they got so hungry they went and decided to steal food from the upper class cars. I was gonna go with them, but then you came.

RABID CHOCOBO: Sorry. (looks at his outfit) Um, you wanna go put some pants on? You in your boxers is not a very pleasant site.

SOLID JIM: (leaving) The hell are you saying, woman? Girls go crazy over me.

RABID CHOCOBO: Do you even care, honestly? You don't even like girls. Much, anyway. I've caught you dribbling in a few swimsuit magazines.

SOLID JIM: I will, eventually. Hey, who told you about the magazines?

RABID CHOCOBO: Yud.

SOLID JIM: (breaks a sweat) Heh heh… I only read them for the article.

RABID CHOCOBO: Sure.

SOLID JIM: Well excuse me for growing up. Male puberty takes time, unlike you barbaric American folks who rush through your early adolescence.

RABID CHOCOBO: Whattaya mean "takes time"? You're seventeen and a half, dammit. You're pretty much near the end of puberty. Look, just go and put on some &%^$#'in pants.

RABID CHOCOBO: My existence has taken a miserable turn down the road of life.

SOLID JIM: Oh, great. Now I have to follow my boss around all over the place.

RABID CHOCOBO: I know it sucks. What's worse is that we have to act all lovey-dovey sissy crap around each other.

SOLID JIM: *yawn* How come nobody's awake yet?

RABID CHOCOBO: You tell me. I'm amazed at how they can cram each other like that and still be able to sleep well.

NEVERMORE: (waking up from under the bed) The hell? You two are actually talking to each other without threatening? That's amazing.

RABID CHOCOBO: Shut up.

YUD: Hey, Chokie. Where were you during the 1^st class ransack last night?

RABID CHOCOBO: I'd rather not talk about it.

VOICE OVER INTERCOM: Attention passengers! Fifteen minutes until Midgar! Please get your bags and belongings ready. Any remaining passengers who did not pay for their ticket(s) will be shot. Thank you. Have a nice day.

RABID CHOCOBO: Ugh. One more day without food. And people wonder why I'm so skinny.

SOLID JIM: This is Midgar?!

YUD: What a rip!!

RABID CHOCOBO: RUFUS!! What the HELL is this?! Do you expect a person like me to STAY here?!!

RUFUS: Hey, this is the LAST place that authorities would look for you. You guys are perfectly safe here. (looks at his watch) Oops. I gotta run. C'mon, Dark Nations.

LOONY: *sigh* Might as well find a hotel. Where are we, anyway?

NEVERMORE: (reading a sign) "Wallmarket". Looks crummy. Almost worse than New York.

RABID CHOCOBO: Why those sonavabitches. I'll rip their frickin' balls out and kick 'em about on the ground…

SOLID JIM: Shall we?

RABID CHOCOBO: Let's.

RABID CHOCOBO: That was fun.

SOLID JIM: (evil British cackle) Ha ha ha!! I'm gonna like this city…

ZEEK: Mr. Corneo! Some locals have informed us of a, quote, "really hot killer chick" down at the local hotel.

CORNEO: Splendid! After that incident with the two AVALANCHE girls, I need a little "action"! Please, do fetch her.

ZEEK: Heh heh…I have my ways, sir.

YUD: So you're pretending to go out with Chokie so her parent's won't pressure her to marry?

SOLID JIM: Basically, yes. Plus, this gives me an opportunity to keep a closer eye on her suitors.

LOONY: Say, where is she anyway?

SOLID JIM: Taking a shower.

LOONY: Mmm…Chokie in the shower…

YUD: What was that?

LOONY: Uh…nothing! I didn't say nothing!! (turns away and scribbles "I love Chokie" in his notebook)

NEVERMORE: Whatcha writin'?

LOONY: …uh, drawing pictures.

NEVERMORE: Cool.

RABID CHOCOBO: Bathroom's all yours.

YUD: Crud.

YUD: THE HELL?!! (begins cussing in Vietnamese)

NEVERMORE: CHO'!!

LOONY: Oh my god! She's gone! GONE!

BROOMEY: She'll never now how I felt for her!!

SOLID JIM: WHAT HAPPENED!! OH SH*T!! Where's Cho'?!

NEVERMORE: The window crashed open and some men took her away!

SOLID JIM: Dammit, no!! Do you know what sort of men are OUT there?!!

RABID CHOCOBO: Where in Jesus' name are you bastards taking me!! Let go!! I'll have your damn HEADS for this!!!

CORNEO: My, my…what a feisty little chickie we have!

RABID CHOCOBO: Oh dear God.

CORNEO: You're new here, aren't you? Well, I'm Don Corneo, and I'm the town's local dilettante. And as you know…

ZEEK: The boss is in the market for a bride.

CORNEO: …and you just happened to catch my eye, my lovely.

RABID CHOCOBO: (thinking: Damn my feminine body.) Oh Christ…this isn't what I think it is…is it?

CORNEO: You gotta believe, baby-cheeks.

RABID CHOCOBO: DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!

CORNEO: &%^$#!! I'll come back tomorrow! You'll be sorry! Take her away and show her some manners!

RABID CHOCOBO: What are you doing?! Do you know who I am?!

ZEEK: You hear that, babe? The boss wants us to teach you some manners. *snicker* Now the boys may be a little rough on you, but you'll grow to cope with it after your fourth guy or so…

RABID CHOCOBO: (thinking: Gotta find a weapon…)

TOM: ^$%#@!! SHE HIT ME!!

RABID CHOCOBO: Not like how I'm gonna waste YOU chumps…

RABID CHOCOBO: (turning towards ZEEK) As for you…

ZEEK: *gulp* Mommy…

CORNEO: What the f--

RABID CHOCOBO: Surprised?