LIQUID: Okay, so we want world domination, a billion bananas, and the fear of countless people from war-torn nations. What'll we do?

WOLF: Give 'em pie?

LIQUID: Naw, too bland.

MANTIS: Kill 'em all off?

LIQUID: But then we'd get the negative attention of dictators.

RAVEN: Grar!! Raven smash!!

LIQUID: Too "X-Men".

OCELOT: (brightly) I know! We could hold the world hostage using the ultimate nuclear weapon while trying to blackmail the Whitehouse into giving large sums of dough and a vaccine for a highly contagious and deadly virus! No one will be the wiser!

MANTIS: Get realistic here, man!

OCELOT: Right. Needs work.

LIQUID: We need an idea. A good idea. A good, fresh, and original idea…

WOLF: Hmm…we could try brain-washing?

LIQUID: Yeah, that's a start. How do we do it to people world wide?

WOLF: I dunno. What's something people are digging right now? Teen idols, music, television, Internet…

OCELOT: Nah, the WB channel got that.

WOLF: Maybe some sort of an evil corporate empire we can get involved in?

LIQUID: That's…that's BRILLIANT!

OCELOT: (muttering) I still like my idea better.

LIQUID: But who? And how?

WOLF: I've got it! Gentlemen, get a helicopter, a jar of mayo, a spoon, and set our destination to…Seattle, Washington…!

[We see RABID CHOCOBO, standing in the foreground. Behind her is seated SOLID JIM, RUFUS, and EDGE. They are hunched over a small desk drawing and scribbling, SOLID JIM being the main penciler.]

[RABID CHOCOBO holds a big wicked axe.]

RABID CHOCOBO: Ah, hello dear readers! I'm Rabid Chocobo, your neighborhood artist and not-so-friendly writer-slash-axe-murderer. But don't tell the FBI.

EDGE: Not to mention Tifa Lockhart-slash-Lara Croft-slash-Daria-slash-Ayame (Tenchu)-lookalike! Hoo ha!

RABID CHOCOBO: Shut up, perverted freak!

SOLID JIM: (looking up from his work) (speaking in an uninterested tone) I am Solid Jim. As you can see, we are miserable freelance comic book artists.

EDGE: The pay's not as good as the syndicate, but we're happy. For every 10,000 copies we sell, we get a shiny new quarter!

SOLID JIM: (pessimistically) Ain't that the life?

RUFUS: Our latest project is about a monkey wearing a hat, running around screaming "Beware of Sox Pie!!". Pretty ingenious, dontcha think, Edge?

EDGE: Quite. It's kind of based on our good friend Eskimo.

SOLID JIM: Hey, where is Eskimo?

RUFUS: Chocobo sent him to go buy some Chinese take-out, but I have a feeling that he's probably harassing the locals in the park by now.

RABID CHOCOBO: Shut up!! Get yer goddamn butts movin' on that goddamn book so we can catch up on the goddamn deadline!!

EVERYONE: Yes, ma'am!! (they scramble back to work)

RUFUS: Ugh. I'm a president, not a comic book artist.

SOLID JIM: You're just cranky 'cause you were forced to work here.

RUFUS: Shut up. They said it's good for the polls. Well, I &%^$'in screw the polls!!

EDGE: Settle, Rufus, settle.

YUD: I've done it! I've done it! Guess what I've done! I've invented a lightbulb that plugs to the sun…! Well, no not really, but it's a lot better though.

SOLID JIM: Been letting Yuddy into your Shel Silverstein books again?

RUFUS: Uh, no.

EDGE: Uh-oh. Another one of Yuddy's ill-famed inventions...better get the bandages.

YUD: Har har. You're a regular wise-ass, Edge. Ya know that? (reverts his attention back to the invention) This one is sure to work!

RABID CHOCOBO: Last time you said that, the toaster grew legs and I had to hack it to death with my axe.

SOLID JIM: (sarcastically; taking off his hat) Aye, it was a good toaster, it was. Never failed to make good toast...

RUFUS: Aye.

RABID CHOCOBO: Did I tell you two to get movin'?!

RABID CHOCOBO: So, what's the thing do?

YUD: It's a mini KJ-link. It's able to let us teleport ourselves into different worlds and zones. Careful, it's extremely powerful, and can take all of us with it, wherever it goes...

RABID CHOCOBO: Spiffy. So, like, I could go into some French kid's computer right now?

YUD: Maybe.

RABID CHOCOBO: Or like, say, Solid Jim's bathroom?

YUD: I wouldn't go that far, but yes. Of course, it hasn't been tested, so chances of it working correctly is...

RABID CHOCOBO: Fergetit. I don't wanna hear it. Let's just finish this book on time so we can get paid this month.

SOLID JIM: The book's finished pencilin', Cho'.

RABID CHOCOBO: Cool. Looks like we got the rest of the day to ourselves. Who wants to play that new game I got. "Metal Gear Solid" anybody?

RUFUS: Can't.

RABID CHOCOBO: Why not?

RUFUS: Mongoose is on it.

RABID CHOCOBO: What, that weirdo? He can't even talk! Just force him to get off.

RUFUS: Fine. Be my guest.

RABID CHOCOBO: Hey, 'Goose, get off the PlayStation. We wanna play.

MONGOOSE: ...

RABID CHOCOBO: Well? Are you gonna move your butt or do I have to do it?

MONGOOSE: ... ...

EDGE: Oh, I can't watch what's coming.

SOLID JIM: God rest the poor woman's soul...

RABID CHOCOBO: Okay, you asked for it, buddy. Either get up, or I'll make you!

MONGOOSE: ...grr...

MONGOOSE: ...grrr...

RABID CHOCOBO: (beats him on the head) Kya ha ha!! (thinks for a second) Crap, I sound like Rufus' ex-girlfriend Scarlet now. Damn.

ESKIMO: Hiya, fellahs. Sorry if I'm late, but I couldn't help but stop by the park to scare the resting retirees. Anyway, I got the food, and I --

EVERYONE: Look out!!

ESKIMO: (goes into another one of his 'fits') Ahh!! The end is near!!! Beware of the Sox Pie!! (ducks behind a desk)

YUD: Thank God they didn't get my KJ-link. I would've...

SOLID JIM: Damn, sucks to be you.

YUD: Crap.

SOLID JIM: Argh! My skin! I can't feel my freakin' skin!

EDGE: So...THIS is what death feels like...

RABID CHOCOBO: D-dammit, M-mongoose! I-if it h-hadn't b-b-been for y-you and that s-s-stupid h-hissy fit you threw...

MONGOOSE: ... ...?

RABID CHOCOBO: D-d-d-d-d-d-d...!!

RABID CHOCOBO: F-f-f-f-f-f...!!

RABID CHOCOBO: !!!

EDGE: P-people, if w-we're g-gonna k-keep a-alive, t-then we g-gotta s-stay w-w-warm.

RUFUS: H-how?! W-we're in t-the m-middle of nowhere!!

OLD GUY: What the hell are you kids doing out here?! Can't you see there's a freakin' snowstorm coming?! What're ya, stupid?! Get inside for the love of Christ!

OLD GUY: Now, kindly explain to me who you are, how you got here, and why you were outside.

SOLID JIM: Uh, we're comic book artists.

RUFUS: We got in a fight over a game.

EDGE: Rabid Chocobo and Mongoose started the fight.

RABID CHOCOBO: I conked him.

MONGOOSE: ...

RABID CHOCOBO: And now we're here.

OLD GUY: Ha ha! That's the damnedest load of bull I've ever heard!

OLD GUY: You know, I can very well have your head for trespassing on military boundaries...

EVERYONE: *gulp*

OLD GUY: ...But, if you do one little thing for us, we'll drop the matter.

RUFUS: That being...?

OLD GUY: You gotta stop a terrorist attack.

SOLID JIM: Alright, you got yerself a deal, old guy!

OLD GUY: Shut up, punk. You will address me as Colonel Campbell, got it?!

YUD: (jumping up; thinking about his invention) IT WORKED!!

RABID CHOCOBO: Hoo boy. There goes Mr. Ego.

EDGE: (turning to Campbell) Wait, don't you have professional spies for this?

CAMPBELL: Yes, but we are very short on money. Besides, your friend there is a hottie.

RABID CHOCOBO: WHAT?!!

CAMPBELL: What, can't take a compliment?!

RABID CHOCOBO: Why you... I outta…

CAMPBELL: Shut up. We'll provide all the gear and supplies you'll need. Take this and go get dressed.

SOLID JIM: So, Cho', what guns are you gettin'?

RABID CHOCOBO: My axe. And uh, a brick.

SOLID JIM: *shudders*

EDGE: I'm bringing a Desert Eagle.

RUFUS: That wicked thing?! You're gonna poke somebody's eye out with it!

EDGE: Gad, it's a gun. It's not like I'm gonna use 'em like scissors. ...Not that it's a bad idea...

ESKIMO: Heh heh...

RABID CHOCOBO: Hey, Eskimo, what're you bringing?

YUD: Eskimo's bringing along some bubblegum, rubberbands, a rubber chicken, a 'blankie', Kleenex, old comic books, a Game Boy, broken cell phone, blue Bic ink pens, a box of crayons, and some sticks of dynamite.

SOLID JIM: Er, right. What about you, Yud?

YUD: A Nikita launcher, Stingers, a .45 caliber, grenade launcher...

RABID CHOCOBO: Cool. I think we're all ready to go.

[CAMPBELL enters.]

CAMPBELL: Kids, I forgot to tell ya. You're getting some back up, just in case something goes wrong.

SOLID JIM: So who's coming.

NEVERMORE: Hi. Is this the Peanuts gallery?

CAMPBELL: Now, if you all will just head down to the briefing room down the hallway, we'll start the mission briefing.

CAMPBELL: As you can see, terrorists have taken control of Shadow Moses Island, and are threatening the White House.

EDGE: So? When ISN'T the White House threatened?

CAMPBELL: Shut up, kid, or I'll come over there and plant my foot in your mouth. Anyway, they are making some pretty far-out demands.

RUFUS: What, do they want some war legend's remains?

CAMPBELL: No, they want all PlayStations revoked and replaced with Nintendo 64s.

SOLID JIM: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-ooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

RUFUS: Good Lord, Jim, take a breath before you pass out!

SOLID JIM: (inhaling) EEEEeeee-HUUUUUUU-uuuuh...!!

CAMPBELL: Not only that, but they also want one more thing...

YUD: Oh boy, I can't wait to hear this one.

CAMPBELL: Actually, I don't really know. All I really understand is that it's bad. So go get 'im. You're first objective is to bust in un-noticed. Then you go rescue that wimp-ass DARPA chief. Then a lot of stuff happens in between. I don't know why, but it just sounds cool. Okay?

YUD: Haven't the foggiest.

CAMPBELL: Good. Then you're all off! Oh, by the way, we couldn't afford submarines, so you'll be going in via air postal.

OCELOT: You're as good as they come, Snake, but I'm just getting warmed up!

EDGE: No you're not!

OCELOT: What the hell?!

SNAKE: What the hell is going on here?

OCELOT: Gah, get off you heathen monkeys!

OCELOT: Argh!! (doubling over)

ESKIMO: (for no apparent reason) THE END IS NEAR!! BEWARE OF THE SOX PIE!!

OCELOT: Optic camo! We'll meet again!

RABID CHOCOBO: (to the figure) Who are you?

NINJA FIGURE: I am like you...I have no name.

EDGE: Freaky...

SNAKE: Who the hell are you?!

NEVERMORE: Colonel Campbell sent us here to stop a terrorist attack.

SNAKE: The hell?! I thought he sent me!

YUD: Correction. He sent us.

BAKER: Hello? Is anyone gonna listen to me?

NEVERMORE: Wait, wait...are you tellin' us that Campbell purposely set us up like this?

EDGE: Maybe he thinks Snake's not good enough to be on his own.

SNAKE: What?! I'm plenty good!

BAKER: Hullo? Please, somebody listen to me. I think I've got a heart attack coming on...

YUD: We should call him and find out.

RABID CHOCOBO: Yeah, but either way we're stuck here and we can't go anywhere.

SOLID JIM: Who cares?! Let's just stay here and go on a killin' spree! The guards are all idiots anyway, and you know how much I hate idiots!

SNAKE: Fine. But we can't move around in a big group like this. Let's break up. Yud, Edge, Solid Jim, and Mongoose - you head for the Nuclear Warhead Storage Building. Rabid Chocobo, Rufus, Eskimo, and Nevermore - you guys come with me.

ESKIMO: Hey, guys, what am I suppose to do with all this extra dynamite?

RABID CHOCOBO: I dunno. Toss it somewhere, I guess.

ESKIMO: (mishears) Light it? Okie dokie.

SNAKE: You stupid motherless lawnmowers! Get down!!

NEVERMORE: What the hell are you doing?! We coulda been killed!!

ESKIMO: Heh. I tend to mishear things...

SNAKE: (muttering) I didn't think Roy was that desperate...

LIQUID: Freeze, Gates. We have you surrounded. Any sudden moves and your mince meat! Nyah!

GATES: Ack! Whatever you want, I'll quadruple it!

WOLF: Who the hell are you?

DAVE: I am MG DAVE, but you may call me Dave. Gates, my tenth cousin, and I couldn't help but recognize you from FOX-HOUND. If I may, will you allow me to join you in your conquest for world domination?

OCELOT: ?

LIQUID: I'm confused.

WOLF: Sigh. Yes, you may. Hurry along now, we haven't much time.

SOLID JIM: Geez, lookit all the guards.

EDGE: How're we gonna get through?

YUD: Simple. See our friend Mongoose here?

SOLID JIM: What about Mongoose?

YUD: Well, let's just provoke him so that he can...*ahem* You know.

EDGE: Excellent plan!

EDGE: Yo' momma so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house!

SOLID JIM: Heh heh.

YUD: Ha ha.

MONGOOSE: ...?!

EDGE: Jazz music sucks! The only people who listen to jazz crap are the retarded wolf boys like you!

MONGOOSE: ...grr...

EDGE: Yo' momma so fat, whenever she turns around it's her birthday!

MONGOOSE: !!!

EDGE: You so ugly, I hear when your momma kisses you goodnight, she wears a paper bag 'round her head! AH HA HA HA HA HA!!!

GUARD #1: You! Freeze!

GUARD #2: Yeah!

EDGE: AAHHH!! I'm sorry! Your mother's the prettiest woman I know! Jazz music is cool! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!!! AHHHH!!

SOLID JIM: That, by far, ranks as the funniest thing I have ever witnessed.

YUD: BAH HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

EDGE: (muttering) Oh, shut yer hole.

SNAKE: Looks like those rubber bands came in handy.

GUARD: Argh! My frickin' eyeball!!

RABID CHOCOBO: Now's our chance!

SNAKE: This is almost fun.

NEVERMORE: I think we should take this more seriously, folks. I mean, what if some guards find us and hold us prisoners?

RABID CHOCOBO: Oh, don't be so such a killjoy.

GUARD: ACKTH!!

SNAKE: Ha ha! This is so cool!

RUFUS: Good shot!

NEVERMORE: There's the elevator. Let's just get in.

SNAKE: Not yet. Eskimo, you keep shooting them guards. I gotta call this Meryl chick.

RABID CHOCOBO: Meryl...?

SNAKE: Yeah. She's suppose to be Campbell's niece.

RABID CHOCOBO: Meryl...?

SNAKE: Yes, Meryl.

RABID CHOCOBO: Hmm. Alright, then. I'll jus' keep guard with Nevermore. (rolls eyes)

SNAKE: What was THAT?

RABID CHOCOBO: Grr...

NEVERMORE: Um, hey, Rufus. What's the matter with your girlfriend there?

RUFUS: WHAT?! She's not my girlfriend! God forbid it if she were!!

NEVERMORE: God, sorry! Anyway, what's with her?

RUFUS: She's probably having one of her moods again. PMS, or whatever.

NEVERMORE: Oh.

RUFUS: Yeah, I would too.

YUD: Hey, how come there's one less tank in here?

SOLID JIM: That's you all over, Yuddy. Always the observant one.

YUD: Well I can't help it if I'm a million times smarter than you.

SOLID JIM: What?! I'm plenty smarter than you, Mr. Wise-ass!

YUD: Oh yeah?! Who's the one who wears an ugly T-shirt that says 'Moron Inc.' on it to a party?!

SOLID JIM: At least I don't take my sandwich apart and eat everything separately like at grade A nimrod!

YUD: You tryin' to be tough, smart ass?! Least I don't recite British TV quotes in my underwear in front of the mirror!

SOLID JIM: Oh, really?! I'm not the one pretending my pillow is my girlfriend every night!

YUD: Oh, that does it!

EDGE: That's enough you two. More guards are gonna come if you keep on with this.

SOLID JIM: No they won't. Thanks to Mongoose, the whole floor is empty.

EDGE: Oh. But that's not the point! Let's just move, okay?!

SOLID JIM: We need a level 5 card to get in.

YUD: (sarcastically) Ooh...all hail the almighty and wisdomous Jim!

SOLID JIM: Why, thank you. It's nice to be acknowledged by lowly minded dunderhead such as yourself.

EDGE: Will you shut up?! We have to find a level 5 card somewhere!

YUD: Maybe Snake has it.

SNAKE: Hey, Meryl, I got a different line coming in here. Hold a sec, will ya babe? (he switches over to the second line) What?

YUD: You got a level 5 card?

SNAKE: No. Let me ask Meryl. (switches over to Meryl) Hey, you got a level 5 card?

MERYL: Yeah. I'll open the door for you.

