YUD: This is cool.
JIM: I never imagined I'd ever really meet him.
YUD: When will Rabid calm down, I wonder?
JIM: Soon.. well, possibly never. I locked her in the props room, for safety's sake.
ESKIMO: Whose safety?
JIM: I won't dignify that with an answer.
EDGE: Where is he, then?
ESKIMO: He's just through in his dressing room. He doesn't want to come out.
JIM:(raising voice) Hey, come on out, Dave!
(Snake emerges, looking sullen.) SNAKE: Don't call me that.
JIM: Why not? It's your name.
SNAKE: I have no name!
JIM:(humouringly) Oh, in rôle already, are you? Right.
ESKIMO: I'll introduce you to everyone, Dave. We're great fans of yours!
SNAKE: Look, can we just get this over with? This is hardly the high point of my career.
JIM: What, what's wrong?
SNAKE: I didn't come this far in life to star alongside a bunch of kids.
JIM: Kids!? I resent that!
EDGE: We're not kids.
JIM: I'll have you know I'll be voting next year! I can drive a car! Not legally, but with relative competance!
SNAKE: Whatever. But I didn't want to do this.
YUD: Listen up, Snakey boy. We're fans of yours. We respect you. So shut up and start cooperating!
JIM: Yeah, you ungrateful wretch. Or we'll lock you in there with Cho'.
ESKIMO: And aim....
(ping) NEVERMORE: You missed again!? This is getting annoying. (fumbles in pockets) ESKIMO: It's not my fault! I was doing perfectly on the shooting range. It's this cold Arctic air, it affects the trajectory.
NEVERMORE: Not of an elastic band!
SNAKE: For the love of.. (to Nevermore) Could I have some of that?
(In the scene, Yud and Solid Jim argue until Jim threatens Yud with an automatic weapon. Unfortunately, Jim accidentally fires it, filling Yud with holes.) JIM: Whoops! (laughs) I twitched.
(He continues to laugh hysterically, seemingly unfazed by the fact that he has just taken a human life.) YUD:(out of shot) Lucky thing you suggested the stunt-Yud.
CHO':(out of shot) I knew something like this would happen. Knock this off, Jim, I'm the violent one!
JIM:(surpressing laughter) We're... we're going to PRACTICE this... haha.. until we get it RIGHT! (leans against wall, accidentally fires off another few rounds across the room.)JIM: Uh, Cho' it's about the script...
CHO': What about the script?
JIM: I'm.. we're not happy with this scene.
CHO': What's the problem?
JIM: Well.. I.. we... It's this part where I announce that I love you, and try to kill Reno. I mean, I'm okay with the killing, in general terms, but I think it's a bit out of character. I mean, don't get me wrong.. but I don't think I'd actually say that.
CHO': Do you want to argue with the axe?
JIM:(quietly) No...
CHO': Then get out there and act.
JIM: Sorry.
JIM: You still on for the thing later?
YUD: Yeah, looking forward to it. Thanks for the pie.
JIM: It's nothing, I had too much money and they were reduced...
YUD: Did you get the Christmas card?
JIM: Yeah, thanks for that...
CHO': Okay, we're ready to roll. Places, everybody.
JIM: Wait, wait, let me get motivated first.
(Jim takes a bloodstained Pokémon card from his pocket, stolen from a child a few months before.) JIM: Ash Ketchum... Antichrist...
(He opens his eyes and glares at Yud with anger and hatred.) JIM: Well, get on with it, scum!
(In between takes; a camera lens is being replaced) JIM: I'm not wrong.
YUD: Yes you are. You're most definitely wrong!
JIM: I'm right. Santa Claus is traditionally supposed to laugh "Ha ha ha."
YUD: He isn't!
JIM: Yes, he is. "Ha ha ha."
YUD: Have you gane completely mad?
JIM: Well, if you're so clever, how does he laugh, then?
YUD: He laughs...
JIM: Yeah, go on, how does he laugh? Say it really loud so everyone can hear.
ESKIMO: ...but supposing someone *were* to call us "a pair o' pathetic peripatetics," what would we do?
YUD: Um...
EDGE: Learned your lines, Jim?
JIM: Learned them? Yes. Happy with them? Well...
EDGE: If you don't like it, have them changed.
