We've all heard the furore, palaver and tumult about Pokémon in the United States. However, the fact remains that American people who complain are invariably stupid, and should not have the authority to think their own thoughts, much less speak them. Clearly, a more objective view is necessary. Namely, mine. For many years now, I have been the sole source of unbiased opinion in this world; my omnipresent, omniscient, omnivorous eye turning to such widely varied subjects as Bill Gates, ("he is Satan,") football, ("an hour and a half of 22 morons running around a field in pursuit of a bladder,") and the USA ("rubbish, cheat in all wars, stupid, fat, ugly.")
Pokémon has always struck me as something rather silly. The name is really quite odd, for one thing. It sounds like a distorted version of Pacman (as do the in-game sounds - ahaha!) It's supposed to be short for "Pocket Monsters," but this is clearly an untruth. Examining the word, I concluded that it could only be an abbreviation of "Pockét Monsters." What is a Pockét? I'm not certain. However, in a world in which people have difficulty spelling simple words like "flagellation," this sort of overcomplication is rather inconsiderate.
There are many aspects to Pokémon, the primary one being the Gameboy game, as it is this which spawned the spinoffs in the first place. Bizarrely, few people seem aware that the game came first, but such is the power of ignorance. The game itself is, for want of a better word, a disgrace. The graphics are mediocre, the sound is abysmal, and I find it completely unappealing. Pokémon is a good concept. Why did they destroy it by making it so limited? I would like to be able to see the little creatures' expressions as they violently clash; hear their agonised screams as one Pokémon draws blood and scatters fine red mist at the camera. Instead, we are treated to some wiggly lines emanating from the beast's neck, and a wimpy "fnurggg" noise. Pathetic. Of course, there now exists an N64 game in which the Pokémon are animated in more detail - three dimensions, no less - but although I haven't seen it in action, it still fails to grab me. The rampant levels of complacency, in a franchise which will happily release several completely identical games with different "colours" and watch gleefully as nine-to-twelve-year-olds force their parents to part tearfully with their hard-earned wage packet, just seem to fill me with apprehension.
Onward, then, to the trading cards. I remember when these kind of things were all the rage, back in the 80's. It still seems pathetic and pointless. These are children who can tell you Gastly's defence rating without batting an eyelid, but are stumped by more complex questions such as "What is the capital of England?" ("Is it rivers?") Fortunately, unlike the game, the cards are easy to stamp out. Simply locate a group of the vacuous little morons, busy comparing their Wigglytuffs, and then ruthlessly knife them, stealing their precious cards. The cards will quickly be banned in your school, and the ensuing expulsion and prosecution will be a small price to pay.
Now we come to the actual cartoons. The TV series has some of the right elements, but falls down on several counts. For one thing, you're hardly left rooting for the protagonist. I personally found myself wanting to drive red-hot kebab skewers into his eyeballs. By far the best characters in the whole thing are Team Rocket, the main antagonists, which means watching the programme is hardly a rewarding experience. The wrong side keep winning, due to a combination of luck and idiocy. My other main complaint is that the animation is absolutely abysmal. Pokémon is the most lazily produced programme I have ever seen, and that includes the 11 o'clock show. Every episode consists of about 30% new animation, and the rest is just recycled footage of Pokémon leaping about. The animation itself is indolent to almost surreal extremes. In cities, people in the background stand frozen mid-stride. People walk by either bobbing up and down a bit (in the foreground) or by being wobbling blobs (in the distance.) While one person speaks, everyone else stands motionless, their eyes presumably drying up due to their failure to blink. The film is no better. Evidently, from what I've read, it evidently falls at the same hurdles. And there's even less of Team Rocket, so clearly any possible shred of goodness has been destroyed. The only good point about the film is that it will attract vast congregations of Pokémon fans, ripe for saturation bombing.
Pokémon has been accused of corrupting the minds of children, and I will now examine this claim. Clearly children will learn a distorted version of natural history from Pokémon, coming to believe that all creatures in the world hatch from eggs, speak their own name, and periodically morph into an entirely different species. Darwinism will be confusing when introduced at a later age, and children's science marks will be dragged down, (resulting in less future competition for careers in laboratory work, which can only be a good thing.) Animal cruelty is seen as standard in the world of Pokémon, and instead of being regulated, it is actively encouraged. If I went around capturing animals, trapping them in tiny spheres and forcing them to fight each other, I would be arrested (unless they were hamsters, for which this is of course standard procedure.) Kids will get an insane impression of religion, as they watch wild Pokémon chant at the moon in sinister paganistic rituals (although children have always been indoctrinated with their parents' religious stance in any case, only breaking free at a later age.) Finally, the society of tomorrow are growing up with a twisted impression of law and order. The police force in the world of Pokémon is a complete mockery. There is only one officer in every city, and police brutality and incompetence are rampant. I would go so far as to suspect corruption and victimisation. Ash is forgiven for hunting in a Pokémon preserve because he "didn't know it was illegal," whereas Team Rocket's hot air balloon is shot down on the basis that "it's Team Rocket, they must be up to no good."
So, what must be done? Clearly, revenge is in order. Few will escape my judgement. Only Team Rocket and Brock (for being the most dodgy and potentially confusing-to-nine-year-olds-in-a-bad-sense character) get off with a mere warning. Ash, however, must die a slow and painful death. I haven't decided exactly how, but I'm pretty certain that the words "flayed," "rabid," "white-hot" and "chipmunks" will be involved in some way. As for the Pokémon themselves, they must be sacrificed to the gods of merchandise and sold as useful household products. (For example, Jigglypuff = useful insomnia remedy/basketball.) Pikachu was going to suffer the most, or so I thought. It looked stupid. When I told someone it just seemed to be some kind of electric mouse, I was told that that is what the game actually defines it as. Pikachu has the kind of face you need to slap, and I was seriously considering sentencing it to be insulated, and fed until the buildup of negative charge caused it to violently oxidise, vanishing in a cloud of bloody vapour. However, after seeing Pikachu do a passable impersonation of Bulbasaur, and especially after seeing the episode where all the wild Pikachus give the Nazi salute, (it was so endearing,) I have decided to let Pikachu off. It will instead be marketed as a rechargeable battery/punchbag.
As for Nintendo, creators and licensors of Pokémon, I would like to believe that they would stop their cynical and lazy saturation marketing, but that's really the stuff of a fool's delusions. Nintendo will continue to market substandard Pokémon merchandise because stupid people will continue to buy it. I can't hope to battle big business. Instead, I hope to rid the world of stupidity. This will involve force, and a lot of people will have to die, but then, life is not a right. It is a privilege.