SNAKE: She says she'll open it for us.

YUD: Cool. Well, bye now.

RABID CHOCOBO: Well, now that our friendly little chit chat is over, let's mosey on up to the Tank Hanger?

NEVERMORE: Finally!

RUFUS: Zzzz...

NEVERMORE: Hey, Rufus, get up.

RUFUS: ZZzzz...

NEVERMORE: WAKE UP!

RUFUS: Hey, ow! I'm up! I'm up!

RUFUS: What the hell was that?!

ESKIMO: My 'calling' card. All superheroes got it.

NEVERMORE: You're suppose to leave it there, not hit the poor man in the face.

ESKIMO: I know, but I'm short on cash, so I can only afford one chicken.

SNAKE: Sometimes you kids make even me wonder.

RABID CHOCOBO: Is everyone okay?

YUD: Well, yeah. If you don't count the already deceased guards.

MONGOOSE: ... ....

SNAKE: (scanning the corpse littered room and then whistling) Whoa. Your handiwork?

MONGOOSE: (nodding) .... ...

RABID CHOCOBO: *ahem* The door's not opened yet.

SNAKE: I guess I can call Meryl and ask her why.

YUD: Meryl? Who's Meryl?

RABID CHOCOBO: (thinking) My new mortal enemy. (out loud) No one.

SNAKE: She says we'll have to wait a few minutes before it can open.

NEVERMORE: So, what are our next mission objectives?

SNAKE: Rescue some scientist dude.

RUFUS: What're we gonna do with a nerd?

RABID CHOCOBO: What's wrong with nerds? I'm a nerd!

SOLID JIM: Ah, what makes you think you're a nerd?

RABID CHOCOBO: Champion chess player, head of the class in Biology, PlayStation fanatic, comic book artist...why, the list goes on and on! So what? I like bein' nerdy!

RUFUS: You don't look nerdy.

RABID CHOCOBO: What, these thick glasses don't make me nerdy?

RUFUS: Yeah, but your other...attributes don't.

RABID CHOCOBO: Such as?

RUFUS: Er, ah... *blush* ... I mean, that is, um... (looks away) HEY LOOK! THE DOOR IS OPENIN'!

SNAKE: Alright!

NEVERMORE: Why'd you hesitate to answer her?

RUFUS: What, and risk being clubbed to death? No, thank you.

SNAKE: What the &%^$% do you think you're doin', you #@$%& woman?!!

RABID CHOCOBO: This room is rigged with infrared sensors. Who knows what may go off if we trigger one.

SNAKE: Oh. How'd you know?

RABID CHOCOBO: It's in the script..

EDGE: The script?! What script?!

RABID CHOCOBO: Nothing. There is no script. You knew nothing. You heard nothing…

EDGE: I knew nothing…I heard nothing…

YUD: So anyway, didn't Meryl know this place was rigged?

SNAKE: Hell if I know. Let's just move.

NEVERMORE: How? Chances are that some clumsy ass will trigger a sensor.

EDGE: Hm. I have an idea. Hey, Eskimo -

ESKIMO: What?

EDGE: (suddenly) THE END IS COMING! SAILOR MOON LIVES! LARA CROFT FOR PRESIDENT!!

ESKIMO: NOOO-ooo!!!

SNAKE: Well that took care of that.

SOLID JIM: Coooool.

SNAKE: Damn. Sure is cold.

STRANGER: Do you like scary movies...?

SNAKE: The f-!

RUFUS: What happened?

SNAKE: I just got a weird codec call from someone outside this base!

SOLID JIM: Musta been a mis-dialing. Nothin' to worry 'bout.

ESKIMO: Ack! I don't wanna die! I've still got debts to pay, girls to meet, and elderlies to harass!

SNAKE: Shut up and take cover!

RAVEN: Snake's don't belong in Alaska. I will not let you pass.

SNAKE: Oh yeah?! Tattoo covered steroid addicts like you don't belong either, and that's not sayin' much!

RAVEN: (Hulk-like) Grar! Raven smash!

SNAKE: (dodging yet another attack) Whoa. Almost took my head off there.

RABID CHOCOBO: Snake! Do somethin'!

NEVERMORE: Use the grenades! The grenades, dammit!

SNAKE: I ain't got no frickin' grenades!

RUFUS: Hey, Yud, don't you got some grenades?!

YUD: Just a grenade launcher, but no grenades. All I got is some Nikitas, some Stingers, a German machine gun, and...

YUD: What?

EDGE: Gimme that!

SNAKE: &%^$#$@!#^&*^&$^%$&#@!@~@@#$~!~#@$#^%$ !!!!!!

RAVEN: Grr...Raven no feel good.

SNAKE: (gasping for breath) About... *gasp* ...damn ... *gasp* ...time!

RABID CHOCOBO: (mockingly) Poor baby.

SNAKE: Shut *gasp* up.

NEVERMORE: Come on. We'll never get anywhere if we stand around bickering.

SOLID JIM: (snickering) Heh heh. 'Bicker'. Heh.

NEVERMORE: Shut up, you retard!

SNAKE: Whadaya mean I can't use my weapons?!

NAOMI: Have you forgotten? That's where they store the excess nuclear material. (thinking) Actually, this is just another way for me to get rid of you faster. Mwa ha ha! No weapons means a dead Snake!!

SOLID JIM: Hey, no problem, chums! My guns still work!

NAOMI: WHAT?! Who's there? Snake, is someone working with you?!

SNAKE: Uh, yeah. A couple.

SNAKE: She must not be feeling well. Oh well. Jimmy, you lead the way then.

[The sneak their way around some tight corners, when finally they are on the catwalk, where the patroling guard is walking in front of the elevator.]

SOLID JIM: (lets out a barrage of missiles from a Stinger) Argh! Kiss my arse and die!!

SNAKE: That's pretty cool.

RUFUS: (in the manner of those "Little Rascals" kids) And how!

SOLID JIM: That guards are walking pretty fast.

YUD: He's gotta go to the bathroom pretty bad.

EDGE: So who's gonna take him out.

RABID CHOCOBO: No me. No way I'm going to a guy's room.

EDGE: I nominate Solid Snake.

SNAKE: I'm not doin' it! That’s jus' plain evil!

YUD: Snake, come on. You're the only one who knows how to strangle around here.

SOLID JIM: So go already!

SNAKE: (shaking his head) No way. I've got my dignity too, ya know.

RABID CHOCOBO: Pleeeeasssey?

SNAKE: Oh, don't give me that look!

RABID CHOCOBO: Please? Do it for me? Please?

SNAKE: No.

RABID CHOCOBO: Pretty please? With lots of nutra-sweet on top?

SNAKE: (losing will) ...no.

RABID CHOCOBO: It'll make me cry if you won't.

SNAKE: (defeated) Fine. I'll strangle him. But just this once. For you.

NEVERMORE: That was hilarious!

EDGE: Heh heh.

RABID CHOCOBO: (blushing slightly) Oh, shut yer freakin' hole! I only did it 'cause Nevermore made me!

SNAKE: There. He's dead.

YUD: Good. Then this place is cleared. Let's split up and look for loot!

EDGE: Let's head down, shall we?

SOLID JIM: (whistles) Will you look at it go.

YUD: If I'm not mistakened, that's a T87-Ku98 model number 24-7mC radar. It only reacts when a something or someone injected with the same nanomachines is nearby, or...

RUFUS: (muttering to EDGE) Nerd.

YUD: (continues) ...or when the owner's heart rate is going at an unbelievable pace.

RUFUS: That's crazy. Why would his heart rate be so fast? We haven't been moving a lot and the only female member around is 'Cho!

SNAKE: Well, I uh...ah, that is...

ESKIMO: (in a sing-song voice) Snake likes Cho'!

SNAKE: (fuming) HEY, SHUT UP!

RABID CHOCOBO: (hasn't paid a smidgen bit of attention to what's going on) (singing to herself) One hundred bottles of beer on the wall, one hundred bottles of beer. If one of those bottles happened to break on Jim's head, ninety-nine bottle of beer on the wall.

EDGE: (whispering to RUFUS) He's stealin' your woman, man.

RUFUS: For the last freakin' time! We aren't goin' out!! I've already got a girlfriend, and it's Elena!!

RUFUS: Oh, damn.

YUD: You Shinra folks don't think much, do ya.

RUFUS: Shut up.

NEVERMORE: Well, the what if someone injected with nanomachines is here? I mean, that scientist is injected with it, isn't he?

SOLID JIM: Of course! That could be why!

SNAKE: Yeah. ...uh, that's it. Heh.

YUD: Well then, let's go.

ESKIMO: (turning red) MMMmmpH!!! (translation: My lungs! My lungs are gonna blow!!)

SOLID JIM: (ditto) MMmmMmppH!! (translation: So this is what death feels like…)

SNAKE: (fires a Nikita missle and frantically guides it past the cameras) !!! (translation: &%^$@$#%^$&^%*&@$#^%&*!!!!)

SNAKE: I...hate...this...freakin'...job...

EDGE: Must...breathe...Lungs...collapsing...

YUD: Whoa. It looks like what Mongoose did earlier.

EDGE: Only less grotesque.

MONGOOSE: ... ....

RABID CHOCOBO: Hey, do ya hear somethin'?

SNAKE: Sounds like trouble.

SNAKE: Hey! There could be helpless people in there!

SOLID JIM: Since when did you care about people?

EDGE: Since he talked with that Meryl chick, I guess.

RABID CHOCOBO: No, duh.

NINJA: ... ....

MAN: (praying out loud) Oh, hell Jesus! Buddha! I love you all! (sobs)

SNAKE: Keep your hands off that man, I need him!

SOLID JIM: Is it just me, or did that not come out right?

EDGE: Matrix? Ghost Matrix, is that you?

RUFUS: Hey it is Matrix! Good ol' Matrix!

MATRIX: Yeah. It's me. (unmasks himself) I needed some money after that Pikachu crashed through my house.

SNAKE: Huh?

MATRIX: (looking at RABID CHOCOBO) Heh heh...Hi, RC.

RABID CHOCOBO: Hi. Long time no see.

MATRIX: Comic book art just isn't my life. I would much rather prefer long walks down scenic beaches, cavorting in grassy fields, jumping around blowing things up like Keanu Reeves, and especially eating dirt.

RABID CHOCOBO: …

RUFUS: Your mom stopped sending you money, didn't she.

MATRIX: (looking down, in a low tone) Yes.

EDGE: Weird.

MATRIX: (looking up hopefully at RABID CHOCOBO) So...you still wanna go out with me?

RABID CHOCOBO: I'm already goin' out with Reno of the Turks.

MATRIX: (feelings hurt) Fine! Be that way! See if I care!

RABID CHOCOBO: Um...I'll just go stand guard is anybody needs me.

SNAKE: You gonna get out or what?

MAN: Is it over?

RUFUS: Hurry up, you big doofus. I gotta go find me some soldier chick.

SNAKE: So you're the chief engineer?

MAN: That is correct. My name is Dr. James Broome, but folks call me Broomey.

NEVERMORE: I take is that you're in charge of the whole Metal Gear Rex predicament?

ESKIMO: Psst. Edge, what's 'predicament' mean?

EDGE: Shu' up.

BROOMEY: (answering NEVERMORE) Yes, unfortunately I am. So, what're your names?

BROOMEY: Hey...your sound very familiar. (a moment of recallection) Oh my God! You're the guys who do that comic book "Frothing Monkeys"! Holy crap, I'd never thought I'd meet you!

EDGE: A fan?

SOLID JIM: We have fans?

ESKIMO: THE END IS - !!

SNAKE: We're looking for a woman around here...

RABID CHOCOBO: (calling from her post) Speak for yourselves!

SNAKE: She's about yay tall, red hair, and walks kinda funny.

BROOMEY: She's upstairs. I saw her kickin' some poor Britsih dude's nuts in.

RUFUS: Ouch. I saw Elena do that to Heidegger once. The poor man was hospitalize for weeks.

NEVERMORE: So I guess that now you've figure out that you've been duped, used, and suckered, you'll be helping us blow up Rex?

BROOMEY: Sure, why the hell not. I could use a little action. Who's your team leader?

SNAKE: That would be me. I think I'll split us up and look for Meryl.

YUD: Can we get new groups?

SOLID JIM: Please?

SNAKE: Solid Jim, Eskimo, Nevermore, Mongoose, and Rufus will be one group. Yud, Edge, Rabid Chocobo, Broomey, and I will be another group. Okay, split up.

EDGE: Hmm…Rabid Chocobo with Solid Snake? Again?

YUD: (likewise) How very, very odd…

SNAKE: (threateningly) I said, "split up"… I'll go back up to the first floor and you guys backtrack back to the cells where I found her.

RABID CHOCOBO: Um, Broomey? Are you okay?

BROOMEY: (dreamy-eyed) *sigh* ... ...

YUD: Boy, she sure gets that a lot, huh.

EDGE: I'll say.

SNAKE: Well, that's 'cause she's cool. She's got brains, she's good lookin', and she's a mean fighter. I mean, if she were a little older, I'd probably marry her.

YUD: Snake, everybody knows that you're gonna marry the first girl with big tits and a good ass that comes along.

SNAKE: That's the half-truth!

EDGE: Riiiight.

RUFUS: How the hell are we suppose to find this chick?!!

SOLID JIM: She was first found here wasn't she? So she must be here!

JOHNNY SASAKI: (making coffee) Doo dee doo.

SOLID JIM: Freeze! …heh heh… I've always wanted to say that.

SASAKI: Ack! Don't shoot! (notices) Hey, you're jus' a couple of unarmed nerds. (points his machine gun at them) Now, you freeze!

NEVERMORE: Damn.

RUFUS: I don't think so, Ex-Lax boy! See this? (he holds up a remote control) With this, I can call to me hundreds of Shinra guards!

SOLID JIM: But we're in a different dimension, remember?

RUFUS: … (slaps his forehead) Aw, crap! Well, in that case, I'll just resort to operation "Save-My-Ass" number 2.

NEVERMORE: That being?

SASAKI: Aaaarrgh!!

DARK NATIONS: GraR!! (translation: Ugh. I hate the soldier ones. Tastes like tang.)

NEVERMORE: The hell?! Where'd that freaky lookin' cat come from?!

RUFUS: He's not "freaky". He's my kitty cat, and his name is Dark Nations.

SOLID JIM: You had a cat follow us around in the vent shaft the whole time?!!!

RUFUS: Sure, why not? He might come in handy.

RUFUS: (all mushy an' stuff) That's a good kitty!

SOLID JIM: Who's the slut?

RUFUS: Ack! Oh my God, it's Scarlet!! Help me!! She's gonna try to rape me again!!

ESKIMO: Ewwww….

SCARLET: Kya ha ha! I've got you now! Now I'll show you why it's painful to dump me for that bitch Elena! Kya ha ha!

RUFUS: (running away, flaying his arms about) That's 'cause Elena never tried to rape me every two minutes!!

SOLID JIM: This looks like something that belongs on the Fox Network.

NEVERMORE: I'll say.

SOLID JIM: Hey, Mongoose, do somethin'.

MONGOOSE: …. …. (translation: Naw.)

NEVERMORE: What's it gonna do to her?

RUFUS: He hates her, so let's hope for the worst.

SOLID JIM: This is getting boring. (to SCARLET) Hey, Scarlet!

SCARLET: Shut up! When I'm done with Rufus, you're next! Kya ha ha!

SOLID JIM: Er…right. Listen, uh, I know a place where's there're tons of cute guys…cuter than us…

NEVERMORE: Huh?!!

SOLID JIM: Yeah, uh…they're, uh…um, er… (thinks of SNAKE and the others) On level B1 of the Nuclear Warhead Storage building. Heh heh…

SCARLET: Hmmm…

RUFUS: (in tears) Help me! Why won't anybody help me?!! *sob*

SCARLET: Alright, I'll go. But if nobody's there, I'm coming back for you. Kya ha ha!

RUFUS: (in mid prayer) …who art in heaven, hallow be thy name…

NEVERMORE: It's okay, kid. She's gone.

SOLID JIM: I only pray that the others will be okay.

NEVERMORE: That was cruel of you, Jim.

SOLID JIM: (grins) I know.

EDGE: I swear, I just saw Meryl run in there!

YUD: Me too. Heh heh…she looks so cute when she walks.

RABID CHOCOBO: (thinking) Perverts.

SNAKE: So….who's gonna go in and get her?

RABID CHOCOBO: Me?

BROOMEY: Well, you're a girl. And last time I checked, only girls can go into girls' bathrooms.

RABID CHOCOBO: Fine.

SOLID JIM: Cold medicine? What's this laying around for?

EDGE: Diazepam.

YUD: That's muscle relaxants. It's used to…

EDGE: Shut up.

RABID CHOCOBO: You're Meryl, right?

MERYL: Yes. Yes I am.

EDGE: What do you think they're talking about in there?

YUD: Probably important matters, like the terrorist attack and the mysterious deaths of the chief and the prez.

SNAKE: Probably.

MERYL: And you are…?

SNAKE: (stuttering) Um, I'm…uh, Brian. No, Chis…Wait. Bartholomew?!

YUD: His name is Solid Snake, and he is very please to meet you.

EDGE: Um, out of curiosity, what does the girls' bathroom look like?

RABID CHOCOBO: (mockingly) You don't know? There are giant leather couches, big-screen TV, DVD player, giant speakers, top-secret game consoles yet to be released, an expensive European candy vending machine, an all you can eat buffet complete with salad bar, collector item's toys worth billions of dollars…you name it it's there.

MERYL: You think girls just go in there to tidy our make-up and change tampons?