JIM: Well, I'm not really all that bothered.
EDGE: You know what you are? You're pathetic.
SNAKE: Look, are we ready? I've got more important things to do.
CHO': Hold on... I'm just adjusting the camera.
JIM: No, you're not. I can tell what you're doing, and it's sick and wrong. Stop it, the man's a star!
CHO': No, it's not what you think..
NEVERMORE: Yeah, right. Who's the one who asked him whether he'd mind recreating the original briefing scene?
SNAKE: What are you talking about?
YUD: Nothing. So, what's this scene again?
INTERVIEWER: Are you glad to be involved with this project?
JIM: Oh, yes. It's like a dream come true, yes. The people are good to work with, it's good fun..
INTERVIEWER: And how did you research your particular rôle?
JIM: Well... I have actually *been* Jim for the past seventeen and a half years. I am him.
INTERVIEWER: I see.
JIM: I don't have to research it.
INTERVIEWER: Yes, I see.
YUD: All the rivalry and the animosity.. it's not real.
INTERVIEWER: Really? It's, it's just part of the.. the..
YUD: Yeah, it's just part of the story. We all get on with each other. Even me and Jim. (laughs) INTERVIEWER: Only I couldn't help noticing...
YUD: Oh, this?
INTERVIEWER: A sort of..
YUD: The ice pack, yes. Well, I, er, fell over, you see. I fell and hurt myself.
INTERVIEWER: Were you happy to meet.. to meet the star in person?
CHO': Oh, yes. Ecstatic. I've always been a fan of Snake, the legend, ever since I heard of him. It's good to be able to meet, well, Snake, the man.
INTERVIEWER: Sort of a..
CHO': In person.
INTERVIEWER: A sort of lifetime ambition?
CHO': Well, I don't know that I'd go that far, but it's.. you could say I'm an admirer of Snake, in a sense..
INTERVIEWER: Yes, as anyone who's seen your website couldn't fail..
CHO': Oh, you've seen the..?
INTERVIEWER: couldn't, couldn't fail to notice. I have glanced at it, yes, it's quite good.
CHO': Hmm. Thanks.
INTERVIEWER: Would you describe yourself, at all, as a fan...
INTERVIEWER: You have been known to display quite a.. a lack of sympathy, to some kinds of people.
JIM: Well...
INTERVIEWER: So I've heard. I'm not saying it's true, or not, or...
JIM: I do have an ideology.
INTERVIEWER: An ideolo..?
JIM: Yes, my personal belief is that.. anyone who encounters suffering and pain, as a direct result of their own stupidity or neglect.. deserves every bit of it.
INTERVIEWER: Some might consider that a little harsh.. what's that you're drawing, there? You... oh. It's... You have quite a reasonable viewpoint, I suppose.
INTERVIEWER: You must have fallen quite awkwardly.
YUD: Well, I was running at the time, and...
CHO': Well, it's a question of drawing a line. There are some things people can say to me, and some things they can't.
INTERVIEWER:(strained) ..yes..
ESKIMO: I've actually written a poem..
INTERVIEWER: Oh, really?
ESKIMO: Yes...
INTERVIEWER: I should quite like to hear..
ESKIMO: ..but I'm not going to read it. It's private.
INTERVIEWER: Oh.
NEVERMORE: Could I have another drink..?
INTERVIEWER: I'm just wondering.. to hit a door like that.. how fast were you running?
YUD: Look, I ran into a door. That's all there is to it. I don't see why you're making such a big thing about it.
INTERVIEWER: They say you're a great joker.
SNAKE: I'm not joking! They've taken my phone, they're watching my every move. I have to contact my agent. Please tell somebody where I am, I can't live another second of this nightmare! One of them... one of them keeps calling me Dave, as if he knows me! He... he recites useless facts at me, like which members of FOX-HOUND have personal vendettas... They argue, they fight.. I'm losing my sanity. Please help me, you're my last hope!
INTERVIEWER: Ha ha. Well, we've got enough now. It was good to interview you. Keep that sense of humour. 'Bye!
SNAKE: No, please, don't go!
(slam)JIM: RC?
CHO': Yeah?
JIM: I was wondering, with all the news about Sons of Liberty and whatnot...
CHO': What about it?
JIM: Well, I was thinking about this from Dave's point of view.
CHO': Dave?
JIM: Our star player.. our enfant terrible..
CHO': You mean Snake?
JIM: Well, yes. Basically, do you think we should perhaps delay the filming, so that he's free to go and work on Metal Gear Solid 2?
CHO': Delay the forum fic in favour of the game...
JIM: Yes.. I just thought that..
CHO': Jim, what's more important to you? His career or your ego?
JIM: Good point. Forget it, then.
JIM: Now, in this scene, I'm going to shoot you.
RENO: Shoot me?
JIM: With a missile launcher.
RENO: Well... don't I get a stuntman?
JIM: Of course you don't! You have to suffer for your art.
RENO: But... *you* have a stuntman.
JIM: That's different. I've suffered enough. Do you have any idea what it's like to find out you only got a B in GCSE Expressive Arts?
RENO: Well, not..
JIM: Then we're agreed. Now, this is what I'll be using. It's a Stinger launcher. It can bring down a plane.
RENO: Um, is that...
JIM: It's real, yes. You want to be careful around this thing. You could die.
RENO: I'm not really sure..
JIM: Now, don't take this personally. Of course I'm going to shoot you. It's in the script. And I'll be acting very aggressively toward you.
RENO: I just think that...
JIM: But I won't really be angry.
RENO: Couldn't we..
JIM: I'll actually be very happy. Now if you want to talk about anything else... well, just don't.
CHO': Have you discussed the next take with Reno?
JIM: No.
CHO': I think you ought to explain the gist of it to him.
JIM: Well, I did that. Mostly.
CHO': Right. What do you mean by 'mostly'?
JIM: Well, I mean what I say. I told him the whole scene, up to where I hit
him with the iron bar.
CHO': Up to?
JIM: Yes.
CHO': Including?
JIM: Well, no.
CHO': Why not!? It's not a prop; you could really hurt him if he's not
ready!
JIM: Look, the guy's an amateur. If I tell him in advance, he'll just end up
anticipating it and it'll look rubbish on camera. He'll be okay, it's not as
if he's got much upstairs anyway.
(back at the comic book HQ) YUD: S'good to be filming back at home again.
JIM: Speak for yourself. Some of us live on the other side of vast expanses
of water.
EDGE: Yeah! I'm not happy about being dragged out here. Shadow Moses was a
long way, but at least I actually wanted to go there.
JIM: Well, it's not all bad. This is like a free holiday.
EDGE: You reckon?
JIM: Yeah, we might as well enjoy it. After all, this is the land of the
free...
EDGE: That's not like you.
JIM: ...refills.
EDGE: Let's go.
CHO': Is everyone out of the Chateau de Food'e? We wouldn't want anybody
getting killed. Well, not any cast members.
JIM: We're blowing up the restaurant now?
CHO': Yes.
JIM: Can I press the button?
CHO': No! I'm the director, I get to press the button.
JIM: Please.
CHO': Forget it!
JIM: Ohh.. well, can I watch the button being pressed, then?
CHO': Um, I suppose so. As long as you don't make any.. noises...
JIM: I don't know what you mean!
NEVERMORE: Are we ready to go? Are we far enough back? I mean, if I was
carrying.. flammable liquids, or..
YUD: This should be good. I put a little something in there to amplify the
effect.
JIM:(strange weak voice) Yess..
CHO': Okay. Let's go.
(As she presses the button - which is red, needless to say - the restaurant
detonates in a terrific explosion. Flames billow from the windows. Within
minutes, fire engines and police cars arrive on the scene.) ESKIMO: They look realistic.
CHO': They are good, aren't they? Where did you hire them, Jim?
JIM: Well... you see, I had a choice. I could do as you asked, and get
permission to destroy the building, and call the police and fire services
and inform them in advance, and hire some replica vehicles, and people to
drive them... or I could just do nothing. This way was a lot easier, the
effect was better, and it was only slightly less legal.
(He darts off, the axe smashing down on the spot where he had just been
standing.)YUD: Just had a phone call from Hal Emmerich. He said he's not happy with
the way we've cast someone else in his rôle without asking him.
BROOMEY: Really? Er, what did you say?
YUD: I asked if I look like someone who cares, then told him it was nothing
to do with him.
BROOMEY: How'd he react?