YUD: (actually believing) Wow!

EDGE: Psst…what's a 'tampon'?

SNAKE: Haven't the foggiest.

MERYL: (slaps her forehead)

BROOMEY: Hey, guys! The bathroom's got soap!

EDGE: Whoa, no way!

YUD: Um, where should we go to now?

MERYL: If you want to go to the Communication Towers, head for the Commander's room.

EDGE: Has anyone noticed why there hasn't been any guards?

MERYL: Yeah, I know. Snake, keep your guards up, and follow me when your ready.

SNAKE: (drooling) ….

MERYL: And stop looking at me like that!

SNAKE: Geez, sorry!

RABID CHOCOBO: Men.

MERYL: I'll say.

SCARLET: Kya ha ha! They were right!

SNAKE: Who the hell?

SCARLET: Kya ha ha! Which one shall I choose first?

SCARLET: Kya ha ha! Come to me, you hunk o' hotness!

SNAKE: What the -- ?!

BROOMEY: Oh gross! She's gonna rape him!

EDGE: Don't just stand there! Run for it!

SNAKE: Aaahh!!

MERYL: Hey, get offa him, slut!

RABID CHOCOBO: Yeah!

SCARLET: Piss off, you hussies! I'm busy!

SNAKE: Argh! Why…won't…this…bitch…come…off?!!!

RABID CHOCOBO: (raising her rusted pipe) Don’t…you…call…me…a hussy!! EVER!! (repeatedly hits SCARLET with it)

MERYL: Die, you double-D skanky ho, die!!

SNAKE: God, watch it!

RUFUS: The hell?!

NEVERMORE: I told you it'd come out like this.

SNAKE: (caught in the middle of the catfight) Will you shut up and GET ME OUTTA HERE?!! This Scarlet bitch is tryin' to rape me!!

DARK NATIONS: Growl!! Grar!!! (translation: Why do my owner feed me such crap?)

SCARLET: Aaah! No, not that cat again! I'm out of MP!!

RUFUS: That's a good cat! Here, have a kitty treat!

DARK NATIONS: Gracías.

SOLID JIM: Huh?

RUFUS: Oh, it's just shock. He gets that usually after he attacks her. It'll go away soon.

MERYL: Aww…poor Snakey-poo. No one's gonna hurt you any more…

SNAKE: So cold…why is it so cold…

YUD: It's Alaska, Snake. It's cold everywhere.

RABID CHOCOBO: I found your shirt, your shoes, your bandanna, but only one sock.

BROOMEY: Heh. You fought really well back there, Ms. Chocobo.

RABID CHOCOBO: Thanks, Broom.

BROOMEY: Broomey.

RABID CHOCOBO: Whatever.

BROOMEY: Heh. *blush*

MERYL: (raspy) Come on Mr. Fox-hound. The commander is waiting…

NEVERMORE: Um…I don't like the sound of that.

SNAKE: Do you have any logical explanations for her behavior, Nevermore?

NEVERMORE: Er…

SOLID JIM: (brightly) PMS!

SOLID JIM: Well, it could be…

RABID CHOCOBO: Shut yer &%^$ hole.

MERYL: Ugh! (she pulls out her gun and aims it at SNAKE) Snake…

SNAKE: Yes, Meryl?

MERYL: …Snake, do you…like me?

SNAKE: Wha?

MERYL: Snake…make love to me…

SNAKE: WHA?!!

RABID CHOCOBO: What in the Lord's holy name is going on?!

ESKIMO: Aaah!! THE END IS COMING! BEWARE OF THE SOX PIE!!

PSYCHO MANTIS: Ha ha ha! Now I will show you why I am the most powerful practitioner of pychokenesis and telapathy in the WORLD!

SNAKE: Oh yeah? If you're so great, try to guess something about me!

MANTIS: How 'bout the fact that your bed-wetting didn't get better until 5^th grade…?

SNAKE: ….um…

MANTIS: Your last three girlfriends broke up with you 'cause they turned out to be lesbians?

SNAKE: …er…

SNAKE: Shut up! None of you heard that! You hear me?! NO ONE!

MANTIS: Enough of this contemptible child's play. Woman, kill him!

SNAKE: Ack! I can't hit a girl!

NEVERMORE: Oh for the love of hell… (he pops out from under the desk) Okay, tell me this then.

MANTIS: What?

NEVERMORE: If 12 monkeys played RPGs and 12 other monkeys played fighters and each monkey played a game for 10 hours straight, stopping only 1 hour breaks every 5 hours, then how many monkeys are playing games?

MANTIS: …

NEVERMORE: Ha ha ha! You don't know! Ha ha ha! And you'll never know! You'll never find out for thousands of years! Bwa ha ha!!! It's an answer that I'll take to my grave!! Ha ha ha!! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!

MANTIS: *sniffle*

MANTIS: Hey…waitaminnit!

MERYL: Ugh. What happened?

SNAKE: Psycho Mantis dove into your mind, then you called me "Mr. Fox-Hound", then you tried to kill me with your gun, and then you told me to make love to you.

MERYL: (breaking out in sobs) Oh, Snake, I didn't mean it! (she cries on his soldier) That is, unless you meant the "love" part…

SNAKE: Ah, I think I'll go now. Yeah. (hurries off)

EDGE: I guess we'll head for the Communications Towers now?

SNAKE: Yeah. Help me push this bookcase, will ya?

MERYL: Are those… *gulp* wolves?

SNAKE: (all professional like and the sort) Wolf dogs. Half wolf, half huskies.

MERYL: Ah. Hey, um, where are the others?

SNAKE: I dunno, but…

SNAKE: Hey there!

SNAKE: Good natured thing for a wolf dog.

MERYL: Snake…?

SNAKE: Aahh! The damn motherless bastard is humpin' my leg!

SNAKE: I don't feel well…

SOLID JIM: Um…Snake?

EDGE: Oh, gross.

SNAKE: SHUT UP!!!

MERYL: This place is mined. I'll take point again.

SOLID JIM: Ah, hello? Um, the radar's not working.

RUFUS: I have an idea. (very loudly) HEY!!! "THE MATRIX" SUCKS!! LONG LIVE "ALL MY CHILDREN"!! BARBIE DOLLS RULE!!

SQUALLID: Who said that?!!

RUFUS: Some guy across this mine field. Uh, he just ran away. I think.

RABID CHOCOBO: …

MERYL: It's in my hair!!

RUFUS: Are you girls impressed?

MERYL: Ew, gross! No! Ugh, this will never come off my clothes!

RABID CHOCOBO: I thought it was cool.

YUD: Phtt. What does he have that I don't?

RABID CHOCOBO: He's the head of an evil corporate empire. Women love evil men.

BROOMEY: (to himself) Crap. I'll never be evil enough for Miss Cho' to like me…

RABID CHOCOBO: What was that?

BROOMEY: Nothing! Heh…I didn't say anything!

MERYL: Aaaggh!!

SNAKE: Meryl!!

ESKIMO: ACK! BEWARE OF THE SOX P --

SOLID JIM: …

EDGE: (all loud and dramatic) EEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSKKKKKKKKKKKKIIIIIIMMMMMMOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RABID CHOCOBO: NOOO-ooooo!!!!!! I….I…I LOVED him..!!!

RABID CHOCOBO: Well, I'm only doin' what Konami tells me to do...

RUFUS: Hey, I get it. They pay you if you mention something commercial! *ahem* Pepsi.

RUFUS: Awesome!

YUD: Bud.

EDGE: Weis.

SOLID JIM: Er.

SNAKE: ^$%#!! Will you guys QUIT IT?!!

MERYL: Go on living and don't give up!

SNAKE: Damn, if only I had a sniper rifle…

YUD: Hmm…Moogoose! You and I… (all dramatic and the sort) …to the Armory!

MONGOOSE: … ….

WOLF: Ha! I got the little witch!

WOLF: What? What is it now?

MG DAVE: Our monitors are showing that Snake has friends with him. He won't be coming out for a while.

WOLF: Crap. So what do I do? Kill the woman?

MG DAVE: No, of course not. She's the colonel's niece, and Snake cares for her. Besides, she's a choice ass.

WOLF: (threateningly) Liquid…

LIQUID: Sorry. I forgot that you were our "little feminist".

WOLF: You're a little dainty to be a girl yerself.

LIQUID: SHUT UP! Oh, now look what you made me do! I broke a nail!

WOLF: Get use to it.

LIQUID: I'll just send you some support to take care of the others. Nyah!

MG DAVE: One of these days…I'm gonna sock 'im.

WOLF: I want a raise.

MONTHORP: Howdy, ma'am.

WOLF: Huh? I didn't know we had another sniper.

MONTHORP: I ain't no fancy sunavagun snahper..

WOLF: What the hell?!

MONTHORP: Ah tink Konahmi tis on a taht budget. (he spits)

WOLF: Yeah, yeah, yeah…look, just run down there and take those guys out, okay?

MONTHORP: All o' dem city slickers varmints?

WOLF: Yes, all of them.

MONTHORP: Even da girlie?

WOLF: Yep.

MONTHORP: Whatever ya say ma'am.

MONTHORP: I is be takin' ya'all down to da Miss, ya'll hear me now? (spits) (he looks at RABID CHOCOBO) Howdy there, little lady. Sure is hotter than a whore's ass t'day, ain't it? I'd reckon your daddy is been a thief? 'Cause he stole dem twinkly stars an' put dem into yo' pretty black eyes dere. (spits)

RABID CHOCOBO: &%#$!! Inbread bastard!!

YUD: By the Gods, his ancestry of inbreded relatives have completely numb his senses!!

NEVERMORE: We're in a pickle here.

SOLID JIM: What's with the redneck?

SNAKE: Will somebody please think of Meryl?!

MONTHORP: Dat's it, ya'll city slickin' boogers! Big ol' Uncle Monthorp's gonna teach ya'll a lesson er two! Yee-haw!

EDGE: No! He's…too…powerful…!

RUFUS: Argh! His hillbilly stick of doom is crushing my vitality! I…don't think…I can hold…on…

MONTHORP: Yee-haw! Tis' mo fun dan marryin' mah fifth wife, 12-year-old sister Betsy!

SNAKE: You inbred…hick. I won't…give…in…

MONTHORP: Ha. Dat was easy. Now ah is be goin' back to Miss Wolfie now, ya'all hear?

WOLF: Excellent. Guards, take them away and lock them up. I think Liquid wants the tall one.

GUARD: Who doesn't he want?

WOLF: Whatever. Good work, Monthorp. Where is the female?

MONTHORP: She kicked me in da nuts, so ah knocked 'er unconscious. Darned rabble-rouser tried to skewer mah 'ead wit a rusty twig o' 'ers.

WOLF: Sigh. Oh well. As soon as those two come around, I'll take care of them. Monthorp, report to Liquid.

MONTHORP: Ah will, Ms. Wolfie. Then ah is gonna get some snifter cans a-poppin'. Dat'll warm me down some. (spits)

WOLF: Ugh, first British pansies and now American redneck hicks. I so need a life that doesn't rotate around zero-wits. Maybe that Sephiroth guy is single. (MONTHORP spits again) …And quit spitting before I bash all your remaining teeth in, dammit!

YUD: Easy…easy…just a little more…

MONGOOSE: …ugh… …

YUD: Don't touch the beams now…easy…easy…

YUD: YES!!

MONGOOSE: … … …

YUD: Yeah, I know.

MONGOOSE: …… …

YUD: I agree. So let's be quiet now.

MONGOOSE: … …. ……

YUD: Yeah, she is a hottie, ain't she? Too bad she likes that Rufus guy.

MONGOOSE: …?

YUD: Whattaya mean they were never goin' out?!

MONGOOSE: …

YUD: You mean she never had a boyfriend?

MONGOOSE: (shaking head) (retelling a story about her past dates) …. ….

YUD: Oh, poor guy. God rest their soul. Now let's give that gun a try.

GUARD: The hell?!

YUD: I've always wanted to hum that song.

GUARD: (shoving) Get in there and stay in there!

RABID CHOCOBO: (resisting) You commie bastards!! I'll kill ya!!

RABID CHOCOBO: (pulling on the bars) Urgh!! *pant, pant* Looks like we're not getting out for a while.

BROOMEY: …Do you think we'll ever be more than just friends…?

RABID CHOCOBO: (annoyed) Not the time for that type of discussion, Broomey.

SOLID JIM: Eww. These toilets are freakin' filthy. How the bloody hell am I suppose to survive in here?!

EDGE: Oh, shut the hell up. …And when did you say "bloody hell"?!

SOLID JIM: Yeah…when did I…?

EDGE: Sigh…

RUFUS: I wish I could talk to Elena right now.

NEVERMORE: I need a shot of whiskey. Or something high in alcohol.

RUFUS: Do you think my PHS would work in here?

NEVERMORE: PH-what? I don't know, but you can give it a try.

RUFUS: (dialing his PHS) Hello, Shinra HQ? This is the President. Yes, me again. No, Cid did not spike my coffee with Ex-Lax again. That bloody arse. I'll get him someday… Uh, anyway, please hook me up with the TURKS. And make it snappy, or I'll cut your paycheck by 15%! (waits a moment while some annoying "muzak" plays in the background) Grr… I told them to switch the radio station over to New Rock/Alternative. Oh, hi, Reeves. Yeah, it's me, Rufus. Listen, I got a problem. I told you, Cid did NOT spike my freakin' coffee with freakin' Ex-Lax! No, Vincent didn't put his red cape in with my white laundry either. Like I said, I got a problem. That's the thing, I don't know where I am. Alaska of some sort, on some island.

NEVERMORE: Shadow Moses.

RUFUS: Shadow Moses. Anywho, me and my associates are locked up and our chances of ever bustin' out are slim. So send those TURKS over, post haste! Yeah, whatever. Tell Elena and Rude to stay outta my room and my stuff, too. Bye.

NEVERMORE: What are TURKS?

RUFUS: They're kinda like my personal agents and they dress like the guys on X-Files, 'cept blue. Don't worry, we're in good hands… I hope.

Part 10

OCELOT: Now we're gonna make you talk, Solid Snake.

SNAKE: About what? I'm just a grunt, remember? I don't know diddly-squat!

OCELOT: Oh yes you do. How does that optic disk work?! I hear there's secret.

SNAKE: Do I look intelligent enough to answer that? No.

OCELOT: Fine, I'll just have to get out answers the hard way…

OCELOT: The hell?!

SNAKE: … *yawn* …

OCELOT: (pushes a few more buttons) What the %^#$ is with this thing?!!

SNAKE: … …

OCELOT: STUPID PIECE OF MONKEY CRAP!!! Liquid!! Raven!! I told you guys not to play that %#$@'in Tekken 3 on this thing! Now the battery doesn't bloody work and the freakin' motor's burned out!! (he stands there and curses some more) Ah, the hell with it. Just pummel the piss outta him with your gun, Wolf.

WOLF: Aye aye.

RABID CHOCOBO: *yawn*

BROOMEY: And that's why I started my career in science in the first place. Pretty dramatic, huh. Uh, Ms. Chocobo?

RABID CHOCOBO: *snore*

BROOMEY: Sigh…

NEVERMORE: It's been an entire bloody hour. When are these "professional" TURKS coming?

RUFUS: Probably out drinking again.

NEVERMORE: What the hell? How'd a storm get in here?!

RENO: Well, well, well…if it ain't poor little Rufy.

RUFUS: Shut your trap, punkass. Or I'm gonna cut your salary 20%.

RENO: Eep.

NEVERMORE: I take it you're the TURKS?

RENO: If you mean by "Men in Blue".

RUDE: (drunk) Ughr…*hic* I don'tsh feelsh goodth…*hic*

ELENA: Then yes.

NEVERMORE: What's with all that zapping noise?

ELENA: It's materia. We use it in addition to weapons.

RUFUS: Enough chatting, and let's get the others out.

RABID CHOCOBO: You took your time.

RENO: I know.

RABID CHOCOBO: Reno?!

RABID CHOCOBO: Bunny?!

[They quickly embrace, kissing each other madly.]

BROOMEY: (silently fuming) Grr…

SOLID JIM: Howdy-do, folks. Are we all together?

BROOMEY: (pointing at the smooching couple) They are.

SOLID JIM: What…

EDGE: The…

YUD: &^$%!!!!

SOLID JIM: &^$^#$!!! None of you guys touch 'er!!

BROOMEY: I love her!!

YUD: She don't deserve you, Turk-boy!!

RENO: Gah, help me!!!

RABID CHOCOBO: Okay, that's enough of that! Me an' Reno are goin' out and none of you can do *&%& anything 'bout it!!

SOLID JIM: So *ahem* where's Snake?

NEVERMORE: Captured.

SOLID JIM: Then let's look for him.

ELENA: Reno and I have cleared the entire floor.

RENO: (whining) I hurt…

ELENA: Shut up!

RUDE: (drunk) (holding a bottle cleverly - but poorly - concealed in a paper bag) *hic* Thish… *hic* ….thish is good beerth… *hic*

RUFUS: (slaps his forehead) I pay you people for this?!

EDGE: I think we've spent enough time talking. Let's go.

SOLID JIM: I agree. (flicks his middle finger out at RENO behind his back)

RUFUS: Thanks for going through the trouble of clearing out everything.

ELENA: Glad to help. We need to go back home now.

RENO: I can't feel my legs...

MONGOOSE: …… …….., ….! ……… … …….. ……….., …………., …..! …… ……,……. ,…"……."…. ………… !

SOLID JIM: So it's me, Rabid Chocobo, Edge, and you. And the other is Broomey, Nevemore, Rufus, and Yud. Okay, cool.