YUD: Well, he backed down, but he sounded pretty angry. Sometimes I worry
that a guy like that will go and make a big weapon.
JIM: Saw that chef character earlier.
EDGE: Yeah?
JIM: What a thoroughly unconvincing foreign accent.
EDGE: Well, yes.
JIM: I'm not impressed. The best comedy chef was John Cleese in the Dirty
Fork sketch.
EDGE: Well, I'm sure you'd..
JIM: "You BASTARDS!! You VICIOUS, HEARTLESS BASTARDS!!"
EDGE: ..ouch.. yes.
JIM: "Look what you've done to him! He's worked his fingers to the bone to
make this place what it is, and you come in with your petty, feeble
quibbling.."
EDGE: Quite..
JIM: "..and you grind him into the dirt! This fine, honourable man, whose
boots you are not worthy to kiss!"
EDGE: Well, I think you have to be there..
JIM: "Oh, it makes me mad... MAD... MAAD!!"
EDGE: That's enough, Jim.
JIM: "Now, easy, Mungo.. oh! The wound! The war wound!" "It's the end.. the
end... aagh!!"
EDGE: Stop it now.
JIM: "They've destroyed him! HE'S DEAD! They've KILLED HIM!!" "No, Mungo!
Never kill a customer!"
EDGE: Shut up!
JIM: "Oh, the wound, the wound!"
EDGE: For god's sake, stop it!
JIM: "Lucky we didn't say anything about the dirty knife.."
EDGE: You've got a serious problem, Jim!
JIM: The way I see it, if you're going to hang yourself, then ideally you
want to be going at the terminal velocity in Earth's atmosphere at the
moment the rope goes taut. That will minimise the actual pain involved,
while giving more spectacular results.
PADDY: Well, I don't know. I always reckoned if I was going to top myself
I'd just use a gun. Quick and painless.
JIM: Well, yeah, but if you're bringing about your own death, you might as
well make it something people are going to remember. Of course, it depends
on the gun. You could use a minigun and jam something against the trigger,
so it wouldn't stop until it was all out of ammo.
PADDY: That'd take some cleaning up.
JIM: But I still maintain that the best way to kill yourself is to buy 600
feet of nylon rope, tie one end to a lamp post, the other round your neck,
and then get into the car and floor it.
PADDY: How about detonating an explosive device in a crowded area?
JIM: Wonderfully destructive, if a little lacking in elegance. I think
jumping out of a helicopter about a kilometre above Trafalgar Square would
be entertaining.
PADDY: Why are we having this converstion?
JIM: I don't know. Did I start it, or was it you?
PADDY: It was probably you.
(Back in the snowfield) SNAKE: C-c-cold.. so.. cold...
NEVERMORE: R..Ra'id Ch'c'bo.. s'd-d..
SNAKE: W-What?
NEVERMORE: Sh'.. she sa'd.. th't. w-w-w-w-we... w'ld.. be pi-pi-p'ck'd 'p..
SNAKE: I-I c-can't unders-stand you..
NEVERMORE: p-p'k'd up.. 'n-'n-'n r h-h'l'copt-t'r-r..
SNAKE: Oh g-god.. not only am I going t-t-to d-die..
NEVERMORE: Wh-wh' wo'ld sh'-sh'-sh' lie?
SNAKE: ..I'm going to die in the c-company of an unintelligible alco-ho-holic..
CHO': Okay, guys. This is Gypsum Fantastic...
GYPSUM: Hi!
CHO': ...and he's going to be the photographer for the publicity pictures. So I've brought him to meet you all.
GYPSUM: Hi, yeah, hi. Already I'm getting a vibe. Yeah, this will work. I've got a plan now, a vision. These photographs will be the best you have ever seen.
(They are less than impressed.) EDGE: A bit full of yourself, aren't you?
GYPSUM: Of course I am! I am Gypsum Fantastic! And why lie?
NEVERMORE: Oh, you're in for a treat all right..
GYPSUM: Now, who wants to be first?
(Utter silence.) GYPSUM: Well, how about you? What's your name?
JIM:(sullenly) I am Solid Jim.
GYPSUM: Want to go first?
JIM: No.
GYPSUM: Hmph. (to Yud) Pleasant chap. Does he ever smile?
YUD: If he does, run.