YUD: Superb planning, Mongoose.

MONGOOSE: …. ….. …

SOLID JIM: What's wrong with him?

YUD: I think he's got the common cold.

RUFUS: Sure looks a lot like the guy from before.

NEVERMORE: Huh? I thought your cat ate him.

RUFUS: Nah. He got away.

RABID CHOCOBO: How're we gonna take 'im out?

EDGE: We can't just walk up to him and shoot him. That'd alert others.

RABID CHOCOBO: What the hell?! Where's Broomey?

SOLID JIM: There he is! What a guy, he beat up the guard and let Snake out!

EDGE: How'd you do it?

BROOMEY: I kinda forgot I had optic camo. But, I got Snake out.

YUD: Damn, you look like hell.

SNAKE: That's because I was scheduled to be torchured. Turned out the machine broke, so Ocelot had Wolf beat the living shit outta me. Then, the second time around, the machine worked so I got torchured. After that, that Sasaki bastard sneezed on me, so I think I have the cold. So I sat in my cell, aching, lonely, cold, hungry, and with this rotting thing.

NEVERMORE: Here're your stuff. Get dressed and let's go.

SNAKE: Grr...

SNAKE: Huh?

EDGE: Look out!! It's a bomb!!

SNAKE: Ack!!

SNAKE: That was close.

YUD: Cooool.

RABID CHOCOBO: That was brave of you, Broomey.

BROOMEY: Heh. Yeah, thanks, Ms. Chocobo.

RABID CHOCOBO: Just call me 'Cho.

SNAKE: Ah…ah…ah-CHOO!! *sniffle*

SOLID JIM: Aw…is ums oos got the snifoos?

SNAKE: Shut up. Achoo!

YUD: You need cold medicine.

NEVERMORE: Wow. You're bright.

RUFUS: Call that Naomi chick for some advise. I think she'll help you.

NAOMI: What, you damn bastard?

YUD: Snake has a cold. You got any advise for now?

NAOMI: Try throwing yourself in front of a security camera, then go and drown yourself in ice water.

SNAKE: ….um, maybe later.

SOLID JIM: Here's some cold medicine I found earlier.

SOLID JIM: The bloody f*ck?!

RUFUS: This is odd. We're suppose to be in Metal Gear Solid.

NEVERMORE: Will somebody read their *^&% script?!! (sees a lone bottle of whiskey; he swipes it and shoves it into his pocket)

EDGE: Where's Rabid Chocobo..?

MOM: (in a sweet little-old-lady voice) Good evening, dearies. None you won't recognize me. And that's fine, dears. I am simply Davey-poo's mommy.

MOM: The authoress is taking a little break right now, so she asked me to fill in for her. The sweet little dear! (another sip; she looks off into someplace distant) Yes…little David was such an extraordinary child…I'm sure none of you would like to hear some of his baby stories, but…the hell with it. I'm in charge.

MOM: (shows a picture of baby SNAKE, naked) This is a cute little pic of Davie after birth. The nurses left him without a blanket for so long I thought he'd be in his birthday suit forever! *laughs* This is a picture of him being repeatedly trampled on into a pulp down at the Academy. And this is another cute little picie of him after he got beat up by first grade girls when he was six!

RUFUS: *snicker* Oh man, if only 'Cho was here…*cough* *snort*

SNAKE: Mommy…er, I mean, Mom? Whattaya doin' here? What're you guys starin' at?!

MOM: Oh, nothing. It's been seven years since you last visited, and I thought I might drop by unexpectedly. Just showing some of our nice little readers a few of those dear little pictures of you when you were a boy.

SNAKE: Geez, Ma, you didn't have to. What'd you show them?

MOM: Just the first two pages, or so…

SOLID JIM: HA HA HA!!! *snort, cough* HA HAH HA!!!!!

SNAKE: …….. …..

MOM: (sweetly) (waving) Bye-bye, now! And don't forget to visit your mother! …..or else.

MG DAVE: Did the guards get them?

WOLF: 'Fraid not. Some guy turned into a werewolf and killed 'em all.

MG DAVE: Oh. Did Liquid get them in his Hind D?

WOLF: No. A guy wearing glasses and a T-Shirt saying "Moron Inc." blew it up with a barrage of Stingers.

MG DAVE: Damn bloody hell. Where are they headed now?

WOLF: To the snowfield.

MG DAVE: Hmm…send Scarlet there.

WOLF: But she's dead?

MG DAVE: Then send a clone.

SCARLET: Kya ha ha!! Where're those hunks? (runs out the door and heads for the snowfield)

MG DAVE: I've got to go take care of a little business. You stay here and keep watch.

WOLF: Aye aye, Commander.

SNAKE: Sure is cold.

RABID CHOCOBO: (shivering) ….

BROOMEY: Here, 'Cho, you can have my coat.

RABID CHOCOBO: T-thanks, Br-broomey…

NEVERMORE: If we head north, we'll be inside.

SCARLET: Kya ha ha!!

RUFUS: NO!! OH, GOD NO!!!!

SOLID JIM: SHE'S BACK!!!

SCARLET: I'm back, Jimmy! Bleah, bleah! Back from the dead!!

YUD: AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RABID CHOCOBO: (thinking) *sigh* Time for another round of stomp-ass.

SCARLET: Kya ha ha! C'mere, Jimmy!! I said I was coming back for you!!!

SOLID JIM: (cursing in ten different languages) %$&$&*^(*&(&)(^$#!@@!###^%$^%@#$#^%%&*(*^^#$$#@#@^$%^$^$#^$&%*^(&(*&&%#@%#@^$&^)(Y*^&$@$#@%#^%$@#RETYR*%*^*&^*&OUY(*&**(^$%#%@R%)@@~!#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YUD: Can anyone actually cuss like that?

MONGOOSE: ….. ….. … ………. ..

YUD: I agree.

SOLID JIM: So….cold…

RABID CHOCOBO: (staring) …. … …

SOLID JIM: Shut up!!!!!

EDGE: (inspecting SCARLET'S body) The hell?!

YUD: Just as I expected. The life span of a clone is extremely short.

SNAKE: Clone?! You mean, THERE'S MORE?!!!

YUD: Possibly.

EVERYONE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RABID CHOCOBO: Mom was right…I shoulda been a doctor.

YUD: Hey, um, guys…?
SNAKE: (ignoring him) Ick. That bitch gives me the creeps.

RABID CHOCOBO: Who can blame ya?

YUD: Guys…

SOLID JIM: What?

YUD: Something's weird in my KJ-link.

SOLID JIM: What isn't weird with you?

YUD: %&$#@ freak….

SOLID JIM: What was that?

YUD: Nothin'! I didn't say nothin'!

SNAKE: What the hell is wrong with you guys over there?!

NEVERMORE: Yuddy and Jim…always the in conflict with each other. Gah, the hell with it all. I need a &%^$ drink!! (pulls out the whiskey bottle he swiped earlier and takes a shot)

SNAKE: Sweet! You smuggled in alcohol! (grabs it and takes a shot)

NEVERMORE: (getting drunk) Urp.

SOLID JIM: That's it. I'm sick of you messin' around with all that crap of yours. Gimme that, we're on a mission here!

YUD: Get your hands away from it, you &^$%# reject!

RABID CHOCOBO: …huh?

SOLID JIM: HOME!!

YUD: SANCTUARY!!

MONGOOSE: …!! !!!! !!! (joins in)

RUFUS: I'll never complain about the polls again! NEVER!! Hell, send 7,000 gil to 'em!

BROOMEY: So this is the office of a comic book studio…

EDGE: You want a job? You're hired. Go get me coffee.

RUFUS: (thinking) You all over, Edge…slave jockey.

RABID CHOCOBO: (takes a seat at her editor's desk) Ah, to be in the sweet, sweet control chair of supremacy. (phone rings) Y'ello? (surprised) RENO?! …er, I mean, Reno? Hi, sweetie. How're are ya? (all sweetly) I'm fine.

YUD: (muttering) *^%@$@#…

BROOMEY: (muttering) *^&%#$@!$$%#!!$#$^#….

SOLID JIM: (downright bursting it out) !@#$^%&*)*&*&$!%~!@%%# $$^^&*(%#!@#@!(*^*%^ *%*$#^#@$!$#@!saast$Q%#^%*$^$SDg&$&$!@eq4@!#^$ @$%#$^%#^%^* !$!@$U*GNFDGH^E*$#!@#~!#!$$%#$^ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOLID JIM: Well, he is.

RABID CHOCOBO: All right. It's a date. Pick me up at 7 PM sharp. Bye-bye! I wuv you too! (hangs up) (noticing the stares and silent fuming) @#%$!! Git back to work!! (throws that same brick earlier)

SOLID JIM: Yah!!

RUFUS: A date with Reno? Are you gonna kill him like what you did to the other guys?

RABID CHOCOBO: Whattaya mean "other" guys?

RUFUS: We know you killed 'em. The authorities jus' didn't find the bodies yet, so that why you ain't in jail.

RABID CHOCOBO: You wanna get fired? Then get back to work. I gotta go get dressed. (leaves)

BROOMEY: Why do you think someone as beautiful as Ms. Chocobo gotta go on a date with a scrub like Reno?

SOLID JIM: I don't know. But what I DO know, is that this is war…and we've got friends in high places…

Part 15

RENO: You're Solid Jim, eh?

SOLID JIM: Listen, you Shinra pest. (shoves him violently into the wall) It's James to you. You so much as lay a HAND on Chokie --

YUD: I'm gonna get the gas!

SOLID JIM: -- and I'll --

RABID CHOCOBO: Jim!! What the $%@# are you doin' to Reno?!!

SOLID JIM: (suddenly innocent) Me?

RABID CHOCOBO: C'mon, Reno.

RABID CHOCOBO: Sorry if Jimmy was a little rough on you. He gets overprotective of me sometimes. One time, when one of my past dates dropped me off at home, he and Yuddy jumped down from some trees, attacked him in his car, and made the poor man eat his own socks.

RABID CHOCOBO: Well, let's go!

RENO: …yeah.

SOLID JIM: Yuddy, you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

YUDDY: Does it include axes, guns, gasoline, flames, and other objects of destruction?

SOLID JIM: (nods)

YUDDY: Yep.

SOLID JIM: Ha ha ha!! Untrustworthy and EVIL!!

YUD: %#$@* right!!!

LEO: Please watch the language!

YUD: Shu'up, foo'!!

SOLID JIM: No more updates now, huh.

YUD: So who else is gonna help us with the mission?

SOLID JIM: Let's call this number I found in the yellow pages. (dials on the phone) Hello, I'd like to hire two of your most inexpensive assasins. Yes, they'll do. Thanks. (hangs up)

YUD: So who'll it be?

SOLID JIM: No clue.

SOLID JIM: Dammit, now the landlady wilr l know there are more than four people living here!!

YUD: Hey, didn't you die a while ago?

SQUALLID: I dunno.

SOLID JIM: (Mr. Burns-like) Excellent. Ah, anyway, what can you two do?

SERPENT: We're trained at being annoying…

SQUALLID: Grouchy.

SERPENT: Spiteful.

SQUALLID: Arrogant.

SERPENT: Immature.

SQUALLID: And egotistical.

SOLID JIM: Any specialties?

SERPENT: I can fit my fist in my mouth! (sticks it into his mouth and tries to get it out) ……… (it won't come out) Ah dawmut.

SQUALLID: And I can ride my kayak on solid ground and down the middle of the interstate!

YUD: Um, cool.

SERPENT: Ah cahnt geh mah fehst ouhtta mah muth.

SOLID JIM: Right. You do that.

SERPENT: … … …

BROOMEY: Hey! I'm coming with you!

YUD: You? Why?

BROOMEY: Well, I think it's my duty to protect the one woman I lo --

BROOMEY: (blushing) Ah, that is…uhm…I, uh…

SOLID JIM: Riiiight.

YUD: Anybody else wanna help?

NEVERMORE: I think my wisdom can elighten you somehow.

SOLID JIM: Yer in. Anyone else?

SOLID JIM: *sigh*

NEVERMORE: What restaurant are they going to?

YUD: The "Chateau de Food'e". I have the map.

NEVERMORE: That's not exactly French.

YUD: (shrugs)

SOLID JIM: Okay. (spreads the map out on the table) We'll go through the vent shaft. Serpent, Nevermore -- you two head for the kitchen and take out any suspected chefs with fake European accents. Squallid and Yud, you guys head for the ballroom. Remember, blend in to your surroundings. Dress impress. Broomey, you go into the ventilation shaft and smoke everyone out of the vacinity at my signal. I will sneak in and take out the waitor. I will then disguise myself in his clothes and then keep a more watchful eye on the two lovebirds. Got it?

YUD: Yep.

NEVERMORE: Understood.

SQUALLID: (suddenly loosing his conciousness) The bees…the bees…aaahhhh……

SERPENT: Ah stihll cahnt geh mah hahnd ouhtta mah muhth.

SOLID JIM: Serpent! Why the hell do you have your hand in your mouth!?

SERPENT: Ah've beehn trahying tah tehl yu.

YUD: Why didn’t you try to tell us?!

SERPENT: *sigh*

SOLID JIM: Yud, help him out.

YUD: Wait! I wanna try my new invention on him.

YUD: Hold still, now.

SERPENT: AAAAGGHGGGHHH!!! (immediately yanks his fist out of his mouth and runs off screaming)

YUD: What's eating him?

SOLID JIM: (shrugs)

Part 16

RABID CHOCOBO: Reno, I hate fancy restaurants. I hate dressing up, using table manners, and not allowed to speak like a frickin' barbarian.

RENO: Well, the drinks are nice.

RABID CHOCOBO: Dammit, Reno, why couldn't you have just taken to a Burger King, or some other %#$@ up crap?!

RABID CHOCOBO: I'm going to the lady's room.

YUD: This is the Nam Wonder calling British Glue. Do you read me? Over.

SOLID JIM: For the last bloody time, we don't need any codenames.

SQUALLID: Do not question the codenames!

SOLID JIM: Why you stinkin' little…

SERPENT: His codename is American Afro-boy, okay? And mine is Zippy.

BROOMEY: Mine is Bubo.

NEVERMORE: Nevermore is my codename. Eh, what the hell. Call me Al CoHolic.

SOLID JIM: But why is mine British Glue?

YUD: (shrugs) Uh-oh! She's headed out way! Split up!!

RABID CHOCOBO: Hmm. I coulda sworn I heard some familiar voices.

MEI LING: (in her high-pitched sweet accent) Oh, hello, Rabid!

RABID CHOCOBO: *mutter, mutter*

MEI LING: I never would've thought that I might run into you in the lady's room!

RABID CHOCOBO: *grumble, mutter*

MEI LING: Now now, don't be so boyish. Speak up and be like a lady.

RABID CHOCOBO: Ah, go blow yerself over, &%^$.

MEI LING: My, my. Being a tad touchy, aren't we? So, what brings you here? I thought you were a tomboy.

RABID CHOCOBO: I'm on a date with Reno.

MEI LING: Reno? From Shinra? Isn't he a little…old for you?

RABID CHOCOBO: He's two years older. Hey, isn't Snake a little old for you too?

MEI LING: Ha ha ha! You're so funny, I could just die!

RABID CHOCOBO: What'd I say? Did I make a joke? (thinking: Dizy whacko.)

MEI LING: I remember my first date! I asked him out before he could ask me, and I took him to my community church!

RABID CHOCOBO: You took your boyfriend out to CHURCH?! What kind of weirdo are you?!

MEI LING: Excuse me?

RABID CHOCOBO: Fergetit. It's probably like a wind tunnel in your so-called noodle anyway.

MEI LING: HOW DARE YOU!!

RABID CHOCOBO: (holding MEI LING'S hand, only a mere few inches from her face) Heh heh…you can't smack your own ass with that kind of slap. (twists MEI LING'S arm around her back) Say it!! Say your ^$%#'in sorry or I'll BREAK IT OFF!!

MEI LING: (squealing like a little girl) EEEeeek!! I'm sorry!! I'm sorry!!

RABID CHOCOBO: And I just came in here to take a damn piss.

Part 17

SOLID JIM: (thinking) Baby, I'm good.

CHEF: (bad European accent) What the --?! Excuse moi, missouire, but you cannot come in here! Get out, before I club you to death with ma ladel.

SERPENT: Yarg!! Die, terrorist scum!!

NEVERMORE: Dammit, Serpent! What the hell was that?!

SERPENT: I DON'T KNOW!!!

NEVERMORE: *sigh*

YUD: Any signs of them yet?

SQUALLID: Nope.

YUD: Well, keep your eyes peeled. They're bound to be in here sooner or later.

RINOA: Hey, you're the cutest guy in here.

YUD: Huh?

RINOA: *giggles stupidly* (thinking) Yes! He's falling for my pick-up line! (out loud) Wanna dance?

YUD: No. I have important business to attend to.

RINOA: Come on! I'm not gonna be the only one without a partner on the dance floor!

YUD: (thrashes) Gah! Let go, woman!

RINOA: PPPPPPPPPlllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssseeeeeeeeeeee????? I LOVE you SO much!! Tee hee!

YUD: ˆÐ mÁ m¶i!! (Vietnamese for "Motherf*cker")

RINOA: I looooove you sooooo much!

RENO: So do you like your work?

RABID CHOCOBO: The pay is pitiful, but it's as close as I get to inserting subliminal messages.

RENO: I bet it's hell living with those guys.

RABID CHOCOBO: Especially when I have to do the laundry. For some reason, Yuddy sends his pillow cases through a lot more than everyone else does. I wonder why.