GYPSUM: Okay, Miss Chocobo.. (she is visibly annoyed by this) ready yet?
CHO': I've been ready for an hour. You're the one thats been setting up his cameras and lights and things.
GYPSUM: Now.. but no, no! I can't photograph you dressed like this!
CHO': Get changed, then.
GYPSUM: No, I mean is that what you were planning on wearing?
CHO': Why not? It's what I always wear.
GYPSUM: Well, it's hardly elegant, is it? It's hardly glamorous.
CHO': Have you actually read the script?
GYPSUM: Look, do you have a dress or something? Something that'd make you look more.. I don't know..
CHO':(ominously) What..?
GYPSUM: ..stylish?
CHO': I'd rather not. Are you going to take my photograph or not?
GYPSUM: Well, couldn't you just..
CHO': I'm getting bored with this conversation.
GYPSUM: I mean, it's not a lot to...
CHO': Nope. I'm out of here. Maybe I'll come back later. Maybe.
GYPSUM: It's Yud, right? Heh.
YUD: What's funny about that?
GYPSUM: Nothing at all. Now, are you ready?
YUD: No, not quite. I don't like this setup.
GYPSUM: What's missing?
YUD: Can we do something about the lighting?
GYPSUM: Like what?
YUD: I want to be lit brightly, from the back. Standing like this. And.. with these shapes next to me.
GYPSUM: Why?
YUD: The customer is always right.
GYPSUM: You'll just end up as a silouhette. So will the shapes. What are they meant to be? They look a bit like women.
YUD: They are shapes.
GYPSUM: And what's with that pose? You look like you're trying to be James Bond.
YUD: Look, are you going to take this picture or not?
JIM: Do I have to do this?
GYPSUM: Yes. Why?
JIM: I don't photograph well. I look out of place. I look either stupid or annoying. Can't I just hand in a sketch or something?
GYPSUM: No. Stand there. No, left a bit. No, MY left. And a bit more. Right. Now, we put the background in later. Smile.
JIM: I'd rather not.
GYPSUM: That doesn't matter. Smile.
(Slowly, and with much effort, Jim twists his face into something resembling a smile. It is terrifying.) GYPSUM: Oh.. dear.. god..
JIM: Get on with it.
GYPSUM:(mumbles) JIM: Why are you reciting the Lord's Prayer?
GYPSUM: No reason at all. Look, just go away. I'll sort something out with image processing, I suppose. Or something. Please go away.
GYPSUM: Okay, come in. Um, who are you?
ESKIMO: Eskimo.
GYPSUM: Right. Are you cooperative?
ESKIMO: Been giving you a hard time, have they?
GYPSUM: NO! No. I'm fine. Now, are you all set up? I am.
ESKIMO: If I could make just one suggestion..
GYPSUM: What's that..?
ESKIMO: I want to be photographed with some animals.
GYPSUM: What.. no. I can't have animals in the studio! I hate animals!
ESKIMO: I won't do it without the animals. And then you won't have done the job, and you won't be paid. And what's more, I'll crack the camera lens with a rubber band.
GYPSUM: You little.. what animals?
ESKIMO: A cat..
GYPSUM: Easy enough.
ESKIMO: A Manx cat.
GYPSUM: Oh god.
ESKIMO: And a moorhen.. a badger.. a meerkat.. a quagga..
GYPSUM: What!?
ESKIMO: And a dodo. I'll go away and come back later.
GYPSUM: Well, I'm all finished. (sobs) I mean it, I'm finished! My career is over! I can't handle it any more.
CHO': Yeah, yeah. Have you done the photographs?
GYPSUM: No, I haven't! You walked out on me. Yud's photo was just a blur of lights. I couldn't face taking Solid Jim's photo. Eskimo was the most awful person I've ever met. And then the older one stumbled into my equipment and broke it all. I'm ruined!
CHO': You realise I can't pay you after all this.
GYPSUM: I really couldn't care less any more. I'm going to become a monk.
NEVERMORE: This Alcoholics Anonymous experience-sharing experience is now
beginning. Hello. My name is Nevermore.
RENO: Um, hello. My name is Reno.
(Silence) NEVERMORE: Yes, I am a little disappointed at the turnout. Still, we must do
what we can. Would you like to begin?