SOLID JIM: (thinking) Yeah, I wonder.

NEVERMORE: How's your fist?

SERPENT: It hurts.

NEVERMORE: Well if it wasn't for his fake teeth, it probably would've never come out. Come one, we've got work to do.

SERPENT: Like what? Jim didn't tell us to do anything else. I mean, we've cleared out the entire kitchen.

NEVERMORE: Well I --

SOLID JIM: (suddenly comes in) HEY!! CHO' AND RENO ARE BEGINNING TO SUSPECT SOMETHING!! I suggest you guys scrounge up some food so I can bring it to them!!

NEVERMORE: Yeah, well -- Hey… I got an idea…

RENO: 'Bout damn time. I'm starve. Hey, aren't you gonna eat?

RABID CHOCOBO: *sigh* Nah. I'm not hungry.

RENO: Awright, more for me!

RABID CHOCOBO: (thinking) Pig.

BROOMEY: What's taking Jim? I hope he's okay…

YUD: Argh, the circulation to my legs…they…they've been CUT OFF.

SQUALLID: We've tried everything. She's like a &%^$'in leech.

RINOA: I loooove you, Mr. Yuddy!!

YUD: (swears in Vietnamese)

RINOA: That's soooo romantic!! (squeezes him tighter)

SQUALLID: Jim would NEVER let you live this down.

YUD: Shaddup.

RENO: Hey, uh, Chokie…ah, why don't you go out to the ballroom? I'll come…uh, soon. I gotta go to the, ah, bathroom…

RABID CHOCOBO: (getting up) Yeah, whatever.

RABID CHOCOBO: Keep starin' like that and I'll force you to squat over a flamethrower.

???: S'cuse me, ma'am. I couldn't help but notice you…

RABID CHOCOBO: You like flames or something?

???: Actually, I kind of recognize you from your comic book "Sox Monkey".

RABID CHOCOBO: Whattaya want?

???: Care to dance?

RABID CHOCOBO: What's yer name?

???: Loony.

RABID CHOCOBO: Awright, but you gotta keep up.

RENO: Dum dee dum dum… boy, that Chokie sure is hot. (stands silent for a while) Heh heh… I wonder what she's like in the sack.

VOICE: Wouldn't YOU like to know…

RENO: WHAT?!!

NEVERMORE: (takes a swig out of his liquor bottle) Damn, this is good stuff. (puts it down next to SERPENT'S marshmellow bag)

SERPENT: (roasting marshmellows over a kitchen flame) And how. Mmm…me likes marshmellows…

NEVERMORE: YOU BASTARD!! GET OUTTA HERE!!!

NEVERMORE: ^$%#@!!!!

SERPENT: %#$@#%^$!!!

RABID CHOCOBO: I wonder what happened to Reno?

LOONY: Reno? Is he your…boyfriend?

RABID CHOCOBO: Ex. Or, will be. He's always drunk too often.

LOONY: I see. (thinking: YEEEESSSSS!!!!) Say, do you smell smoke?

MAN #1: (suddenly comes crashing in) OH MY GOD!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! THERE'S A FREAKIN' FIRE!!!!

YUD: &%^$!!!

RINOA: Whee!! This is so much fun! I loooove you soooo much!! I wanna be your bitch!

BROOMEY: (finally gets out and drops down next to SOLID JIM) JIM!! What's going on?!

SOLID JIM: Where the &%^$ is Cho'?!!

YUD: JIM!! Help me get this…this THING off my leg or I'll die!!

RINOA: I wuv you, snoogums!

SOLID JIM: No time! Just jump out a window or something! We got to find Cho'!!

RABID CHOCOBO: Who said my name?! JIM?! YUDDY?!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?!!!

SERPENT: Now…we can explain…

RABID CHOCOBO: Yargh!! (chases all of them outside with her axe) I'll KILL you!

LOONY: Wait! Miss Chokie, wait for me! (runs after her)

ANCHORMAN: Our top cover story -- A famous French restaurant, the Chateau de Food'e, was mysterious burned down to the ground today. The FBI and police are investigating as we speak. Some diners reported some mysterious characters at the restaurant. A few being one -- a waiter with an odd British accent, two -- a Vietnamese man with a "bitchy" little girl stuck to his legs, three -- some familiar looking spies from a third-rate agency, and four -- a tall and dark man carrying a bottle of alcohol. One particular individual that the police are especially after is a young Vietnamese female. They believe her to be head of this crime.

The fire seems to have started in the kitchen. Investigators found a cracked liquor bottle by a stove along with some marshmellow remnants.

No one was seriously injured in the ordeal, except for a well-known Turk who was found unconcious in the men's restroom and a fat chef who suffered from a heart-attack. Mysteriously, his fake teeth were missing. That is all we have on the story so far. Tune in later where we'll take you to go meet the families of this terrible mishap.

EDGE: I wonder who it is.

RUFUS: Who cares? Basketball is on. (switches the channel)

MONGOOSE: … ……… … ……. …

SOLID JIM: Where're my stuff?!

RUFUS: Uhm, in your room. Why?

SOLID JIM: The authorities found out, didn't they?

EDGE: What?! YOU'RE THE ONE?!

YUD: Where's my KJ-link?! Oh my god, I am LEAVING this state!!

SQUALLID: Waittaminnit. What about our pay?

YUD: Here. (flips him a quarter)

SQUALLID: Look, Serpent! A shiny new quarter! The gods a smiling on us today!

SERPENT: Hurrah!

EDGE: Poor bastards.

RUFUS: Poor lonely bastards.

RABID CHOCOBO: What are we doing?

YUD: I don't know, but we're definitely LEAVING, that's for sure!!

LOONY: Where am I?

SOLID JIM: Shut up!

NEVERMORE: But where? By this time of the day, Alaska will be too dark to navigate around in a snowfield.

RUFUS: Hey, I got an idea. You guys can book a train with me back to Midgar. I'm going back tomorrow to run against that bastard Palmer in the election.

SOLID JIM: Sounds cool. Where's Midgar?

RUFUS: 'Bout a few days away from here. We'll taking the Interstellar Space Train Convoy (ISTC). You know, those trains that take you from planet to planet?

YUD: Okay. What's the fee?

RUFUS: I'm the evil President Rufus Shinra, remember? Who said anything about a damn fee?

RABID CHOCOBO: Oh boy. So we're fugitives now?

NEVERMORE: Desperate fugitives, at that.

RABID CHOCOBO: *sigh* I'll go pack.

SOLID JIM: *whistles* Nice rooms.

YUD: Neato. A little cramped, but nice at that.

RUFUS: It's all I could find that won't attract much attention.

NEVERMORE: Who's sharing with who?

RUFUS: Nobody's sharing. It's already bad that I'm smuggling fugitives from another planet into my city. You're all staying in one room. Try to keep quiet, okay? It's not helping my election one bit.

SOLID JIM: One mattress.

BROOMEY: One single mattress.

NEVERMORE: *sigh* (looks over his shoulder and sees LOONY gawking at RABID CHOCOBO) Uh, Jim, about Chokie. (makes a hand gesture towards him)

SOLID JIM: Hmm… Yuddy, get the fuel…

LOONY: What're you guys talking about?

SOLID JIM AND YUD: NOTHING!

RABID CHOCOBO: I'll take the floor. No way am I cramming myself onto that putrid bed with a bunch of other guys who don't shower for a week.

SOLID JIM: Whew.

LOONY: So, uh…Ms. Chokie, uh…I, uh…

BROOMEY: The hell?!

LOONY: Ah, a penny for your thoughts?

SOLID JIM: Just a penny? I'd charge at least 500 £ for my thoughts.

YUD: You're thoughts consist of math equations, plotting other low cabinet official's deaths, crappy bands, and occasionally a really hot British chick. They ain't worth diddly.

SOLID JIM: Don't talk. (thinking: He's on to me…maybe I'll have to take him out for safety's sake…)

RABID CHOCOBO: Jim?

SOLID JIM: (snapping out of it) Gah! I wasn't plotting Yuddy's horrific and gory demise! Honest!

YUD: … (thinking: I wanna go home.)

SOLID JIM: I'm hungry.

YUD: When aren't you hungry?

NEVERMORE: Well what do you expect from a growing boy of seventeen?

BROOMEY: Not much, really.

NEVERMORE: That was a damn rhetorical question.

BROOMEY: Well that was a damn rhetorical answer.

RABID CHOCOBO: I'm starvin'. When's Rufus gonna feed us?

SERPENT: I want my marshmallows.

NEVERMORE: You all quit your whining. We'll eat something eventually.

YUD: Let's play a game. I'll make a sound and you try to guess what it is. *ahem* (makes a sheep-like sound) Baahh.

BROOMEY: It's a duck!

LOONY: It's a zebra!

SQUALLID: It's a horse!

NEVERMORE: You're all wrong. It's a cow.

RABID CHOCOBO: Emu!

SOLID JIM: It's a sheep. S-H-E-E-P, sheep. Sheep belong to the bovid family, Bovidae. The scientific name for the urial sheep is Ovis vignei. The mouflon sheep is O. musimon. Domesticated sheep are O. aries.

NEVERMORE: Look who's the nerd now.

SOLID JIM: So what?

YUD: This game doesn't work.

SERPENT: We could try truth or dare.

SOLID JIM: Oh boy. Flashback to my elementary days…

SERPENT: Chokie, truth or dare.

RABID CHOCOBO: Truth.

SERPENT: You ever kissed someone?

RABID CHOCOBO: …ah…

SOLID JIM: Chokie?

RABID CHOCOBO: Yes.

YUD: I KNEW IT!! Beneath all that evil, gruesome, malevolence exterior there IS a woman!

RABID CHOCOBO: You have five seconds to shut your trap before I rip out your pancreas and kick it about the train.

YUD: (suddenly quiet) I'll be good…

RABID CHOCOBO: Jim, truth or dare?

SOLID JIM: Dare.

RABID CHOCOBO: I dare you to make a torch out of that can of Renuzit air fresheners over there.

SOLID JIM: Done and done. Anybody got a light?

SOLID JIM: Okay, stand back.

SOLID JIM: Yud.

YUD: I WON'T BE A PART OF THIS GAME!!

SOLID JIM: Tgh, fine.

NEVERMORE: Why are we playing this stupid game?

RABID CHOCOBO: Ugh, I'm going to sleep. And I'm STILL hungry. If I wake up anorexic, it's all Rufus' fault.

LOONY: You're not going to be anorexic overnight.

RABID CHOCOBO: Figuratively speaking here, dumbass.

LOONY: (thinking: She's so sexy when she's angry…)

RABID CHOCOBO: Sigh. Maybe I won't get some sleep afterall. I'm gonna go look for Rufus. You guys clean this place up.

RABID CHOCOBO: Okay. I got my axe. Now all I gotta do is whup his ass and make him feed us. Nothing can stand in my way!

SCREECHY VIETNAMESE VOICE: Uyen!! *note: Uyen is my Vietnamese name*

RABID CHOCOBO: Ma?!!

MOM: (in Vietnamese) It's so GOOD to see you!

DAD: (ditto) Yeah. How are you? And why aren't you married with ten kids?

RABID CHOCOBO: (also in Vietnamese) Dad, I can take care of myself. I'm only 16. I've got a long way to go.

MOM: Well at least have the children. Do you need any help finding a man to produce children with?

RABID CHOCOBO: MOM!!!

MOM: Only a suggestion.

RABID CHOCOBO: (thinking: Oh, Jesus, I gotta think fast.) The truth is, Ma, I…uh… already HAVE boyfriend. Heh.

MOM: You do?

DAD: Can we meet him?

RABID CHOCOBO: Uh…ah…let me get back to you on that.

RABID CHOCOBO: (looking around the room and thinking to herself) Nevermore…too old. Yud…too eccentric. Loony…too weird.

SOLID JIM: Somethin' the matter? You looked flushed.

RABID CHOCOBO: Oh my god, and am in need of a divine intervention. I … (notices his out fit) The hell?!

SOLID JIM: Don't ask.

RABID CHOCOBO: The hell did you get that damn banana?!!

SOLID JIM: Oh, I sneaked over to the other boxcar and ganked it from a small and defenseless child. You want some?

RABID CHOCOBO: ^$%#@!! I am in no mood for food!! I need your help.

SOLID JIM: What's going on?

RABID CHOCOBO: Yes or no. I will have no questions asked.

SOLID JIM: (slightly interested) Is there money involved?

RABID CHOCOBO: 70 £!!

SOLID JIM: The hell you will. You will pay me 90 £! The labor price has gone UP.

RABID CHOCOBO: DEAL!! Just shut up and follow me.

MOM: (bad English) Is this…your…

RABID CHOCOBO: Ma, Dad -- meet Solid Jim, aka James, my…boyfriend.

SOLID JIM: HUH?!

DAD: Hmph. He's American.

SOLID JIM: Actually, I'm British.

MOM: What's wrong with you, boy?!

SOLID JIM: WHAT'D I SAY?

MOM: How come you no give my daughter ten kids?

SOLID JIM: Chokie…

RABID CHOCOBO: Heh heh…my parents…

SOLID JIM: Now it's 100 £.

RABID CHOCOBO: (punches him sharply in the stomach) Shh! Shut up!!

SOLID JIM: (doubling over) Gack!! (writhing in pain)

MOM: Nguyen Quynh Kim Uyen!! Is this how you treat your boyfriend?!

SOLID JIM: (struggling to speak) Yeah, pretty much…

SOLID JIM: (sweating) Heh heh…I mean,…really…I'm fine…honest to God…heh…

RABID CHOCOBO: (whispering) Good boy… (leveled, plain, uninterested voice)

SOLID JIM: (smiles weakly) … …

MOM: Well, we'll be going now, dear.

DAD: Care for dinner tomorrow at Kalm?

RABID CHOCOBO: (fakely smiling) I'd be honor to, Dad.

RABID CHOCOBO: Thanks a lot, you freak! You almost had me lose my head back there!

SOLID JIM: Look who's talking. I'm not the one being punched in the gut and threatened with an axe!

RABID CHOCOBO: Well, other than that, you did a good job acting. I swear, this was NOT what I expected from a simple would-be presidential killing spree mission.

SOLID JIM: (sitting down on the bed) Yeah, well the next thing you know they'd probably want us to play tonsil hockey.

RABID CHOCOBO: (confused) Huh?

SOLID JIM: You know, mash 'em together.

RABID CHOCOBO: I don't get it.

SOLID JIM: Kiss, damn you!

RABID CHOCOBO: Ick. The last time I kissed a guy was when I played spin the bottle in 7^th grade.

SOLID JIM: (sudden mysterious interest) Oh really…? Who was this guy?

RABID CHOCOBO: This is NOT the time to be overprotective of me. I just can't imagine kissing a guy a year older than me!

SOLID JIM: Yeah, wouldn't that be statutory rape?

RABID CHOCOBO: Yeah. 'Cause I'm a minor and stuff.

SOLID JIM: Oh.

SOLID JIM: So what would we do if they do make us smooch?

RABID CHOCOBO: I'm sure I'll think of something. Anything. I can't bring myself to even touch you.

SOLID JIM: You did a half hour ago. With the axe, of course. And the fist.

RABID CHOCOBO: That was a violent muscle spasm.

SOLID JIM: I honestly don't see the difference.

RABID CHOCOBO: *sigh* Where is everyone?

SOLID JIM: Oh, they got so hungry they went and decided to steal food from the upper class cars. I was gonna go with them, but then you came.

RABID CHOCOBO: Sorry. (looks at his outfit) Um, you wanna go put some pants on? You in your boxers is not a very pleasant site.

SOLID JIM: (leaving) The hell are you saying, woman? Girls go crazy over me.

RABID CHOCOBO: Do you even care, honestly? You don't even like girls. Much, anyway. I've caught you dribbling in a few swimsuit magazines.

SOLID JIM: I will, eventually. Hey, who told you about the magazines?

RABID CHOCOBO: Yud.

SOLID JIM: (breaks a sweat) Heh heh… I only read them for the article.

RABID CHOCOBO: Sure.

SOLID JIM: Well excuse me for growing up. Male puberty takes time, unlike you barbaric American folks who rush through your early adolescence.

RABID CHOCOBO: Whattaya mean "takes time"? You're seventeen and a half, dammit. You're pretty much near the end of puberty. Look, just go and put on some &%^$#'in pants.

RABID CHOCOBO: My existence has taken a miserable turn down the road of life.

SOLID JIM: Oh, great. Now I have to follow my boss around all over the place.

RABID CHOCOBO: I know it sucks. What's worse is that we have to act all lovey-dovey sissy crap around each other.

SOLID JIM: *yawn* How come nobody's awake yet?

RABID CHOCOBO: You tell me. I'm amazed at how they can cram each other like that and still be able to sleep well.

NEVERMORE: (waking up from under the bed) The hell? You two are actually talking to each other without threatening? That's amazing.

RABID CHOCOBO: Shut up.

YUD: Hey, Chokie. Where were you during the 1^st class ransack last night?

RABID CHOCOBO: I'd rather not talk about it.

VOICE OVER INTERCOM: Attention passengers! Fifteen minutes until Midgar! Please get your bags and belongings ready. Any remaining passengers who did not pay for their ticket(s) will be shot. Thank you. Have a nice day.

RABID CHOCOBO: Ugh. One more day without food. And people wonder why I'm so skinny.

SOLID JIM: This is Midgar?!

YUD: What a rip!!

RABID CHOCOBO: RUFUS!! What the HELL is this?! Do you expect a person like me to STAY here?!!