RENO: Um, what should I..
NEVERMORE: Just tell us about your experience. Don't worry. We're not here
to judge you.
RENO: There's only you here.
NEVERMORE: You're here as well.
RENO: I know, but you keep saying "we."
NEVERMORE: What do you mean?
RENO: "We're not going to judge you," and...
NEVERMORE: No, there's just you. Have you been drinking?
RENO: Well, I was coming to that. Um.
NEVERMORE: Go on.
RENO:(disoriented) I.. er, I've been drinking.. longer than I can remember.
NEVERMORE: Longer than you remember?
RENO: Yes.
NEVERMORE: How do you know?
RENO: Look, let me finish. I thought I could control it. I thought I was
strong enough. But I was wrong. This week I've had a major crash.. I've just
woken up, and not known where I am, or how I got there. It's.. my head was
hurting. I think maybe I banged my head, or somebody hit me with something.
And then I'd just been dumped in a skip. I woke up on the way to the dump,
and narrowly escaped a horrific crushing to death in their waste compacting
machines.
NEVERMORE: But to get back to my original question, how to you know you've
been drinking longer than you remember, if you don't remember it? How do you
know you haven't been drinking for exactly as long as you can remember?
RENO: It's not important!
NEVERMORE: I'm only trying to help. So you'd been hit. Someone had.. do you
think someone tried to kill you, in light of what happened to you?
RENO: Maybe, but I can't think why. But then I can't really remember any of
the events of the last few weeks.
NEVERMORE: Can you not remember anything? Don't any names or images shine
through?
RENO: No.. just.. yes, there's this sort of laugh. Like an evil laugh. But I
can't place the accent... who could it have..
NEVERMORE: Now let's talk about my experience! I started off on the milder
stuff, like so many before me. Just cans of beer from the fridge, and then
from other people's fridges, when I ran out. It wasn't enough for me,
though. I moved onto stronger stuff. Whisky. Vodka. I know a chemist who
supplied me with pure ethanol in return for services. Toilet Duck, I'm sure
we've all been there. Then I was just drinking anything I could get my hands
on. I was more animal than man. It was, by far, the best birthday party I
had ever had.
RENO: What!? That's ridiculous! I don't believe you.
NEVERMORE: What, you don't think I can hold my drink?
RENO: You said it, not me.
NEVERMORE: Shut up! You make me sick. If you don't want this memory thing to
happen, you should stay off the shandy!
RENO: I take that personally!
NEVERMORE: And what are you going to do about it?
RENO: What do you suggest?
NEVERMORE: A drinking contest!
RENO: Done!
NEVERMORE: I'll.. h've.. 'nother.. one...
BARMAN: Now hold on there, Nevermore. I think you've had enough.
NEVERMORE: No' this old cliché... jus' serve.
BARMAN: Okay, okay.
RENO: 'n.. 'n.. 'n I've 'nother'n too..
BARMAN: What?
RENO: I.. I h've 'notherun too.
BARMAN: I huve nutherun two?
RENO: C2H5OH, damn it!
NEVERMORE: Not bad.. you ha.. drun' enough.. to kill a h'rse..
RENO: So.. did.. you..
NEVERMORE: An' you're no.. not even swaying..
RENO: Nor you..
BARMAN: Actually, you both are. With equal frequency and amplitude.
RENO: W'not! (falls off stool) NEVERMORE: 'm flying!
RENO: Ow.. my.. leg?
BARMAN: Arm. Hasn't either of you won yet?
NEVERMORE: N.. n.. n.
BARMAN: No? When does it end?
NEVERMORE:(recites) Cont'st is t' be end'd by clos..ing time.. or f't'lity.
BARMAN: Fatality, or fertility?
NEVERMORE: ..One or oth'r.
BARMAN: You only have ten minutes.
RENO: Need 'nother! Wha's spec.. specia.. good?
BARMAN: Well, there's the tequila mockingbird.
RENO: Yeea'..
NEVERMORE: Get.. up.. or.. y.. you.. lose.
RENO: 'm gett'n' up.
BARMAN: No, that's Nevermore sliding down in his stool.
NEVERMORE: H've.. to.. go.
RENO: Wh.. wh..
NEVERMORE: "Wha'"?
RENO: N.. wh..
NEVERMORE: "Whe'"?