RUFUS: Hey, this is the LAST place that authorities would look for you. You guys are perfectly safe here. (looks at his watch) Oops. I gotta run. C'mon, Dark Nations.

LOONY: *sigh* Might as well find a hotel. Where are we, anyway?

NEVERMORE: (reading a sign) "Wallmarket". Looks crummy. Almost worse than New York.

RABID CHOCOBO: Why those sonavabitches. I'll rip their frickin' balls out and kick 'em about on the ground…

SOLID JIM: Shall we?

RABID CHOCOBO: Let's.

RABID CHOCOBO: That was fun.

SOLID JIM: (evil British cackle) Ha ha ha!! I'm gonna like this city…

ZEEK: Mr. Corneo! Some locals have informed us of a, quote, "really hot killer chick" down at the local hotel.

CORNEO: Splendid! After that incident with the two AVALANCHE girls, I need a little "action"! Please, do fetch her.

ZEEK: Heh heh…I have my ways, sir.

YUD: So you're pretending to go out with Chokie so her parent's won't pressure her to marry?

SOLID JIM: Basically, yes. Plus, this gives me an opportunity to keep a closer eye on her suitors.

LOONY: Say, where is she anyway?

SOLID JIM: Taking a shower.

LOONY: Mmm…Chokie in the shower…

YUD: What was that?

LOONY: Uh…nothing! I didn't say nothing!! (turns away and scribbles "I love Chokie" in his notebook)

NEVERMORE: Whatcha writin'?

LOONY: …uh, drawing pictures.

NEVERMORE: Cool.

RABID CHOCOBO: Bathroom's all yours.

YUD: Crud.

YUD: THE HELL?!! (begins cussing in Vietnamese)

NEVERMORE: CHO'!!

LOONY: Oh my god! She's gone! GONE!

BROOMEY: She'll never now how I felt for her!!

SOLID JIM: WHAT HAPPENED!! OH SH*T!! Where's Cho'?!

NEVERMORE: The window crashed open and some men took her away!

SOLID JIM: Dammit, no!! Do you know what sort of men are OUT there?!!

RABID CHOCOBO: Where in Jesus' name are you bastards taking me!! Let go!! I'll have your damn HEADS for this!!!

CORNEO: My, my…what a feisty little chickie we have!

RABID CHOCOBO: Oh dear God.

CORNEO: You're new here, aren't you? Well, I'm Don Corneo, and I'm the town's local dilettante. And as you know…

ZEEK: The boss is in the market for a bride.

CORNEO: …and you just happened to catch my eye, my lovely.

RABID CHOCOBO: (thinking: Damn my feminine body.) Oh Christ…this isn't what I think it is…is it?

CORNEO: You gotta believe, baby-cheeks.

RABID CHOCOBO: DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!

CORNEO: &%^$#!! I'll come back tomorrow! You'll be sorry! Take her away and show her some manners!

RABID CHOCOBO: What are you doing?! Do you know who I am?!

ZEEK: You hear that, babe? The boss wants us to teach you some manners. *snicker* Now the boys may be a little rough on you, but you'll grow to cope with it after your fourth guy or so…

RABID CHOCOBO: (thinking: Gotta find a weapon…)

TOM: ^$%#@!! SHE HIT ME!!

RABID CHOCOBO: Not like how I'm gonna waste YOU chumps…

RABID CHOCOBO: (turning towards ZEEK) As for you…

ZEEK: *gulp* Mommy…

CORNEO: What the f--

RABID CHOCOBO: Surprised?

RABID CHOCOBO: Now we're gonna play a little game, creep. It's called, "Let's See How Much I Can Beat You Up Before You Beg For Mercy". Let's start.

RABID CHOCOBO: Had enough? I'm letting my friend come back and deal with you…

SOLID JIM: Is she home yet?

SERPENT: Nope.

SOLID JIM: Is she home yet?

SERPENT: Nope.

SOLID JIM: Is she home yet?

SERPENT: Nope.

SOLID JIM: Is she home yet?

SERPENT: Nope.

SERPENT: Hi, Cho'. We were gonna look for you, but we figured that you'd come home sooner or later.

SQUALLID: We so smart.

RABID CHOCOBO: Whatever. Say, Jim, hypothetical question -- Let's say somebody broke into our room, kidnapped me, acted like a total sicko around me, sent me into a room with ten guys who tried to rape me, made me react by killing them all with my bare hands, had me use my favorite brick on them, then came in the next morning to "check on me". What would you do?

SOLID JIM: Squallid…get the gas…

RUFUS: (sitting at his desk) Yes, even that slap-happy bastard Palmer can't write a speech this good! Time for some relaxing. Secretary, bring me a newspaper.

RUFUS: "Wallmarket's pimp-daddy found hacked to pieces. Most, if not all, valuables are stolen. Mansion burned to the ground. Locals suspect some teenage to college aged students responsible. Currently trying to decide whether to run them out of town or hail them with riches and money." (he pauses a moment) Can't they be normal even for once?

RABID CHOCOBO: So this is the new sector that Rufus is hiding us?

SOLID JIM: Looks the same as the last one.

YUD: Only without gross, sick minded pimps.

NEVERMORE: Rufus said that there will be a 7^th Heaven bar where some of his terrorist friends work at. We can stay there.

SOLID JIM: Lo, did he say "terrorists"?

TIFA: And you are…?

SOLID JIM: We're the guys that Rufus told you about. We're here to hide from the earth authorities.

TIFA: Oh yeah, you guys. Go downstairs, and be careful of Cloud. He's still a little doozy from the Mako poisoning. (secretly looks at SOLID JIM for a while) (thinking: Damn, he's HOT!)

CLOUD: (to NEVERMORE) Mommy?

NEVERMORE: I'm not your mommy.

CLOUD: (happily) Mommy!

NEVERMORE: I'm not your mommy!

CLOUD: Mommy?

SERPENT: (punches CLOUD)

CLOUD: *sniffle* (runs to a corner to sulk)

BARRET: The hell are you foo's?

TIFA: Relax. They're Rufus' friends. They're taking refuge from the authorities. (continues gawking)

SOLID JIM: (unaware) Yep.

RABID CHOCOBO: &%^#$@'in straight, dammit.

VINCENT: (thinking: Oh dear lord…never in my life have I seen such striking beauty from a female…)

TIFA: (makes her way over to SOLID JIM) Say, you're kinda cute. What's your name?

SOLID JIM: James Burrows. Or more preferably, Solid Jim.

TIFA: Um, your friend over there. Is she your…girlfriend?

SOLID JIM: Heavens forbid, no. She's my boss.

TIFA: (relieved) Well, see ya around. Bye!

SOLID JIM: …is somebody outside?

RABID CHOCOBO: Uh, no. Why?

SOLID JIM: And you're sure -- absolutely positive -- that she is a barmaid?

RABID CHOCOBO: Yes. Um, why, may I ask.

SOLID JIM: Well, for one, beautiful women don't just walk up and say hi to me.

RABID CHOCOBO: Huh?

SOLID JIM: Did you see her? She was too…nice. Normal, even. I KNOW there's a catch to this…

RABID CHOCOBO: Jim, people are suppose to be normal.

YUD: Ah, pay no attention to Jim. His experience with British schooling has completely made him paranoid and insecure.

RABID CHOCOBO: I see. What I'm really concern about is that he called that lady "beautiful". The last time he called something "beautiful" was that ten-foot subway sandwich we gave him for his sixteenth birthday.

YUD: Another side effect to British schooling. He gets his wording mixed up.

RABID CHOCOBO: Oh.

MG DAVE: Where the hell did those kids go?!

WOLF: I dunno. Scarlet is missing too.

MG DAVE: Good. I hate that skanky cow.

WOLF: (cringes) ^$%#'in bitch… Anyway, since that bastard Snake is alone, don't you think we should move in for the kill? He's pretty incompetent without his friends.

MG DAVE: Wolf, my dear, you don't understand me. War is only truly war when there's finesse involved.

WOLF: I screw finesse. I say we just go out and kill 'im. Then we launch the friggin' nuke and make big history. (pauses) And don't call me 'dear', you jackass.

MG DAVE: Quit being such a tomboy, Wolf.

WOLF: Quit being such an arse, Dave. (thinks for a while) Let's ask the first guy who walks in here what we should do.

MG DAVE: Should we kill Snake by a bullet to the head or should we kill him with finesse and expertise?

LIQUID: (whiny) I BROKE A NAIL.

MG DAVE: (bangs his head on the desk) ^$%#@!!!

WOLF: Obviously faulty. Ocelot, how should Snake die?

OCELOT: (staggers about) …………………………………………………………………………………………… …………………………… ……………………………… …………………… … ………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………… …………………………………… …………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………………………… ……………………… ……………… ……… ……… ………………………………… urp.

WOLF: (smacks him upside the head with the butt of her gun) %^$# drunk bastard!!

MG DAVE: Raven! You should know SOMETHING! How should Snake die?

RAVEN: Grr…Raven smash puny humans!! Need…more… sterioids!! GRAR!! (passes out on the floor, drooling)

WOLF: (shakes head) We gotta get him off that stuff. (thinks for a while) I know! We can send an assassin out to kill those pesky kids while we plot Snake's death! That way, we can be sure that they won't come back to ruin our plans!

MG DAVE: Excellent thinking, Wolf! I don't know where I'd be without you.

WOLF: Thank you.

MG DAVE: …and I know just the person…

SOLID JIM: So you're Paddy, huh?

PADDY: Yup.

NEVERMORE: He looks normal.

SERPENT: Smells normal.

SQUALLID: His attire seems to be purchased from Penny's…

TIFA: Are you guys probing my customers again?

SOLID JIM: (quickly) NO!!

PADDY: I'll have something light, ma'am.

YUD: What's up?

SERPENT: New customer. Nothing to worry about.

TIFA: Here Jim. Have a glass of milk. Morning's not morning without milk.

RABID CHOCOBO: What the hell are you doing?

SOLID JIM: My milk. Why is it white? I mean, of all the colors, why white? Why not mauve, or burgundy, or azure? I won't drink anything that's opaque. Only if it's transparent. Like water. …it's…it's scaring me, Cho'. Why is it white?! And who was the guy that was gonna drink out of a cow's udders?! Was he mad?! It could've been poison!!

RABID CHOCOBO: Get a hold of yourself, man!

SOLID JIM: …right. (gulps down his milk and leaves)

TIFA: Is he always like this?

RABID CHOCOBO: Worse.

MG DAVE: So how's that hired assassin going?

WOLF: Um…he's having a beer right now and discussing screenplays with that Choco girl.

MG DAVE: Dammit all to hell! I'm surrounded by ^$%# morons!

WOLF: *ahem*

MG DAVE: Except you, of course. Argh! 5/6 of my FOX-HOUND members a rejects!! I'll never find someone smart enough, evil enough, or malevolent enough to kill them!!

MECH: Is this where county jail is? I'm suppose to check in by four.

WOLF: Wow. Great timing. How'd you get in here?

MECH: *Homer Simpson-like* I DON'T KNOW!!

MG DAVE: (suddenly switching to persuasive voice) Hey, buddy, you wanna be famous?

MECH: No, but I needs me eats.

MG DAVE: Would you like stardom?

MECH: Not particularly.

MG DAVE: Do you want some money?

MECH: Oh yes. Definitely. The more, the better. Does it involve killing people? I don't work unless I get to kill something.

WOLF: He's perfect. You're hired, buddy.

MECH: (suddenly madly in love with Wolf) (dreamy-eyed) … …

WOLF: (slightly interested) … … *giggle*

MG DAVE: (jealous) %$#@#!! Go get im' already!!

RABID CHOCOBO: So what goes on around here on Saturday nights?

TIFA: The specials. Some Shinra folks looking for a good time come in and drink. At first, this annoyed Barret. But after we learned that they carried vast amounts of cash in their wallet, we had Yuffie and Vincent go around picking pockets when they're good and drunk.

RABID CHOCOBO: Sounds neat.

TIFA: By the way, your friend Nevermore is passed out in the back again. You wanna go get him?

RABID CHOCOBO: Nah. Just leave him there. He'll eventually wake up. Maybe. If we're lucky.

CLOUD: SEPHIROOOOOOTH!!!

TIFA: See why I got the hots for your friend?

RABID CHOCOBO: (nods)

RABID CHOCOBO: (sees RENO) Curse my damn luck.

RENO: (doesn't see her) Hiya, Tif'. The usual please.

ELENA: I'll just have a glass of cocktail.

RUDE: *hic* Thith isth sosth *urp* …buibuibuibuibuibui… *belch* huth..

TSENG: Morons. I'll have a vodka.

HEIDEGGER: Gyah ha ha!! I'll have some straight whiskey!! Gyah ha!!

RENO: Chokie!

RABID CHOCOBO: I already told you, it's over.

RENO: Come on, please? I've changed! Really, I have! I'll behave.

RABID CHOCOBO: Right. That's why your sitting there drinking beer and eating pickled eggs and beernuts. I'm sorry, but no. Jim will just end up killing you this time around and I don't feel like having my ass dragged to court.

TSENG: What're you talking about? This isn't America. This is Midgar. The slums. You can pretty much kill anybody you want and dump the body in the front yard.

ELENA: Yep.

RABID CHOCOBO: Really? Wow. HEY JIM!! GET OVER HERE!!

RENO: Gack, no!! Stay away since you mentioned that devil! Jim scares me!! Thanks to him, I now have a fear for all things Jim-related!!

RABID CHOCOBO: Do you really? I'll have you know that he sat in that seat when he ate his cereals this morning.

RENO: NOO!!! (runs screaming outside)

JIM: What's up? I heard a familiar voice so I thought I might bring this up just in case. (waves his shotgun)

RABID CHOCOBO: T'was no one.

JIM: Okay.

HEIDEGGER: Gyaaaaaahhhhhhh……!!! (dies)

JIM: (begins to laugh and chuckle) Ha ha. Sorry, chap. I forgot to turn on the safety. Ha ha! *snort, cough* Hee hee…

ELENA: Slap-happy bastard.

TSENG: Only a British man would find humor in another individual's horrific demise.

MECH: (whispering) You the first agent they sent?

PADDY: Ayup.

MECH: Cool. Listen, I --

JIM: (in tears) BA HA HA HA HA!!! *cough, cough, snort* HA HA HA!!!

MECH: Ew. So much for that.

RABID CHOCOBO: Jim, get a hold of yourself before you kill someone else.

PADDY: Hiya, Mech. I think we were talking about these guys. (sees his dead body) Hey look! There's me.

JIM: (suddenly stops laughing) Huh? How'd you come back to life?

RABID CHOCOBO: I guess he could be like Kenny from South Park.

JIM: DIE, YOU HERETIC!! (shoots him again)

PADDY: GARG!! (dies)

JIM: Ah, much better.

TIFA: Jim, I'd appreciate it if you'd STOP SHOOTING MY CUSTOMERS!!! (threatens him with her fist)

JIM: Yeah, but this one keeps coming back! It's fun!

RABID CHOCOBO: Let's hope this doesn't become a habit.

MECH: Yeah. I can pick them out easily and take them down one by one.

MG DAVE: Good for you. Where are they right now?

MECH: Eating downstairs and watching TV.

RABID CHOCOBO: Isn't that a little much?

JIM: (in between mouthfuls) Hey, I'm seventeen. I needs me eats. *urp*

RABID CHOCOBO: So do I! Leave some for me, dammit.

NEVERMORE: How are we gonna pay for this?

YUD: We're not. Tifa has a crush on Jim, so she's letting us eat and stay for free.

RABID CHOCOBO: She does? Boy, I feel sorry for her.

RABID CHOCOBO: *grumble*

LOONY: *drool* Chokie is so hot. *slobber* *froth*

RABID CHOCOBO: Um, you're getting drool on plate…

LOONY: … …

RABID CHOCOBO: (scoots away)

YUD: (threatening stare)

JIM: Yum. I'm done. I'm gonna go sleep if anybody needs me.

MECH: Hi. I'm Mech Ninja.

YUD: You look like Sephiroth.

MECH: Huh?

RABID CHOCOBO: No he doesn't. He looks like Alucard.

NEVERMORE: He resembles an Ashley Riot to me.

MECH: *sigh* I guess my secret is out, huh.

EVERYONE: SEPHIROTH?!!

YUD: I knew it!

CLOUD: SEPHIROOOOOOTH!!!

MECHIROTH: Weirdo. I have no more use for you. You may die, clone!

TIFA: Cloud?

TIFA: Oh well. Where's Jim? I made this chocolate soufflés just for him. Where is the sweet little cutey pie Jamie?

YUD: (grimaces) Sleeping. (points to the sofa)

TIFA: Jim?

JIM: … …

TIFA: Jim, wake up. I made this for you.

JIM: *snore* Die…Yud… *snore*

TIFA: …ah, maybe later.

RABID CHOCOBO: So, Sephy, what brings you to this part of the world?

MECHIROTH: Ah, um…travelling. I wanted to, uh…get away…from things…

NEVERMORE: I see.

MECHIROTH: I'll take out the girl and the drunk guy. You take out the British dude. He had some of that tranq I put in his soda earlier, so he'll be a little doozy. Dangerous, but doozy.

PADDY: Why me?

MECHIROTH: Because you're the one who can't die.

PADDY: Oh.

MECHIROTH: Ready?

PADDY: Yup.

RABID CHOCOBO: Huh? What's that sound? Oh well. Probably just Cid getting some beer.

MECHIROTH: Ha ha ha! You should have never trusted me! Now, witness my powers…!

RABID CHOCOBO: What the fuck?