RENO: Wh..
NEVERMORE: "Wh'"?
RENO: Y.. yea.. unh.
NEVERMORE: H've to.. go to.. 'nt'r'view.
BARMAN: You need to pay.
NEVERMORE: Re.. Re'o'll pay. W'n't you?
RENO: Huuhh..
NEVERMORE: Thas'sa yes. 'Bye...
SCHOONER: Ah, do come in.
JIM: Why have you called me here..?
SCHOONER: To discuss your appearance.
JIM: Look, when I hired you I thought I made it clear...
SCHOONER: When you hire a make-up artist, you can't expect her to not do her job!
JIM: When you're a make-up artist you can't tell your employer what to do.
SCHOONER: Nonsense. Now, sit down.
JIM: No.
SCHOONER: SIT!
JIM: I'll sit in your chair, but I won't take your advice.
SCHOONER: Now, just what the hell are you doing with your hair?
JIM: Nothing. I don't bother it and it doesn't bother me. We're both happy.
SCHOONER: You can't go on camera looking like that!
JIM: Why?
SCHOONER: Because it sends out a bad image.
JIM: It sends out the CORRECT image.
SCHOONER: Look, I have to improve your looks. And I'll do it, or my name isn't Schooner Fling!
JIM: Your name is whatever I tell you it is. It's up to me whether you get paid.
SCHOONER: But you look a mess.
JIM: Well, why lie?
SCHOONER: Oh, please let me change you.
JIM: No. It's enough that I have to wear a stunt T-shirt that shows up right on camera.
SCHOONER: Well, what was the point of hiring me, then?
JIM: Well, to be honest, it was just going to be a way of getting at Yud.
ESKIMO: Are you Schooner Fling?
SCHOONER: Yes, I am. And you are?
ESKIMO: I'm Eskimo.
SCHOONER: And what can I do for you?
ESKIMO: Make me look like a zombie!
SCHOONER: A zombie?
ESKIMO: Yeah, with all the flesh hanging off and that.
SCHOONER: Why?
ESKIMO: For the filming!
SCHOONER: But wasn't your character killed off about twenty parts ago?
ESKIMO: Yes, and that's why I need to look like a zombie.
SCHOONER: But you're not in any scenes.
ESKIMO: I need to be in rôle, though.
SCHOONER: I don't see the point.
ESKIMO: Have you got anything better to do?
SCHOONER: ...Sit down.
EDGE: Quick, Nevermore's on!
ESKIMO: On what?
CHO': On television. Remember, that's why filming's been held up for the past week. That's why I haven't been paying you.
YUD: Oh, I remember now.
JIM: He has a lot to answer for. Anyway, why are they interviewing him about his life all of a sudden? I could understand it if he was a big star, but...
YUD: Yeah, why not any other one of us?
ESKIMO: It's because Nevermore is old.
EDGE: Quiet, it's starting.
INTERVIEWER: So how did you come to be where you are today?
NEVERMORE: I.. w'll, 'n th bgn'ng th w'r lt f' afg'ndl, s' wn th dr'nn cm, Iw'r fn'd wn i wn s'd'ws, th wn' f n'd c'rrd a cabbage of startling proportions... L'tr f'nd ms'll n j'nn'g, wh'r th pg'm of'n a'tk, rf'rnt'llar rn'd the rounder ones were the worst. P'snly, th'gt th wh'n i' w'n dwn c'zee, t r'r'ge p's'de, b't the biggest problem was the snails. Th'n tr'vl'g ou't'he gr'dn b'ck t' 'm'rca, um.. heh heh.. It.. ha ha ha! Th'.. th'... ha ha.. th' wn'g'l w's n'rk'lf'ng! Ha ha! Uh.. eh'mr'fn.. ran for miles, but it was.. th' wn' ev'n't'll.. I turned in time to see her... th' mr'tr fall'g, th' h'r'r'r, shouted "Stop! Stop!" But.. th' r'n'g dr'pps, f'edy ar'nd, 'n... it was too late. Um, w'nt bck d'y lt'r, f'nd th' rm'ns, n' b'rid.. w's t'rrb'e, 'nd I'm afraid.. at the time, I was very, very drunk.
JIM: That's the most moving thing I've ever heard.
(The others stare.)