PADDY: Um, hands up? I mean, hands up.

YUD: Yeah right.

PADDY: *sigh* Why won't they listen to me?

YUD: (calling out down the hallway) Jim? Wake up! There's a guy in here threatening me with a gun.

JIM: (completely whacked out) (quoting British comedy shows) "Every morning, LIVE BATS swarm from my EYES, screaming, 'James, it's time to kill!' They wait for me in the cave… Listen! Can you not hear?! The moon is weeping in a secret room! My wardrobe is full of death…"

YUD: No more late night TV for you, THAT'S for sure.

SQUALLID: Do you think he's dead?

VIPER: I don’t know. Let's poke at him some more.

JIM: (drunken British accent) ^%#$@!!!

RABID CHOCOBO: What the hell?! Jim, are you nuts?!

JIM: &*%#$@!!

NEVERMORE: Jim! How can YOU be drunk?! You HATE alcohol!!

JIM: ^%#$@ your MOTHER!!!

NEVERMORE: …

JIM: Huh? What happened? What the -- why is Paddy dead again?!

YUD: You wanna tell him?

NEVERMORE: …um, I think I have to go, uh…away. (runs off)

VIPER: Hey, we got this Mech guy. Seems like he's behind this too.

CID: What the ^$%#@ happened?!

VINCENT: What the hell? It looks like a tornado tore through here. (stares at RABID CHOCOBO)

YUD: That Mech guy turned out to be Sephiroth.

LOONY: (yawn) What's with all the noise? I wanna sleep… (sees RABID CHOCOBO) … *drool, slobber*

MECHIROTH: Bwa ha ha!! Fools!! Simpletons!!

TIFA: Cid, get rid of Paddy. Vincent, dump Mech somewhere. The rest of you can go to sleep.

RABID CHOCOBO: (looks at watch) Ugh. 2 AM. I need bloody sleep…

JIM: Grr…waking up too early makes me homicidal…

TIFA: Um, why don't you go back to bed, Jimmy hon.

JIM: Garg.

[The next day, everyone is groggy and disgruntle. JIM, however, is still sleeping.]

Yud: Shouldn't we go wake him up? It's past noon.

Chocobo: I wouldn't. Jim angry is one thing…Jim homicidal is another.

Tifa: But we need him up. I need more Gin and I'm packed with customers to buy more. He's the only one who can drive with relative competence.

Viper: Yeah. Chokie is still taking Drivers Ed. and Nevermore is…well…let's say it's not a good idea to put him behind the wheels.

Chocobo: So who's gonna wake him up?

[An eerie silence.]

Yud: I nominate Loony.

Loony: Why me?

Yud: Since you're new here, we won't miss you if you die.

Loony: But…but Black Arts Viper and Squallid are still new too. Send them.

Viper: We're too…uh…

Squallid: Important. We're agents. We have a…uh, code to, ah…follow.

Viper: (quickly) Yeah! No waking up violent British men.

[The all stare at Loony.]

Loony: But…but I'm…I don't wanna die…

Yud: Go.

Loony: No!

Tifa: Just go, Loony.

Loony! Good god, no!

Chocobo: Let me try. (walks up to him and manages a smile) Please?

Loony: YES, MA'AM!! (runs off happily)

Chocobo: (immediately stops smiling) Ow! Dammit, that hurts!

Yud: Ha ha ha! It's no doubt that he has a crush on you, Choco!

Chocobo: Shut your, pie-hole, Yuddy.

Yud: (quietly) Yes'm.

[A few moments later, they hear wretched, screaming sounds. Loony comes charging out of Jim's room, with minor bruises.]

Chocobo: What the hell?

Loony: Aahh!! He tried to kill me in there!! (sobs)

Chocobo: Jim!! Get up, we have to drive to the store!!

Jim: (mutters nonsensically) garrdgdagrioladff……

Yud: Feel like crap?

Jim: The walls are spinning and the floor won't stop moving, but otherwise, I'm fine.

Yud: Ha ha. Yes, that's pretty much the side-effect of alcohol.

Jim: If it weren't for me feeling like crud, I'd pounce on you and rip your pancreas out with my teeth…

Yud: Uh, I think I'll go wait in the car. (runs away)

[After a little caffieine and unaware hitting on from Tifa, Jim finally goes to the car.]

Jim: Are you guys all seatbelted in?

[Chocobo and Yud stare at him blankly.]

Jim: Fine. Don’t blame me then…

Chocobo: (in front seat) Blame you for what?

[The car immediately jerks backwards as he backs out of the space. Quickly shifting gear, he speeds forward and cuts in front of everyone and speeds down the road.]

Chocobo: THIS IS "RELATIVE COMPETENCE"?!!

Jim: Relax. I know what I'm doing. (swerves sharply and turns right)

Yud: (gasping) This is like something from Grand Theft Auto…

Jim: And you what the connection is? (shouts out the window) %#$@!!! OUTTA MY WAY!!! (back to Yud) I'm British too!

Chocobo: Why do I feel that what he just said is -- AAAHHHH!!!! (nearly falls out her open window) THAT'S IT!! I don't care if we don't have oxygen!! (closes it) *gasp* Jim, SLOW DOWN!!

Jim: I told you, I know what I'm doing!

Yud: That's what we're afraid of!

[They finally arrive to the supermarket. Yud and Chocobo tumble out of the car, gasping and wide-eyed with fear.]

Jim: (doesn't get it) What?

Chocobo: I…am…walking…home.

Jim: Oh, they wanted to walk home. I don't know why. They're pretty weird if you ask me. (sets the grocery down) Where'd everybody go?

Tifa: They went to the arcades after being bored.

Jim: Cool. Do we have any food?

Tifa: Yeah. In the fridge. (pauses) You know, Jimmy, we're all alone…

Jim: (ignores her as he brings out a sandwich and a Mountain Dew) .

Tifa: Just you and me…

Jim: (drinks his Dew)

Tifa: …alone…

Jim: What's on the telly?

Tifa: *sighs* Forgetit. You're hopeless. (leaves)

Jim: What's with her? Did I miss something?

Jim: Hiya. What's up.

Chocobo: Shut up. (takes a seat, crosses her legs, and takes off her shoes) Ugh. My feet hurt.

Jim: Good for you. You shouldn't have walked then.

Yud: We would prefer a little aching feet then a broken neck.

Jim: How are you gonna get a broken neck?

Chocobo: Didn't I just tell you to shut up?

Jim: Okay, okay!

Yud: Huh? I forgot I had this. Hello?

Snake: WHERE THE %#$@ ARE YOU?!!

Yud: Snake?!

Snake: After you guys left, some silver-haired caped guy came up and knocked me out! Next thing I knew, I'm in a cell! AGAIN!!

Chocobo: (begins hyperventilating at the mention of Snake) …

Jim: Cho'?

Chocobo: SHUT UP!!

Snake: Huh? Was that Chokie? Boy, her voice sounds so heavenly…

Yud: What?

Snake: NOTHING. Uh, just c'mere and get me out!!

Yud: Alright. Over and out. (hangs up) Snake needs help. Go gather the others and let's go.

Nevermore: Ready?

Squallid: Ready, boy-ee.

Chocobo: Remind me to impound your Southpark videos.

Tifa: Wait! Do you guys need materia?

Yud: Maybe.

Tifa: Take mine.

Tifa: Good luck.

Chocobo: Thanks.

Yud: We are off, then!

Jim: That's the millionth time you've said that for as long as I can remember.

Nevermore: What the? This isn't Shadow Moses Island! All I see are palm trees, the beach, and some photography equipment!

Jim: Yud, you moron, you took us……to……uh……

Jim: (gulp) … … … … … (begins frothing)

Loony: *slobber, drool*

Squallid: ……guh…

Chocobo: WHAT THE--?!!

Photographer: Okay girls. Time for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit take. I -- what the, who are you kids?

Chocobo: (yanks the KJ-link from Yud) &%#$@!! (sets their destination correctly)

Jim: Huh? What happened?

Chocobo: I had to set our course straight before you drooled all over your shoes.

Jim: Oh.

Yud: So what now?

Nevermore: We'll split up into groups, I guess. Somebody hold on to those materias.

Yud: That would be me.

Nevermore: I'll make the groups. It's Loony, Squallid, and Viper in a group, and Jim, Yud, Chokie, and me in a group.

Jim: So…hot…

Yud: Ugh. One guard. We should get through here easily.

Chocobo: Damn, it's been two minutes and I am drenched.

Loony: (begins slobbering once again at the sight of her sweaty)

Nevermore: So, Loony, what sort of weird little thoughts are rolling about in your naughty little head?

Loony: HUH?! I… I didn't do anything!

Loony: Oh god.

Jim: Pervert. Yud, put him on "People to Kill" list. Next to Reno's name.

Yud: Right-o.

Yud: How are we gonna get by?

Chocobo: Sneaking in one big group is out of the question.

Nevermore: And…say, where's Squallid?

Jim: Where were you?

Squallid: Oh, there was this confused guy walking around so I couldn't help myself from sneaking up and kicking him in the back into the molten metal below.

Viper: That's taken cared of.

SNAKE: Mmmpfth!!

WOLF: SHUT UP!

She lashes out with her fist and socks him in the gut, silencing him.

MECHIROTH: Ugh. My head! That brick really hurt!

WOLF: There, there. (goes back to bandaging his head)

MG DAVE: (jealous) Hmph. Are they captured?

PADDY: No sir, but they're walking right into our trap.

MG DAVE: Huh?

PADDY: You know, Raven is waiting for them in the warehouse right now.

MG DAVE: Really? I mean, really. Good, he should be.

WOLF: Are you sure Raven's gonna finish them off? I mean, he's pretty incompetent.

MG DAVE: That bastard is high on that steroids stuff. If he won't stop them, I'm sure Rex here will.

MECHIROTH: Arg. Neck hurts.

WOLF: (seductively) Really? Want me to kiss it all better…?

MECHIROTH: Um…

MG DAVE: (angry) Okay, you two, knock it off!!

MECHIROTH: *sigh*

WOLF: (thinking) Finally. This really is working…he's noticed me for once. I can't believe I have to pretend I like this guy just to get him to like me.

RABID CHOCOBO: Brr…it-it's freezing in here…

SQUALLID: My eyeballs hurt!

VIPER: What the hell, you freak?!

SQUALLID: *sniff*

JIM: I'll go ahead and find a way out.

RAVEN: GRAR!!! RAVEN SMASH!!

YUD: Run for it!!

JIM: (glasses drop off and he is rendered semi-blind) ARGH!! My glasses!!

YUD: ESKIMO!!

JIM: Good ol' Eskie!!

ESKIMO: Beware of the Sox Pie!! (shoots a rubber band at RAVEN and blinds his left eye) Boo-yah! All hail Eskimo, baby!

JIM: %#$@ my nearsightedness!!! (finds them) At last! (joins in on the fight) Grar!!

ESKIMO: Uh-oh. Those birds look hungry.

RAVEN: ^$%#@!!!

RABID CHOCOBO: Gross.

JIM: Let's just go before they eat us too.

YUD: (yelling up) Hey, Eskie! Come on down and join us in our mission!

RABID CHOCOBO: How'd you come back to life? I thought Wolf shot you.

ESKIMO: It was the will of the Force.

YUD: …Force?

ESKIMO: It sensed much danger and jeopardy for the world, and it sent me back to the realm of the living.

NEVERMORE: Do you like it here?

ESKIMO: Oh yes. Definitely. The re-fills are free and pointy rusted metallic objects are plentiful. (sees LOONY) Who's he?

RABID CHOCOBO: He's Loony. He's just here for the action, although Jim finds him very much useless.

LOONY: Hey!

JIM: It's true.

RABID CHOCOBO: (unaware) Loony here is very…eccentric.

JIM: Yes, he has a huge crush on -- (sees MECHIROTH) -- CHOKIE!! WATCH OUT!!

LOONY: (screaming) CHOKIE!!

YUD: *gasp*

JIM: … (thinking) Damn. Of all the times to be incapable of crying.

LOONY: Noo!! (runs to her, taking her body up in his arms) We barely knew her! She was such a good person. So beautiful…so pure.

RABID CHOCOBO: (gasping and dying) *cough* Oh…damn… (closes her eyes and dies)

MECHIROTH: Bwa ha ha!! You pitiful fools!!

YUD: (inbetween sobs) You *choke* monster!! *sob* If … I wasn't crying so *gasp* hard, I'd *choke* rip your *wheeze* spleen out!!

MECHIROTH: (laughs harder) BWAR HAR HAR HAR!!!

PADDY: (manages a pitiful chuckle) Heh.

JIM: ^$%#@!! (runs up and kicks PADDY in the crotch)

PADDY: !!! (dies)

JIM: Oh, weird… (looks at MECHIROTH) You're next, bastard!!

VIPER: Waaah!! Why'd she have to die?! Why not Squallid?!! *sob*

SQUALLID: Hey now…

RABID CHOCOBO: Oh weird, where am I?

SATAN: (nicely) Oh, hey Chokie. We've been waiting for you for a while now.

RABID CHOCOBO: Um, thanks. What is this place?

SATAN: Oh, this is Hell. This is where we torment the mortals by animating Pokemon shows, recording Britney Spears music, and directing MTV music videos. But we also reward ourselves by drinking ourselves silly, pigging out, and playing pointlessy groutesque and violent videogames.

RABID CHOCOBO: Sounds cool. (wipes a sweat) Urg, why is it so hot?

SATAN: It's that ^$%#@'in "man up stairs". He hogs all the friggin' AC to himself and his righteous buddies.

RABID CHOCOBO: That bastard. Anyway, what do I do here?

SATAN: Well, let me see.

SATAN: Hmm…it looks like we got you early. You're suppose to die in your 80s by high levels of alcohol in your blood. Who sent you here, anyway?

RABID CHOCOBO: Um, I don't know. I think his name was Mechiroth.

SATAN: I'll make note of that. (types and saves) You can go into our waiting room and see if one of your friends can resurrect you someway or another.

RABID CHOCOBO: Okay.

RABID CHOCOBO: Elvis?

ELVIS: Huh-huh-hello.

RABID CHOCOBO: (takes a different seat) Aeris?

AERIS: (lights a cigarette) Hello. Didn't expect to see me, eh?

RABID CHOCOBO: Nope. What're you doing here?

AERIS: That %^#$@ bastard Cloud decided to bury me instead of using his damn Life materia on me.

RABID CHOCOBO: Yes, he's a moron. He became more of a moron after that Mako poisoning incident.

AERIS: Figures. (takes out a pack of cards) You play?

RABID CHOCOBO: Yep. You deal.

JIM: (panting) I scared off Mechiroth.

JIM: Look, I know she's gone. But we can't spend hours like this sobbing. We have to move on, lest we want the world to explode!

YUD: *sniffle* Yeah, you're right.

VIPER: She'd say the same thing.

NEVERMORE: With more cuss words of course.

ESKIMO: (for no apparent reasons) *sigh* What to do with this Life2 materia.

ESKIMO: What?

NEVERMORE: GIMME THAT!!

RABID CHOCOBO: What the hell…?

JIM: CHOKIE'S ALIVE!!

VIPER: Yay!! (hugs her)

RABID CHOCOBO: Whattaya mean alive? What happened?!

YUD: Don't you remember?

RABID CHOCOBO: I just remember some disjointed sobbing and somebody screaming bloody murder with some faint kicking sounds.

JIM: … *cough*

RABID CHOCOBO: Other than that, I don't remember…wait, I know. I remember somebody telling me that they loved me or some other.

LOONY: (blushing) *gulp*

RABID CHOCOBO: (unaware) Oh well. (shrugs) Let's go.

MECHIROTH: …hm, looks like it didn't work afterall.

PADDY: Nope.

MG DAVE: $%#@!! You said that Raven would finish them off!!

PADDY: Hey, hey! Relax! Everything is under control!

WOLF: They better be.

SNAKE: Mmpht!! (translation: %#$@!!)

WOLF: Didn't I tell you to SHUT UP? (kicks him in the stomach)

SNAKE: !!! (faints)

MG DAVE: (to MECHIROTH) So what are you going to do now, huh?

MECHIROTH: For now, I'm going to taunt and tease Snakey-boy here until he sobs like a five-year-old.

SNAKE: … (translation: I wanna go home.)

NEVERMORE: Is it such a good idea to be in such a big group?

YUD: If we split up in two groups, we'll have no choice but to head in the same direction anyhow.

JIM: And there are no guards.

RABID CHOCOBO: Um, about earlier, was I a gruesome site?

ESKIMO: Ayup. We could see your liver.

RABID CHOCOBO: …

LOONY: It was so nasty. I got blood and stuff all over me and…

RABID CHOCOBO: That's enough with the graphic explanation, thanks.

NEVERMORE: We were all really sad. All of us were crying.

RABID CHOCOBO: (feeling special) Really?

JIM: I almost cried.

RABID CHOCOBO: Uh, Jim?

JIM: Almost. I thought about it.

RABID CHOCOBO: (muttering) Reject.

JIM: What was that?

RABID CHOCOBO: Shu' up.

ESKIMO: (uses his scope binoculars) Hm. That must be the control room. I see Wolf and MG Dave, but I can't recognize those five other guys.

NEVERMORE: Let me see. (looks) Oh my god, it's Paddy and Mech. The other three I don’t know.

JIM: Mech?! Ooh, I have some business I wanna settle with that guy.

NEVERMORE: It looks like they made some new recruits too. I see two more guys. And a woman.

RABID CHOCOBO: (takes the binocs and looks) Holy shit, that's no woman. That's Scarlet!

RABID CHOCOBO: Guys?

JIM: That's it, I'm tucking in my shirt.

YUD: You looks stupid with your shirt tucked in.

JIM: I don’t want that damn bitch ripping it off again.

YUD: You still look stupid.

JIM: (kicks YUD in the stomach) No more talking.

YUD: $%#@!! (threatens JIM with an automatic weapon)

NEVERMORE: Hey, watch out with that thing!

JIM: YOU BASTARD!! You almost killed me!!

YUD: (thinking) So close…

JIM: Moron!! (kicks him again)

YUD: Ow! (runs away and hides behind NEVERMORE)

RABID CHOCOBO: Do you think that's the guards?

LOONY: It sounds like…high-heels.

SCARLET: Kya ha ha!! Now you're mine!!

RABID CHOCOBO: BITCH! Get outta my way!!

SCARLET: Kya ha ha!! Make me, ho!!

RABID CHOCOBO: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!! (threatens her with an axe) $%#@# COW!!!

SCARLET: #$%@ CHINK!!

JIM: This could get interesting.

YUD: (nods)

RABID CHOCOBO: $#@%^&!!!

SCARLET: Kya - OW! - ha - OW! - ha!!

RABID CHOCOBO: (thinking) I tire of this game. (punches her in the face) Bitch.

SCARLET: (falls on her butt, bleeding from her nose and eyebrows) Argh!!

RABID CHOCOBO: (throws a brick at her) $%#@$*(%$#!###$!@@%$#!~!$#$))$%#&^%##$@!!!!

LOOHNY: Boy...that's a doozy of a word.

SQUALLID: Shouldn't we stop them?

VIPER: Quiet, this is just heating up. (takes a seat next to NEVERMORE and watches)

LOONY: (cheering) GO, MS. CHOCOBO!!! GO, GO, GO!!

VIPER: We're rootin' fer ya, girl!

RABID CHOCOBO: (laughing heartily) Ha ha ha. (points and laughs) BWA HA HA HA!!!

JIM: That ended rather quickly. (looks at the headless body and begins chuckling slightly) Heh heh. That was rather interesting.

???: Stay where you are.

YUD: Who the hell are you?

???: I am Solid Kunio, he is Unknown, and that is Nitrifik. We are Scarlet's accomplices.

RABID CHOCOBO: So, basically, you're her bitches? *snickers*

UNKNOWN: Huh?

SQUALLID: Heh heh…you're her sex-slaves.

NITRIFIK: Silence, you dispicable hockey playing woman!

RABID CHOCOBO: (sarcastically) I'm real scared now.

LOONY: Um, Choco, I'd be careful around those guys…they look dangerous.

KUNIO: He's got a good mind. (points a gun at them) Hands up. You're coming with us.

JIM: (curtly) No.

UNKNOWN: Do you want me to spell it out for you?

RABID CHOCOBO: Can you spell at all? *laughs*

UNKNOWN: $%@#$ little punk. (punches her in the stomach)

RABID CHOCOBO: *coughs* #$%@$!!

LOONY: Hey now, don't hit her!

UNKNOWN: Oh yeah, what're you gonna do? I have plans for this girl here…heh heh.

LOONY: $@#%^&%!!!!

NEVERMORE: Whoa, his first cuss word since we met him.

ESKIMO: (sarcastically) Yay.

LOONY: YOU SO MUCH AS TOUCH HER AGAIN AND I'LL KILL YOU!!!!

UNKNOWN: (crying like a girl)

NITRIFIK: %#$@!!

ESKIMO: Nyar har har!! Feel the Force, muthaf*cker!!

JIM: What the hell?

LOONY: Are you okay, Choco?

RABID CHOCOBO: Yeah. I'm still a little lightheaded, but I'm fine. (smiles) Thanks to you.

LOONY: (nervous and blushing) Heh heh…uh, um…

JIM: (twitching) Grr…

NEVERMORE: Jim, not now.

JIM: Damn.

MECHIROTH: Dammit, Paddy, you're aim sucks!

PADDY: (huffily) Well, I'm sorry!

MECHIROTH: Forgetit. Let's just get them. (takes out his Masamune)

YUD: ARGH, DAMMIT, IT'S HIM AGAIN!!

LOONY: WATCH OUT!!

RABID CHOCOBO: Whew, thanks, hon. That almost got me.

LOONY: (thinking) SHE CALLED ME HON!! (out loud) Uh, no prob.

JIM: That's tears it!! (whips out a gun) Yud, cover me!!

YUD: Right.

NEVERMORE: This is like something from "The Matrix".

ESKIMO: Like? This IS "The Matrix".

WOLF: What if this doesn't work?

MG DAVE: It should work. If it doesn't, we'll just leave it up to them to activate Rex for us.

WOLF: What if they don't have the PAL card?

MG DAVE: They should. We've dropped enough hints to make them think that we have it and have already activated it.

WOLF: Um, actually, we haven't dropped any hints.

MG DAVE: Just agree with me.

WOLF: (muttering) #$%@ bastard.

MG DAVE: Forgetit. Get Snake and go stop them, Wolfie.

WOLF: "Wolfie"?

MG DAVE: (quickly) I mean Wolf!

WOLF: Better. (to SNAKE) Come on, boy.

WOLF: HEY, OVER HERE!! (thinking) Ugh, why do I put up with this crap?

LOONY: Huh? That looks like Snake.

SQUALLID: That is Snake! What's Wolf doing with him?

WOLF: (fires a bullet into the air to get their attention) HEY!! (points her gun at SNAKE'S head) C'mere and get 'im, kids, lest you want me to fill him with lead!! (ducks back inside)

RABID CHOCOBO: (shrieking) NOO!! YOU MONSTER!!!

VIPER: No one's in here.

SQUALLID: All I see are some laptops.

RABID CHOCOBO: Do ya think those are the ones used to activate/deactivate Rex?

YUD: Let's find out.

VIPER: Don't you need a PAL card for that?

YUD: Nah. Leave it to me.

COMPUTER: Password recognize. Engage launching.

JIM: Yud, you idiot, you activated it!!

YUD: NO!! What'll I do?!!

NEVERMORE: Stand back!! (he fires his gun at the laptops)

COMPUTER: Launch disengage.

NEVERMORE: Whew.

MG DAVE: (outside) Arg!! My plans are foiled again!! Rex will never work!!

MECHIROTH: Sure it will. See this? (holds up a ball) It's Huge Materia. It's got more power than you'll EVER need.

MG DAVE: Whew. Thanks. (puts it into a slot on Rex) Swank, it's working!

RABID CHOCOBO: (sees Rex move) Crap.

SNAKE: (in the corner) Mmpht!! Mmph!!!

RABID CHOCOBO: Snake? I thought Wolf took you.

SNAKE: Mmmpht!!

RABID CHOCOBO: Oh, oops. Heh heh. (unties him) (thinking) I'M TOUCHING HIM.

SNAKE: She just quit. She got tired of all the crap that's been going on.

LOONY: Where'd she go?

SNAKE: She ditched me here to die and just left on a helicopter on board to Hawaii.

LOONY: Oh.

RABID CHOCOBO: So, Snake, how long've you been tied up?

NEVERMORE: Excuse me, but we just happen to have a nuclear weapon walking around out there.

MG DAVE: Bwa ha ha!! Feel my wrath!!

LOONY: Feel your own wrath, buddy!!

MG DAVE: ... ...

MG DAVE: (thinking) I hated them anyway.

LOONY: Well that was certainly interesting.

VIPER: Bwa ha ha!!

VIPER: How are we gonna stop it?!

ESKIMO: (thinking) Time to call on the Force. (goes into a mental journey to Dagobah) Yoda, master, I need your help.

YODA: Mm…heh heh…yes, yes I see. You seek to destroy Rex, do you not?

ESKIMO: Yes master. Do you have any advice?

YODA: Nope. (chuckles gallingly)

ESKIMO: (thinking) Damn little midget.

YODA: I can read your thoughts, young Eskimo.

ESKIMO: Heh. Well, I'd best be going.

JIM: ESKIMO!! What the hell?!!

LOONY: You were kinda zoned out there.

ESKIMO: Sorry. It happens. So what'll we do about Rex?

RABID CHOCOBO: For one thing, we CAN GET OUT OF ITS WAY!!!

SNAKE: Can't we do something?!

JIM: Um, will this Stinger do any good?

SNAKE: ... GIMME THAT!!!

RABID CHOCOBO: (sees SNAKE diving towards her) Watch out, you $#%@ moron!!

SNAKE: Uhm…

RABID CHOCOBO: (smacks him) Get the $@#%# offa me!!

SNAKE: Sorry. (gets off, blushing slightly) Did those missiles do any good?

YUD: Barely. See that radome? There's a radar underneathe there. Bash it up good and the cockpit will pop open.

SNAKE: How do you know this sort of stuff?

YUD: I was reading the instruction manual for it in the control room.

SQUALLID: Hidey-ho.

SNAKE: Hidey-ho yerself. (panting) Did the cockpit pop open yet?

LOONY: Nope. He's still inside.

SNAKE: SCREW IT ALL TO &$%#@'IN HELL!!

SQUALLID: Hmm…

SQUALLID: Come on…make it…

SQUALLID: WOO-HOO!! (kisses his slingshot) I loooove you, Betty Sue!

VIPER: Riiight.

SNAKE: I came charging out there for nothing?! How contemptible is this piece of crap?!!

VIPER: (shrugs) Eh, cheap labor. You get what you paid for.

YUD: ...

LOONY: Nevermore?

NEVERMORE: ...

LOONY: Snake?

SNAKE: ... ...

LOONY: Chocobo?

RABID CHOCOBO: (mumbles) Shut your %#$@%'in mouth... I'm so much more happier here...

LOONY: Wake up, Rex exploded. We saved the world.

RABID CHOCOBO: We…we did? (sits up) Dammit, what happened to everybody?

LOONY: They're knocked out. We're the only one who're conscious.

RABID CHOCOBO: Yeah. Where's Snake?

LOONY: (pointing) Over there.

RABID CHOCOBO: Psst, Snake. Get up, we saved the world from total obliteration.

SNAKE: Dammit, woman, don't you ever -- AAAHHH!! I mean, uh, thanks for waking me up!! *gulp*

RABID CHOCOBO: Hm. Right. Go try to wake up Yud. I'm going over to Jim.

RABID CHOCOBO: Jim, get up. We have to get out.

JIM: (not knowing who he's talking to) Arg, I hope you're happy. I was just having a dream about half-dressed girls serving me -- (sees her) ACK! I mean...

RABID CHOCOBO: Just shut up, okay? We have to get out before this whole place blows up.

LOONY: But where's MG Dave? And Mechiroth? And Paddy?

SNAKE: We'll deal with them later. Right now, we have to focus on getting out.

RABID CHOCOBO: Yeah. (stands up and stretches)

NEVERMORE: There's an opening over there.

SNAKE: Hey, yeah, there is. Let's (hears his codec ring) 'Ello?

HOUSEMAN: Hi, Snake, this is Jim Houseman. (goes on about all the crap with Rex and the les enfantes terribles project) Ha ha ha!

SNAKE: Why you --

SQUALLID: (taps him on the shoulder) Let me handle it.

HOUSEMAN: Argh, you #$@%'in kids!!

SQUALLID: Bwa ha ha!!! (hangs up) Um, I guess we leave now.

SNAKE: Not until I find Meryl. (he runs off)

RABID CHOCOBO: Meryl. Phhft.

LOONY: Jealous?

RABID CHOCOBO: You bet your damn balls I am.

LOONY: ...

JIM: (chuckles)

RABID CHOCOBO: SHUT UP, JIM!!!

JIM: (shrinks back) Eep.

VIPER: She must really like him.

SQUALLID: Hoo boy. Why do we always have to fight? Why not express our feelings with hugs and kisses?

SQUALLID: What?

SNAKE: Hey, guys. I found her.

MERYL: Long time no see, fellahs.

SNAKE: Where'd Chokie go?

LOONY: She, uh, left. Went ahead of us and stuff.

MERYL: Let's follow her then.

RABID CHOCOBO: (casually) Shall we go?

JIM: I'll drive.

SNAKE: Urk, I have a weak stomach.

MERYL: Ah, poor Snakey.

RABID CHOCOBO: *grumble, mutter*

YUD: Say somethin'?

RABID CHOCOBO: No.

NEVERMORE: JIM, LOOK OUT FOR THE WALL!!

JIM: God, I KNOW what I'm DOING!

LOONY: There're guards up there!

JIM: They're speed bumps now. (cackles)

ESKIMO: (possibly the only one enjoying the ride) Ya ha ha!! Sox pie!! Faster, Jim, FASTER!!

JIM: (floors it)

EVERYONE (except JIM and ESKIMO): EEEEEEEYYYAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!

RABID CHOCOBO: DAMN YOU, JIM!! DAMN YOU TO $%#@'IN HELL!!!!

JIM: Oh, pipe down, what's the worse that can happen?

LOONY: Ew. That's disgusting.

SNAKE: Oh…I don't feel so well, either…

LOONY: Screw it, Jim, turn the car around.

JIM: Tecgh. Fine.

YUD: This is Yud.

CAMPBELL: Hiya guys. I just had the Houseman guy nabbed and shot in the alley. *snickers* Anyway, I heard about Rex. Good for you.

YUD: Um, thanks. How're we getting home?

CAMPBELL: There's a snowmobile in that cave you're in. By the way, how is Snake doing?

YUD: Snake? Uh, let's just say he's got a weak stomach.

CAMPBELL: Er, yeah. Um…what about Meryl?

YUD: She's fine. She's the object of envy, hate, spite, and malice for Rabid Chocobo now. But overall, she's fine.

CAMPBELL: Well, that's good to hear. See ya all soon.

YUD: Hey, fellahs, are those two done chuckin' yet?

JIM: I guess.

RABID CHOCOBO: Jim, I swear, if I EVER go in a wheeled vehicle with you again, I will KILL you.

JIM: *gulp*

MERYL: So this is where Snake and I ride off happily into the sunset?

RABID CHOCOBO: Hmph. I'm going to the back of the cave if anybody wants me.

LOONY: They look so happy together.

YUD: Good. I just wanna go back home. (takes out his KJ-link)

JIM: (nods and begins whistling "God Save the Queen")

ESKIMO: It's been a while since I've been there. I miss harassing those old folks. *snickers*

RABID CHOCOBO: I'll set the dial this time, Yuddy.

YUD: Heh heh.

Ah...thirty chapters of forum-fic goodness. You don't wanna know the sort of trouble I go through piecing all this ridiculous bit of complete rubbish together for it to be funny? None. Nyar har har. Didn't see that one coming, didja?

Well, maybe you did.

When I first decided on writing this, I had about 60 or so posts replying to it from people who wanted to be in the fic. Most were all Solid Snake-wannabes with all their stealth, camouflage, high-tech weapons and what-nots, and many of them don’t even post anymore. I had very few replies from people who really described their personalities in vivid details along with a thorough narrative of their physical attributes. Heck, even a vague description would have suited me.

I apologize to those whom I didn't include. But then again, you probably never even glance at my site, much less the fic, so I wouldn't give a damn.

I would like to give a boatload of piping hot thank you's to my good ol' friend Solid Jim, who is right now on the other side of the Atlantic and could be possibly burying a cadaver rolled up in an old cheap rug in his back yard. Or drawing. Whatever. Thanks for the pics, the suggestions, the requests, the bloopers, and the sense of irony that I may possibly never possess (damn you).

Thanks to NeverMore for the intellectual guidance and for showing me how to deal with flamers. You may not know it, but I study your posts very carefully so that I may someday write as witty and clever as you. You're a good friend, and great leader. And stay away from that liquor cabinet...

Mucho gracias to Yud, the Vietnamese version of James Bond. Sorry if I couldn't make you the character that you wanted to be, but I needed a nerd and somebody that Jim could beat up on, and well...you stood out. *points and laughs* Har har!

I kid. :^)

To Mech Ninja (Mechiroth) for being an intelligent newbie, unlike the bastards who now think they own the damn forum. You are what all newbies should be like -- respectful, funny, and with a sharp mind and GREAT art.

To Paddy, for being comical and always slapping a big ol' smile on my face whenever I read your messages.

To Eskimo, for being the Star Wars freak that he is. Me too. Can't say I blame ya, really.

To Black Arts Viper, 'cause you're so damn funny, you outback nutcase, you! Oh, and thanks for the stories. Lookin' forward for more. LOTS of thanks for the trouble of inking that pic for me ;).

To Squallid Snake. You're so damn funny. Ever since the first time I saw you post, you've kept me interested in reading more of them. Heh heh.

To Loony, since it's so evident that you have a crush on me. Of course, that's what they tell me. I know so too, so don't try to deny it.

To Edge, for being the second most reasonable guy next to NeverMore. And for being such a great artist. I envy you...grr...

To Mongoose, for being a happy-go-lucky buddy with interesting posts.

To MG Dave, for being the evil little bastard that he is. Bwa ha ha. All hail the mighty Dave!!

To Rufus for being...Rufus. Hey, what can I say? Great fanfics, by the way. :^)

No thanks go to Solid Kunio, Nitrifik, and THEUNKNOWN. I said it before, I'll say it again: LAWNMOWER HUMPING BASTARDS!! Bwa ha ha ha!!!! I can't insult you outright down at the forum, but here, I am the QUEEN. No, make that TYRANT. Go suck monkey balls, you half-assed retarded morons. Oh, wait, you already are. Ha ha.

Ah, that felt good. Again, thank you. And goodnight.

For now... *enigmatic smile*